Can you tell me a really funny joke please

Question

please and thank you :)

Answer 1

Knock Knock!

Who's There?!

I Killed Your Father!

Who is my father!?

I AM YOUR FATHER. And now i'll

kill you! lol j/k i won't kill you!

:)

ehh my jokes are lame.

<.<

Answer 2

a man is walking in the jungle when a lion jumps out ready to eat him.

unable to do anything he got down on his knees closed his eyes anprayedyd, after a while nothinhappenednd so hopenednd his eye to look for thLionne and found it on it's knees in front of him. relieved the man shouted "thank you god! thant you!"

the lion said "shhhh...dont disturb me when i'm saying grace"

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two drunk men men were walking on a train track. after a few minets one man said to the other. " dont you think thes stares are really low?"

"i dont minde. i just wish they made the hand railing a bit highter"

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a woman invites a guy friend over to her house. he came and brought  with him chocolates and win. as they were getting comfortable the door bell rang. " quick! out the window, it's my husbend!" the man climbed out the window and was hanging by the ledge . it was to dark to see the ground, he was afraid to let go. the woman gave her husband the chocolates and he ate them, after a while they made him sick, so he opend the window th throw up, it was to dark to see the guy on the ledge he puke'd on him. feeling better he drank the win and then had to pee. so he opened the window and pee'd on the guy. then he and his wife went to bed. the man out side could'nt do anything but wait till morning. and as the sun came up he looked down and saw he was only a foot from the ground.

and the moral of the story is:

revenge is swift, even when we dont know it.

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this is more of a funny story than a joke.

a bird was flying  south for the winter but he was to late so it sarted to snow, so he sat down on a banch to rest.but he got so cold he froze and feel to the ground. after a whil a cow came by and pooped where the bird was, the p**p was warm, it thawed out the bird. the bird was so happy he began to sing, a fox nere by heard the bird, dug it out of the p**p and ate it..and the moral of the story is:

those who sh*t on you are'nt allwasy you enemy.

and those who get you out of sh*t arent allways your friends.

  

Answer 3

i'm so lame when it comes to jokes x.x but . . . sighh here goes.

-once there was these two guys. Bob and umm Bobby? (brothers i guess?) so they were hiking out in the woods until later Bobby told Bob he need to do his 'buisness". Bob said "Umm don't ask me just go do it behind a tree" "But what will i use to wipe " (the "you know doody") Bobby asked. "Just wipe it with a dollar", Bob replied.

After a few minutes later Bobby came out with doody all over his pants and shirt. "What happened didn't you wipe it with a dollar", Bob asked. "Yeah but wiping with four quarters is harder than you think", Bobby said.

-there were two women at the bar celebrating. A waitor curious of why asked how come of the big celebration. "Well we just finished this puzzle" the women replied. "Yes it said 3-4 years but we finished it in one year", the other women said.  

Answer 4

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

Answer 5

A dozen of eggs are sitting on a bench. And the 6 brown ones start cheering We are all FREE!! FREE TO FIND THE GOLDEN KEY WITHIN THIS RARE SHRUNKEN MAN THAT LIVES ON THE HILL!!! Then the 6 white ones say."AND what do you mean by that??" Then one of the brown ones says. "Your doors open."

Answer 6

I've got two.  They're both pirate jokes.

There was a pirate ship being attacked by two imperial ships.  The first mate ran to the captain and shouted "Captian!  We've got two ships closing in on us!"  

The Captain said to him, "Very well, then.  Bring me my red shirt."

The first mate got him his red shirt, and they defeated the ships with no problems.

The next day, the ship was attacked by four imperial ships.  The first mate ran to the captian and shouted, "Captian!  FOUR ships are closing in on us!"

To which the captain calmly replied, "Very well.  Bring me my red shirt."

The first mate did so, and they defeated all four ships.  When the battle was over, the first mate asked the captain, "Why do you ask for your red shirt whenever we get attacked?

The captain replied, "Because if I get wounded, I don't want my men to see me bleed, because that might cause them to lose heart."

"Wow," the first mate said.  "That's really noble of you, captain."

The next day, the ship was attacked by twenty imperial ships.  The first mate ran to the captian and shouted, "Captian!  There are twenty ships closing in on us!  Shall I bring you your red shirt?"

The captain thought for a moment, then said "No.  Bring me my brown pants."

And here's joke number two:

One day, the helmsman of a pirate ship reported to his post only to discover that the ship's steering wheel was gone.  Puzzled, he set off to look for it.

He found it affixed to the crotch of the captain, who looked rather harassed.

"Captain," he said.  "What is the steering wheel doing on your crotch?"

The captain gave him a dark look and said, "It's drivin' me nuts!"

Answer 7

A man walks into a fishing store... he finds what he needs and then he goes to the cash register to pay, He notices that the man working there is blind... So the blind cashier asks what he has and the man replies just some fishing line. the blind man says that will be 5 dollars... so as man reaches into his pocket he slipped out a loud disgusting f**t. The blind man says that will be 20 dollars, the man says What? i thought it was 5 dollars? the blind man says thats before you added to cat fish bait and duck call.

:) Its better when told to in person! :D  

Answer 8

I am using nationalities but they have no meaning- its random and simply for the purpose of making typing easier:

Three British men waited in line at the subway to buy tickets and notice that three Swedish men only bought 1 ticket all together! The Brits asked the Swedes "How is it that you bought 1 ticket for the three of you?" and the Swedes said "Wait and see..." so when the ticket collector was starting to walk around the three Swedes went into the bathroom and crammed in together. The collector knocked on the door and said "Ticket please." so a hand came out and gave they guy one ticket. The Brits thought this was brilliant so on the way home they bought 1 ticket, but noticed the Swedes boarded without one! They asked how this was gonna work and the Swedes told them again to wait and see. The collector was coming by so the three Brits crammed into one bathroom. They hear a knock on the door and one Britsticks his hand out with a ticket. The Swedish men took it and went to the next bethroom.

New Joke: An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of h**l and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in h**l, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in h**l?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"