Challenged Adoption - Problem With Gifts.....??

Question

I will be talking to our Case Worker tomorrow about this, however I'd like other peoples opinions here.

We have 4 young children of our own & are trying to adopt our 4yo Godson, who is living with us.

We have his biological Aunt fighting our claims, which is a bit of a worry, but we have custody of him while the adoption case is being sorted.

In our home there are rules. One of the rules is no televisions in the children's room. They have a rumpus room where they can watch television, so there isn't any need. I am really firm with this.

My Godson's Aunt, rang and asked about giving him a gift, and what he could use. I said it was fine, also explained that the gift should be reasonable as we have young children (twin newborns & another set of twins who are nearly 3) I also explained that gift like a computer or television wouldn't be appropriate, as we have them already.

While he is under my roof, he will be treated like my child, which means he will not be allowed special privileges.

Answer 1

Um i dont know what to say, but i suggest you should let him have it in his room if he or her is older not younger re: 12... But its your rule of the house but up to you.. if you let him/her have tv in room why not make some rules of the times to have it on or off????

Answer 2

I think you're right not to put it in his room. I wouldn't trust the aunt, she wants your godson, and it sounds like she'll do anything to get him. To put it bluntly, she sounds manipulative. She probably only wants you to put a television in his room, so it will look (to the case worker), like you're treating him differently. Go with your instinct, and keep your eye on the aunt.

Answer 3

Seriously it sounds like she is trying to buy him. Make sure you present all this to the case worker , this will not bode her well doing this c**p...I read what you said on the other Question that she is 32 no kids no partner

Frankly I dont think she stands a hope in h**l

One thing I can say to you, is TRY try Try to relax, just be his mum like you have been doing, just like you do for your 4 biological children , the attachment will show through when they look at your case.

Hes been with you for some time now right ?

Just stick to your rules. Leave it packed up if you like for now he is only little.

Maybe when he is older he can have it in his room etc...just as the other kids will when they are teenagers :P heh heh

Dont worry Try not to worry I should say...It will be all okay

(((hugs)))

Answer 4

I haven't adopted personally but I have several friends who have, and two who have been through pretty nasty custody battles, and it seems that if you point out your frustration to the custody case/ worker, explaining that the child is in need of clothing and necessities and that instead she brings gifts he most definitely does not need, she's going to see the manipulative intent in the aunt's actions. Keep in mind this is a worker specifically trained to see what is best for kids in need, and DVD players, while nice, are not a need. I'm pretty certain she can see desperate attempts at manipulation - which this most certainly is- and note them. realistically, a prospective parent who will manipulate a four year old with TVs and DVDs isn't going to be very effective in ten years, whereas you are providing structure and equality- the best hope for a child of that age going into a new family!

wow, you're doing a fantastic job, by the way!

Answer 5

Hi Charli,

gosh, it sounds to me like this woman is just trying to do two things.

1) Annoy you and deliberatly go out and buy it just because you said not to.

2) Buy this child out in order to get him to "like" her.

You will be seen as the sensible one here, don't worry about that! You are not being mean for not allowing it in his room. I find it wonderful that you are treating all the kids the same. So will those who matter.

Answer 6

I always say that TV is the worst enemy of the family.  I only have one tv in my three story house.  Every once in a while my spouse hints that a little tv in the kitchen would be handy.  Yes, it probably would--and then I think about:  how I would then have to fight the kids about turning it on during meals, how could I help with homework if the news was distracting me, etc.  So, I always refuse any offers or hints for a second tv.

I do think parents have not just a right, but a responsibility to make rules concerning or prohibit certain items for their children.  For instance, I will not allow my children to play with any sort of a "toy weapon."  No swords, guns, knives, hand grenades for my kids.  And if someone gave one to my children, I would confiscate the gift immediately--explaining why to the child and the gift giver.  Period.  I am the parent.  

If you currently have custody of your godson, he is living in your house under your care...I'd say he should follow the rules of the family/house.  I'd put the unwrapped tv in the garage for when the one in the rumpus room needs to be replaced.  Or, return it to the aunt and say that she can return it to the store for a refund or she can store it in her house...depends how strong of a message you need/want to send.

Answer 7

No, how can it count against you? Children with television equipment in their bedrooms have been found in survey after survey to be poorer sleepers and less alert at school than those children whose viewing is restricted to a downstairs family room.  At four years old he is in no need of this sort of stimulation at night, and he doesn't need to be spending hours alone in his bedroom during the day!  Stick by your guns - I can't think of a childcare professional who wouldn't applaud you for it.

Answer 8

It's a pizzing contest for her.  It started by being chosen as the guardian.  Her resentment lies in the fact that she's blood and you're not, to be chosen as a better parent is offensive to her.  It won't end here and everything you do will be under her microscope.  I'm a stepmother to two terrific kids and signed on for a bitter woman who hates the air I breathe.  And the nicer I am, and the better I am to the kids the angrier she gets.  It's strange.  Your situation is not terribly different.  Rest up, it'll get worse before it gets better.  But it will get better.  Being angry and obsessed is exhausting.  It goes away when there's a lack of response on the other end.  I shrugged a lot and pretended not to care.  Took years but she finally realized it's no fun fighting by yourself.  Put the TV in the rec-room, and dont bring it up again.  If she brings it up at Thanksgiving (rest assured she will go looking for it), shrug and say, we don't allow TVs in the kids rooms.  Give it no more attention than that.  

This particular situation is win-win for her, because the TV either goes in his room, or she'll be able to rant about your choice for quite some time.  Directly to him I might add.  A sad story about how all she wanted to get him was a little TV of his own, and you wouldn't allow it.  It's an uphill crawl, and it could go on for years, but where this child needs a loving home, it's for the greater good.  Hang in there.

