Celebrate Adoption Day?

Question

Today is the day my husband did a step-parent adoption and adopted my biological son from a previous relationship. My son's bio dad has been MIA since I refused to have an abortion. We had the bio dad's rights terminated after 4 years (5 including when I was pregnant) of no contact.

Anyway, we always celebrate the adoption day as a "Family Day" of when we all became one big happy family. We give our son a small gift and take him out to dinner.

He is 9 now and has always known that he was adopted by my husband to make him his "Official Daddy." I'm hoping by keeping this day a tradtion that will open up the floor for him to ask questions about the adoption and his bio-dad. I have kept pics of his bio-dad and will not tell him anything negative about his bio-dad.

So. Do you think Adoption Day celebrations are a good thing? Yes or no?

Answer 1

Not only do I support your family day, but your decision to never put your son's bio dad down is an excellent one.  He'll have the decision to make when he's older.

At 17, my son and I went on a vacation together to New Mexico, from Arkansas.  While on the way to California, he decides he'd rather go and track his dad.  3 days of driving, we were in North Carolina, where we tracked his father down.  (His dad had never met him).  I knew something had changed in the dad's life, because when my son was 14, I all of a sudden started getting child support at least 8 months a year.  Anyway, we tracked him down, and he admitted to making a lot of mistakes, and by the point that he realized it, he was afraid of what would happen if he re-introduced himself to my son. It's been a pretty good reunion.  My son is almost 20 now, and has gone a few times to see him, and they talk quite a bit according to my cell phone bill.  People do change, and hopefully, your son's dad will for the better.  Good luck, and your son is very lucky in 1 way, almost anyone can be a sperm doner, but it takes a special man to be a daddy!

Answer 2

no.  i'm not into celebrating the day my real father "officially" became a loser.

thanks, but no.

Answer 3

BLAH.  I can't stand the thought of adoption day.  It always feels like everyone is trying a wee bit too hard.  

I felt like my adoption was a good thing growing up.  When I had issues or questions I just asked, and my parents answered. Being adopted just is who I am.  It has never been a fact to ruin my life, but it has never been something to celebrate either.  You may want to ask your son if he even wants this as he gets older.  This should be about him, not you.

I think this adoption day stuff would have made me less likely to ask questions growing up because I would have felt guilty if I wasn't "celebrating."  As I got older I would have been embarrassed by it because I just wanted to be like other kids.

The day to celebrate your child entering the family?  It's called a birthday.

Answer 4

Absolutely.  Being adopted can be a great thing.  I encourage you to keep things open about his bdad in case your son does ask questions.  But I think that your husband is great in being willing to adopt your son, and making him his own.  God bless.

Answer 5

I would imagine it feels a bit like you're celebrating the fact that half of who he is has been removed permanently from his life.  That doesn't give me a good feeling, personally.  If my parents celebrated that a part of me they determined was bad was removed from my life, I wouldn't be in the mood for celebrating.

Answer 6

Thank you for at least not referring to it as "Gotcha" day! I think it is a generally another practice that is more for the adults than the children but I can't tell you how your son feels about it. Unfortunately, things like this can be difficult for children and even some adult adoptees to talk to their parents about. Some of them worry that their parents will be offended if they say it makes them feel weird or uncomfortable.

You know your son and your husband better than anyone on this board will and they are the ones who matter in this situation. How does your husband feel about it? And, of course the most important person here is your son. What does he think? Does it make him feel weird or does he like getting an extra gift and recognition every year? Ultimately it is up to your family whether or not you need a special day to recognize that you are a family or if being family every day is all you need.

You should be commended for taking the "high road" about telling your son about his First Father. I am not a fan of step-parent adoptions in general, but I think it is a good thing that you are being honest! Kudos to you and best wishes to your family!! I hope everyday is a happy and healthy "Family Day " for you all.

ETA: You sound like a very thoughtful and sweet parent! Since your son seems to enjoy it, please accept my very best wishes for a lovely Family Day! I think you're doing a great job!

Answer 7

I think it is a good thing, if it works for your family.

Enjoy your family day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

YES.  You're celebrating being a family.

Answer 9

I think it depends on the child and the circumstances.

We celebrate "Homecoming Day", which is also something my children write on the calendar and count down to.  They want to throw a big party with a jumping castle, a cake, a pool party, etc.  

We usually go out to a fun place for dinner, as a family, and talk about when we first met, the trip home, etc.  I hear all over again how my daughter squished a frog with her bare foot (eewww!) and how my son (on the planeride home) informed us that if we did not give him candy, he would pinch us and cry.  

I have been much more tolerant of parents trying their best to control their children on planes, ever since!!!

We do talk about losses, of culture, of national origin, of family.  But at this point in my children's lives, the focus of this day is about those first memories of us as a family.  Since the day is about them, not about us as parents, we are always open to changing tradition or doing away with it altogether.  But as for right now, this is what the enjoy and look forward to, so it works for us.

Answer 10

Our daughter is 10 and was adopted as a newborn.  We brought her home from the hospital.

We acknowledge adoption day, but we don't make it a huge deal.  We buy her a sentimental keepsake and spend the day together.  It has been a great way to open up communication about adoption.  She loves to hear the story.  

We have an open adoption and our daughter knows her birth mother.  The birth father (sperm donor) never acknowledged her.

Answer 11

I say no.

While your son's adoption has been all good for you and your hubby, your son still feels a profound loss, I assure you.

Don't wait until he asks you about his father, sit him down and talk to him, show him the pictures (without your husband around), fill him in on his history (are there other relatives, such as grandparents?) and how he came to the planet.

There is a lot bubbling under the surface with your boy, I GUARANTEE it.  Be brave and giving enough to broach this very important topic with him.

He has TWO fathers, and always will.