Change my maid of honor?

Question

A while before I was engaged my cousin and I were just daydreaming about my future wedding and she asked if she could be the maid of honor and I said ok. So now I acctually am engaged and told her she is the maid of honor because I felt obligated.

Anyway, she doesnt seem excited about it, or seem to care at all. My other bridesmaids call me all the time to help me plan stuff and they are doing everything she is supposed to do. I called her yesterday to tell her when we were going dress shopping and she didnt understand why she had to buy her own dress (they are not very expensive and I cant afford to buy 6 of them for eveyone) and then I mentioned a bridal shower and she was like "oh am I supposed to have something to do with that?"

I know I cant expect her to know what she is "suposed" to do, or expect her to do any of it, but shes not even asking or acting like she wants to be involved.

This is making me sad because I really would rather have my best friend be my maid of honor because she is acting like it acctually means something to her.

My mom said I should just tell her that I would rather have my friend do it. But I would feel like such an jerk. What should I do?

Please be nice in your answers I dont need you telling me how selfish I am, etc.

Answer 1

If you only gave her the honour with the expectation that she would do something else in return (i.e. throw you a shower, help you plan stuff) then you should have said so up front. Let her know now that you were offering this as a trade, and ask if she still wants to be your maid of honour.

Answer 2

I'm currently in a similar situation so I hopefully can impart some good advice. Your cousin is always going to be your cousin and quite honestly friends can come and go- even if they are your best friend. Maybe your cousin hasn't been in a wedding before and just needs some guidance before she can take on the duties. My bridesmaids are more of a team than one MOH who does everything, because each one has something different to contribute. One of my bridesmaids is really crafty so she wants to be involved in the invitations and decor, one loves fashion so is organizing all the dress fitting info and one is wild and crazy and is planning the bachelorette party. Maybe something like this would work for you- with your cousin organizing the shower and your best friend organizing other things. I think its really important to consider your cousin's feelings- family first yet, still get everything organized and have a great time doing it! Good luck!  

Answer 3

A way to do this is to make it sound like a favor you're doing for her, to relieve her. Say you felt bad that you "assigned" her these MOH tasks and that you didn't take into account how busy she was. You feel just awful, tell her, and that's why you are assigning someone else the MOH job. Apologize to her for pushing all this MOH work on her! This gives a face-saving way to relieve her of duties, and sounds better than "you're not doing anything for me, so you're fired." It's still a little awkward, but should be a little smoother. She might even be glad.

I had a similar circumstance. My best friend asked me to be an usher but felt obliged to make his brother Best Man. His brother didn't want to do anything, so I planned the bachelor party. (Nothing appalling--just a steakhouse and a few clubs, no strippers!) His brother didn't even come. But I didn't mind and my friend was grateful.

Answer 4

Demote her.  It's your wedding.  You deserve to be happy.  DON'T LET HER RUIN IT or you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Tell her that you feel that she can not handle the responsibility of  being a Maid of Honor.  Or just say "I was wandering if it's okay that I let [best friend's name] be my Maid of Honor instead.  She has been like a sister to me and she has been very active in the planning of my wedding.  I feel like I owe it to her for doing that.  I know that you have been very supportive too but I just feel that you and I are not as close as we use to be.  I still want you to be part of my wedding but as a bridesmaid instead.  I know that I promised this honor to you when we were younger but times changed."

You are not being selfish at all.  Your cousin is just making it difficult for you.

Answer 5

First of all, you aren't being selfish.

Well okay, sort of, but this IS your day. And it's not about making your cousin happy.

Just sit her down and tell her that your Best Friend has showed more interest in being your Maid of Honor, and you think it would be better if she was your MOH. And ask her if she can still be part of the wedding, but as a bridesmaid.

Answer 6

if your cousin is mature, she should be able to accept it.  just try to phrase it nicely, such as, it seems like she has some financial concerns and that she seems to have a lot on her plate right now, and so you would like to change over the responsibility of maid of honor to your friend who at this point can better afford to through you a bridal shower.  Ask her if that would be okay.  She of course would still be in the wedding party, but would financially only have to pay for the dress and wouldnt have to stress out about any other responsibilities.  

if one happens to be married and the other not married you can have a  maid and matron of honer.  or make up your own designation and call them co-maid of honers if you think that your cousin would get upset.

you can also phrase it as being an option that your cousin can choose to opt out of the responsibilities or have the co-maid of honer option, or step up to the plate.  you don't want to upset family and i don't know what your cousin is like, hopefully through she will understand.

hope that helps you think of some options.  good luck.      

Answer 7

explain exactly what you said to her and honestly pick the best friend i am having similar troubles on which one to pick!

Answer 8

I would ask her. Say cousin tell me honestly if you want to be my maid of honor. You don't seem that into it and the role of the MOH should be X and I would not feel bad if you didn't want to do it.

Answer 9

First off, you should sit down with her and let her know what you expect of her as a maid of honor and what the maid of honor's duties are...she may not know!...let her know how how you feel...after letting her know what you expect of her as a maid of honor...ask her if this is something she is still interested in being a part of...ask her how she feels being in the wedding..that way everything is all laid out on the table...try asking her to go out to lunch and start small talk about the wedding...it may be easier than just a "sit-down confrontation"...if she's still willing to do it...then she'll know what you expect of her as a maid of honor...if she's not..bump her down to a bridesmaid and move a bridesmaid up....if she's still willing to do be maid of honor after you let her know what you expect of her and what her duties are and she is still being a sour lemon...then let her know how disappointed you are...she may just give up being MOH altogether....  

Answer 10

I would call your cousin tomorrow and tell her that you have decided not to have her as a MOH.  Just tell her that she does not appear to want to be involved and you need someone who is participating now.  Just let her know you still want her to come to the wedding and enjoy herself, but she won't be under obligation for all the expenses associated with being a member of the wedding party. If she gets in a huff, tough.

Answer 11

sounds like she's being the jerk. sounds like she jealous and unsupportive. she may not seem like that type of person but everyone knows how to hide things and actions speak louder than words. Hunni, this is the one day out of your life that you get to be the princess. this is your one granted selfish day and its sacred. you need ppl around you who love and support you and who are actually happy for you. she's not happy for you. just think, if she's barely around when you need her the most now, then how can you expect her to be there for you when this is over? she gonna be a MIA hunni missing in action just like now. girl go get your best friend and make her your maid of honor. at least she'll be honored and appreciate it. tell your other friend what you decided and however she takes it...build a bridge and get over it. she's not much of a friend anyway it doesn't matter how long you've known her. Good Luck.