Catholic/atheist wedding?

Question

My atheist boyfriend and I have been together 5 years, and are talking about getting married. His family is presbyterian. My family is very catholic and will be expecting a catholic wedding, though I have pulled away from the catholic faith (without their knowledge too). Is it fair to have his family go through the catholic mass? Then there is what to do about my boyfriend. Any advice on how to do this wedding business? And how do I break it to my family about my religious beliefs? Please help!

Answer 1

For starters: if you do want an RC wedding it will not be a mass. Nuptial masses are discouraged when one party isn't RC, and disallowed when one party isn't baptized. (I'm assuming that your boyfriend was baptized, and has become an atheist later, but masses are a bad idea).

You and your boyfriend need to decide together what you want in your wedding. I normally detest "it's your wedding, do what you want", but for the wedding itself it's more appropriate. Would you be comfortable getting married in the church if you've pulled away from it? Would your boyfriend be willing to make vows to be witnessed by a being in which he does not believe? Are you willing to agree to raise your kids RC? Is your boyfriend willing to let you? If you get married through the Catholic church then your premarital counselling will be through the Catholic church too. Are you ok with that, or would you prefer that your premarital counselling be secular?

Oh, and all these questions assume that you can find a priest who would marry you - many parishes will not perform weddings if neither of the couple is registered there.

As for telling your family - that should be done separately from the wedding planning. Do you go home over weekends ever? I would recommend that you not attend mass next time with your family, and explain that you're not practising anymore. If you haven't been going home, and aren't likely to, then you're just going to have to do it the hard way. But again, do it before wedding stuff, so that they can adjust to that when they're less stressed.

Best of luck with these hard conversations.  

Answer 2

I am catholic and I too married an atheist.  What we did is we got married by our JP.  I told my mom that we weren't going to get married in the church because I haven't been to church in a long time and I don't feel that it would be right.  My mom tried to argue and I told her that I respect her opinions but I am an adult now and need to make my own choices.  

Answer 3

Don't be hypocritical and have a church wedding when it is not your belief - that's very wrong.

You're an adult, you just talk to your parents once the wedding plans are made, and explain that you are having a civil wedding.

Answer 4

Hi.  Well, in order to have a full Catholic Mass (for a wedding), both of you would need to be Catholic, so don't worry about his family having to "sit through it" as it's not going to happen.  You COULD have a small Catholic ceremony (as I did 30 years ago....20 minutes.)

However, if you are not of the Catholic faith anymore, then why get married in the church?  Just get married wherever you want to.....outdoors, a park, a garden, a lake, etc.  And, if he is atheist, I would imagine an outdoor ceremony would suit him better.

I'm sure you are at least 18....so your parents will have to accept that you have gone your own way with your religious beliefs.

Answer 5

Well why don't you have the wedding outside at a nice spot? Make sure that the ceremony isn't biases to either side.

Answer 6

You can do a Catholic mass if you want. My mother did even though my father is not Catholic; he just didn't partake of the Eucharist (obviously).

However, I wouldn't do a Catholic wedding at all if you've pulled away from the church, especially since your fiance is not Catholic.

I can understand why you would want a Catholic wedding, though. In Catholic families the traditions associated with the religion can become more important than the faith, which is why there are so many Christmas and Easter Catholics, and wedding and baptism Catholics. There are lots of families out there who aren't really Catholic, but still do all the big celebrations anyway. Personally, I think this is wrong. You either are Catholic or you're not. You shouldn't just pick and choose the fun stuff out of the religion, and forget about the stuff you don't like. Are you willing to start going to mass every Sunday? Are you willing to talk about your impending marriage with a priest? Attend a Catholic marriage course? Raise your children to be Catholic? Go to confession at the very least before your wedding? Publicly state that you believe in God, even though deep down you know you don't? Why would you put yourself through all that, just to have a proper church wedding?

I know your family will be disappointed and upset. Some of them may even stop talking to you, or at the very least refuse to attend your wedding, forget about helping you with it. That's just the way these things work, though. You can either live your whole life (and the life of your husband and future children) as a lie, or deal with it now.

I would just call your mother, tell her that you're engaged, and tell her you're not having a church wedding, because you don't go to church anymore. Then just take it from there. In the end, your family still is your family, and it's likely that at least some members of it will support you. They may be so happy about having a wedding that they won't care whether it's in a church or not, or you may have to elope or just have a small wedding with your fiance's family, and come to terms with your family later.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Honey, if you are planning to marry, it means you are a grown adult, and need to make the best choices you can while considering your hubby.   Yes it would be selfish for you to do a catholic wedding when you know his family is not of that faith.   Furthermore,  if you yourself are not a firm Catholic, why would you go through with it just to please your family?   Listen, go with what YOU want.  It's your wedding.   My suggestion is this...skip the religious c**p, get an out door wedding or something, have someone there to marry you guys and thats it.  Have food, music, and family.  Thats all you need for the perfect wedding.  Everything else is nonsense.  

As far as breaking it to your family.  Just tell them your wedding plans.   If they ask why it wont be in the Catholic church, tell them " Mom, Dad, in all honesty, I have my own views on religion, and honestly, I rather have it this way."    

Answer 8

Tell you're boyfriend and yourself that God is real and don't pull away from what you believe in deep down inside.

Answer 9

First off, you need to sit your family down and just tell them.  They may be disappointed, but if they love you as a family should they will forgive you.  Secondly, since you are of different "religions", they best thing to do is to have a wedding that reflects you and your groom.  It is "your" wedding, not your family's.  They may not like it, but they will deal with it or they won't.  If it would help you and you have the money, get a consultant.  She will help mediate between you and your family if she does her job correctly.

Answer 10

I think I answered this already, but okay.

I am atheist and my fiance is not.  We are having a religious ceremony (his bro is a minister who will perform the ceremony).  It doesn't bother me, as long as his brother doesn't make me make a promise to god (just because I don't believe so it is meaningless and I don't want anything meaningless in our wedding).

Some Catholic churches allow weddings with one who is not catholic, you have to find someone who wil. (It's not hard now adays).  Also, try a garden wedding with a priest (most are willing to do these now too) it isn't in the church but still a catholic wedding. (without the full mass).

Just talk to your parents and tell them that you are still going to have a catholic wedding but it won't be a full mass.  This is what you guys decided would be best for you and to make sure no one is uncomfortable.  I know a lot of catholics who don't even want a full mass. it's just too long.  You could explain your reasoning for being something like you don't agree with some things going on in the church.  Maybe it's the whole thing with the pervert priests and how that was dealt with, maybe it's that you don't like the way g*y people are treated etc etc.  

Talk to your fiance about it, and come up with a plan.  Remember that ultimately this is yours and his day.  However, if your parents are paying for a lot of the wedding it may be a bigger issue.  We just decided to pay for our own. then no one has a right to put their two cents in. lol

good luck and congrats

Answer 11

First of all, since you are no longer Catholic, going through a Catholic wedding is all sorts of silly.  How can you possibly make those vows that you don't believe in. My suggestion is to let you family know that you no longer consider yourself catholic and that you will be planning a wedding perhaps officiated by a minister instead.  That will satisfy your beliefs (since you are not atheist) without compromising your bf's too much either since you can have a relatively secular ceremony.

I'm an ex-catholic, now pagan.