Answer 9

While he is under your roof, and until/if the courts decide he should go to his aunt, you are the parents, you make the rules.  She needs to understand and respect that.   He needs some sense of routine and normalcy in his life, and by treating him differently than your other children, well that is just disruptive to him.

I would try to talk to her about it, though it sounds like she won't be listening.  You can only do so much.  Put the television away somewhere where he will forget about it, and when/if she asks about it, let her know you did not think it was an appropriate gift for a four year old, but you are saving it for when he is a little bit older.  If she throws a fit about it, tell her she can take it back if she wants, but you are not going to be letting him have it in his room.  Stress that you are his parent, that you are trying to not make him feel differently than your biological children, and that this is what he needs at this tumultuous time in his life.  Let her know you are grateful for the help she gives, but that you still have the final say for now.

Even if you get to adopt him, you are going to have to allow her into his life, so you need to try and keep the peace while still looking out for his best interests.  This will be hard, but I think it is important for him to have her in his life, and for her to respect you as his parents.  

Good luck!

Answer 10

I can't imagine it would be held against you, you sound like wonderful parents and that is the most important thing.

Answer 11

You are totally doing the right thing.  It sounds like she is trying to overthrow your authority, which isn't fair.

I think you run your house under marvellous rules and you should stick to them.  

:-)

Answer 12

She's just trying to undermine your authority & get to you by the sounds of it. Buying gifts is usually a desperate way to get the child to like/love you (my kids stepmum does this - it isnt working now & that's her problem!)

Let your case worker know what happened & that you said it was inappropriate to her. Keep them in their box still. All she's doing is making herself look bad. If you havent already, get a diary and put in it only what she does (or is trying to do & your reaction to it) & when it happens.

Make sure you get that letter from his parents as to their wishes that you adopt their son (if you can) as you have looked after him numerous times for so long.

I think it's actually in your favour he isnt interested in it. You're doing the right thing darl & he already is like your child. I'm sure your case worker will see this.

Good luck

Answer 13

There is no need for a four-year-old to have a television in his room.    Since there is already a television in the rumpus room, there's no need to put another in there, either.  

I think that you have a couple of options.  You could say to your Godson, "Your aunt bought you this nice TV and DVD player, so be sure to thank her.  Since you already have TV in the rumpus room, I'm going to put these away for you until you're a very big boy.  Then they will still be nice and new when you're old enough to have a TV of your own."

And/or, you can say to the aunt, "I know that he would absolutely love this TV if I let him have it, but it is really important to me to stick with my house rules in regard to televisions in the bedrooms.   I'd like to put it away for him until he is older.  Or, if you want him to have a present from you that he can use right now, could you choose something else for him?   He'd probably enjoy a nice bicycle with training wheels!"

Maybe if she could feel she is getting him something special, she'd back off on the TV and choose something else.

Answer 14

4 years old is too young to even know how to use a televison and dvd player.

But the if the aunt wants to give him a television and dvd player, make some money by selling them on eBay, then buy him some useful things with the money that you make. This way it will still be a gift from the aunt, just in a different form.

Good Luck

Answer 15

this is not wrong at all. For one thing ur other children will see it as unfair and might feel jealous, making the formation of relationships much more tense and difficult. Dont forget where he comes from of course and tell him he is welcome to talk about it with you, but rules and material privilages are for you to set.

Answer 16

I am so happy to see others like me. It completely drives me nuts to see young children with TVs in their bedrooms. After dinner, the entire family goes to their room to watch their own TV shows....Makes no sense to me. I would not allow them in the bedroom until my kids were teenagers.

Anyway, Stick to your beliefs. Sounds like the Aunt is trying to buy his affection...She will try to turn it around and make it look like you are withholding the gifts she brings to him, but anyone that knows you & your family will know the truth. Make sure to explain it to the Social Worker though.

I applaud you for not giving the TV back to her and suggesting where SHE put it.

Answer 17

Absolutely!! U dont want to show favouritism to anyone of your children, and you never know if one of them may misconstrue this. This Aunt is trying to buy him by the sounds of it. I would be really tempted to sell that TV/DVD and buy him something he really needs with the money

Answer 18

I really don't think it can be held against you in any way - you have temporary custody and thus your rules apply, simple as that. You also told the aunt before she bought the tv NOT to buy such a gift and that it would not go in his room - nor should it, it's great that you treat him just like your other kids - so if anything it will make HER look bad.. Lots of luck!

Answer 19

I strongly doubt that this will be held against you. Being a good parent is about making rules and being consistent. Allowing him to spend all his time alone in his room watching DVDs is not going to help him be one of the family.

It does sound like the aunt was trying to buy his affection. The fact that you specifically told her not to buy TVs but she went ahead and bought it anyway does speak volumes about her tactics. Why ask what he needs and then buy exactly what you told her NOT to buy?

However I would be careful about making a big deal about it to the case worker, you don't want to come off sounding like you are the one making trouble. Tell her, but don't get nasty about it. Good Luck.

Answer 20

I don't think it will be held against you at all.  A four year old does not need a television in his room.  As you stated, he lives in your house, he should follow your rules.  The aunt should have respected your wishes.  In my opinion, she just made herself look bad.

Answer 21

You know this sounds fine to me, and just because you have rules in your home doesn't mean that you aren't able to be a wonderful parent.  I commend you a lot, especially with those twins... all of them.  I don't know how you do it.  I went out today with my 3 year old and my 4 year old disabled son, just to a few places to get some shirts to fit me, and came to the realization that once I have a set of twins to go with what I already have, I will probably never go anywhere. lol...