Can you write a funny story about a PHONE CONVERSATION that includes as many of these lines as possible?

Question

This is all just for the pure fun of being creative,friends.

1. I'M AN AMERICAN!!! I SPEAK ENGLISH!!!!!

2. Is it juuuuust possible that you have the wrong number, buckaroo?

3. I playfully banged the receiver with a baby rattle.......She thought it was interference from outer space!! hehe

4. That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!

5. WHAT?! The static is so bad I thought you said,'____________________.'

6. No dear. You are NOT a corporate specialist. You are a 19 year old twit with a bad lisp and a poor grasp of grammar.

7. Ooops! Incoming call.......OMG!!!!!!! It's HIM!!!!!

8. I will make it my life's MISSION to hunt you down and spit on you!

9. It's your stalker....Shall I ask him to call back?

10. Ummmm......it was either Beijing,China or Hoboken ,New Jersey.... He had the cutest accent.

Answer 1

I was hanging around the house watching TV, listening to some CDs and texting my girlfriend.  You know, basically doing nothing.  My roommate was in the bedroom trying, and failing miserably, to play the guitar.  What he lacked in talent he made up in volume!

Just as I was finishing checking my e-mail, the phone rang.  After I said hello, the caller just breathed, so I yelled to my roommate, "Incoming call.   Oh my god!  It's him!  It's your stalker.  Shall I ask him to call back?"  Well, after that outburst, my mother said, "What a strange thing to say.  Remember, you only have one mother, and I only gave you life!  Do I deserve such treatment?  After all I've done for you, and you never even bother to call!!!!"

So of course, I banged the receiver with a baby rattle and told her the little green men were trying to break in and causing interference.  She said, "What? The static is so bac I thought you said you were interfering with some green men.  What are you doing hanging out with such people?  Didn't I raise you better than that?  Ever since you moved out and broke my heart I can't believe how awfully your life has turned out."

I tried to defend myself, reminding her of my excellent job, but she cut me down again, saying "No dear, you're NOT a corporate specialist.  Delivering pizza does not make you any kind of specialist except a specialist bum!  YOu're just a 19-year-old twit with a lisp and bad grammar, who NEVER calls his mother!!!!  Why don't you ever listen to my good advice.  I only want what's best for you, and god knows you don't have a clue".  I was ticked off and said, "Mommy dearest, that comment was about as useful as a trap door in a canoe.  Then, I tried to show off my language skills, speaking in a mix of Beijing Chinese and Hoboken New Jersey dialects, which I thought was cute.

Mom screamed, "I'm an American!! Speak English!!  And get a job, not just driving around with a little pizza sign hanging out your window.  How do you think I can hold my head up at the country club when all the other mothers are bragging about their sons being doctors and lawyers and I have to lie and say you have a job driving VIPs to and from appointments?  Pepperoni and sausage is NOT a VIP; it's just a gas attack waiting to happen!!!"

Since I was about to blow and tell her all the things I've wanted to say since I learned to speak, I gave the phone to my roommate.  He asked her, in a high-pitched voice, "IS it juuust possible you've got the wrong number, buckaroo?  There's no one here by the name of guilt-ridden son to a shrewish mother.  And if you call again, I'll make it my life's mission to hunt you down and spit on you!!!  So watch it, toots, or somebody may drop a house on your sister."  He had the cutest accent.

And that's the last I heard from mom, at least until the next day!