Care to read "The child in me that was in chain": a flawed poem about a date, written by my rusty poetic mind?

Question

Sitting on the swings

Both of us

Two bashful adults

Under the moonlight

Twas a full moon

As we look at

Each other’s eyes

In the playground

Like two kids

On the swings

We shouted

We laughed

As sadness shows

Again on my face

He stood up and

Took my swing’s chain

Like a lost father

He drove my swing

Back and forth

Making me speechless

For a moment

I felt so much joy

I felt like a child

Again

A child in me

The person I was

That’s gone missing

For twenty years long

I felt like crying

As he held my head

And touched my hair

For the child in me

That was in chain

Has suddenly been set free….

Answer 1

I have a friend named Russtle. He writes like this....pretty good, a little long. Use naval jelly to remove rust...

Answer 2

You like this guy from the gym don't you?  This is well penned and easy to relate too.  Nice.

Answer 3

I really like this one, i can visualise the poem and that's always a good start for me.However, i did find it  bit "Wordy" This is how i see it:-

Under the moonlight

Two kids on the swings

Two bashful adults

In the playground

Look into each other’s eyes

As sadness shows

Again on my face

He stood up and

Took my swing’s chain

Making me speechless

He drove my swing

I felt like a child again

The person I was

That’s gone missing

For twenty years long

He held my head

And touched my hair

The child in me

That was in chains

Has suddenly been set free

Answer 4

One of my friend, has a large swing in his back yard. Whenever I sit on this swing, my mind races back to childhood, remembering the joys of playing with friends on the swing back home.

Answer 5

Very good, i think we all have that kid in us, you describe it very well!!!

Answer 6

Strong message; could use a bit of tightening up.  Love it nonetheless.

Answer 7

So beautiful !!...like you got to , really experience that childhood fun..that youth..now it is over..you are maturing ..sad..but gleefully too !!!...

Answer 8

It was a full moon

As we looked in

Each other's eyes...

In the playground.

If you re-read your poem you will see other places where the tense seems wrong....as sadness shows! showed?

Did you mean to have the singular 'chain' at the end?  Most people say 'in chains'...just a small point.

I like this, it was easy to visualise the scene.  And, in fact, (at over 60 years of age) I have sat upon a swing and felt the years recede and I'm sure others have too, so your readers will identify with what you are saying.

Answer 9

Whenever I go to my grandfather's house and sit on the tire swing...I feel like I am 6 years old in pigtails again! Nice poem, well written!

Answer 10

Wonderful images in my mind.  Sounds like a near perfect date.

I especially like the 7th stanza but might not "That went missing for twenty years long" be better?  I hope you post more!

Answer 11

The little things can stir such emotions. Well said Ms. Distress.

Answer 12

I love the "child"reference in this. We all still have the "child" in us. Some good, some bad. Very nice poem..

Answer 13

Pretty good...

(I'm jealous...smiles)

Answer 14

It's very nice.......and, goes to show that the children within ourselves transcend.

Answer 15

We never, never out grow swings, be they hung from a tree,

under a porch, or as you say in a play ground.

We see things differently sometimes, when we change our playmates! Keep swinging, A nice read.