Can you write a comical mystery, just 4 fun, that includes these lines?

Question

The story should not be limited to these few lines, however. Have fun, friends.

Do you know what these have in common?

1. I'm always plumb careful when it comes to handlin' a gun. Much obliged fer the advice though.

2. Island in the Desert

3. Don't ya SEE?!

4. Before you can say rat run over the roof of the house with a piece of raw liver in his mouth!

5. Don’t get pushy you knothead!

6. Mirage

7. I need educatin’. Start teachin’

8. Scruffy, cantankerous, functionally illiterate.

9. In the Heat of the Night

10. The Giant Gila Monster

11. What in the tarnation’s it look like I’m doing?

12. Deadman's Law

Answer 1

Festus had been laying on the examining table for about 30 minutes, and said, "Doc, you been lookin at me fer 30 minits, and I want to know what you're a doin'!"   "Well, What in the tarnation's it look like I'm doing?  And don't get pushy you knothead!"  "Well my head hurts, and you just stand there with them cow eyes lookin at me!!!"  "Festus, tell me and Matt what happened to you...You ride in on that ole mule, fall off in front of my office, shot in the head, and want to cause me to start drinking."  "Well, you see Doc, in the heat of the night, I looked out th' window, and saw this here island in the desert. I rid ma ole mule out thar t' check it out....an that's when I saw the Giant Gila Monster...Don't ya SEE?!...I pulled my pistol, and shot at it, and Before you can say rat run over the roof of the house with a piece of raw liver in his mouth, some honswaggler shot me off'n my mule!!!"......"Festus, you saw a mirage, and like a fool you shot at it, and the bullet hit a rock, richocheted back, and grazed that hard head of yours.  Lucky it didn't hit you between the eyes, as that would have been a waste of a good bullet!!!!"   "Now hold on here Doc, it weren't no mirage, it was a lizard big as a steer!"  "Festus, you're dehydrated and seeing things, and you need to be more careful with that gun!"  "Well, I'm plumb careful when it comes to handlin' a gun.  Much obliged fer the advice though.  An you need to stick to doctoring and let me and Matthew handle the guns!!"  "Why you, Scruffy, Cantankerous, functionally illiterate loudmouth !!  You need to hush!!"  "Well I need educatin'.  Start teachin'.  Besides, the law says I have the right to protect the people of Dodge from harm, and that Gila Monster was harm!  An that's th' law!!!"  "Yep, and around here, it's called the Deadman's Law!!!"  "Now hold on here Doc!  Matthew, whur you headin?"  "Well Festus, I promised Sunshine I would walk her back to her place when she got off work, and I best be on my way."  "Well Doc you better get ready to examine another head when Miss Kitty gets done with whompin on Matthew's!!!  An what you mean by dehydrated, and that comment about wastin a good bullet?" I'll tell you somethin ye ole Skinflint"..................

Answer 2

I remember an episode of Gunsmoke called (12) "Deadman's Law" in which Matt's horse shows up riderless in Dodge City, and there is blood on the saddle. While Festus and Newly search for Matt, ruthless vigilantes take over.  In that show, Doc Adams tells the town folk.   "For twelve years you've had law and order in Dodge City because one man enforced the law. Now that he's not here, you're willing to give the town away to the first incompetent that comes along with a shot gun and is anxious to use it.

Well that's kinda what I said to my wife when she told me she'd fallen for another man.  She said it all happened innocently enough at the PTA meeting when she was talking to one of the teachers.  For some reason, she agreed to go to a bar with him and, according to her, the next thing she remembers is being in bed with him saying (7) "I need educatin'. Start teachin'"  Apparently she liked the lesson so much she kept going back, and now she plans to move into the school.  

(3) "Don't ya SEE!!!  This is not you!!!  You were always so responsible.  What happened!!"  After all these years some guy comes on to you and (4) before you can say "rat run over the roof of the house with a piece of raw liver in his mouth" your letting him go to school on you???  Was everything we had just a (6) mirage?  It was then that I learned how she really felt about me.  She called me a (8) scruffy, cantankerous, functionally illiterate cowboy with no future at all.  That's a far cry from the night she called me her (2) Island in the Desert after we had explored each other (9) in the heat of the night under the stars of the desert sky.  Even (10) the giant gila monster that crawled into our sleeping bag wasn't enough to separate her from me back then.  

But now she finds this cowboy too uneducated for her and is seeking higher education.  Well, that's fine with me.  There's plenty of other cowgirls would love to find my spurs under their bed in the morning.  Maybe the young lady who just advised me that I ought to let her check my gun might be interested.  I told her (1) "I'm always plumb careful when it comes to handlin' a gun. Much obliged fer the advice though."  (I never check my gun because I want it on me at all times.)    But after thinkin about it, maybe that's not what she meant.  Hmmmm.  Excuse me but I think I should go check this out.  

So long y'all.  It may be time to jump back on the proverbial horse.