Change of situation again?

Question

Hi, i'm here again, situation changed AGAIN,sorry if you have read my question before but really need more advice. 3 weeks ago my hubby (married 2 years together 22 years, 2 children 7 and 11)told me he doesn't love me, doesn't know why, but says he does care for me. He left the family home and is staying with his brother, which i know is definite. In the meantime 1 minute he says he does love me and i should know that i am his girl and that there is hope for us next minute no he only cares. He also still sees us everyday and asks my opinions on his work wants to take us on days out takes me shopping etc,now i have been giving him a bad time recently accusing him of seeing other women, i have no real reason to believe this just have an obsession about it, probably due to me being an insecure person. I have been to the drs to try and sort myself out and i have been giving anti depressants.Last night my hubby said to me am i prepared for a trial seperation of about 4 weeks, i said no if we are going to split up then make the break now. he said so your not prepared to wait, i said no, he kept asking me about this so i said do you want me to wait and he replied yes, i asked him what will happen if he decides he still doesnt want to be with me to which he said he doesn't know. i dont know if i am prepared to do this. i asked him if him wanting me to wait shows there may be some hope for us and he says maybe. Hubby is a lovely guy, i didn't realise how lucky i was, I'm so confused and undecided, any opinions plz ty.

21 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer.

Answer 1

To me sounds like hubby does have a girlfriend or any chance he could like men, any-who he is confused. Wait if you like but if you get back together I dought it will get better. I wish you luck, it has to be killing you.

Answer 2

Ok, you said you have in the past given your husband problems by accusing him being with other women because of your jealousy. It appears your husband left because he felt unloved and disrespected by your accusations. Whenever a man that is a good husband does not get positive strokes of appreciation from his wife, and instead gets yelled at and accused of cheating, he gets to the point of losing hope for the marriage. He sounds to have given up and finds more peace with not being at home. The jealousy has placed a wedge between the both of you. He now finds it hard to sort his feelings about you. He loves you but does not feel in love as he should be because of his unhappiness. After saying all of this, my advice to you would be to stop making it so easy for him to have access to you. I know you love him and want him back, but if you make it too easy you are not giving him incentive to want to come back to face the problems and to work on them. You need to in a loving but serious manner tell him you understand if he wants time away and will respect him by giving him space. But, you also want him to respect your feelings by not seeing him during this time as it only confuses you and makes moving on too difficult. If he asks if you will wait, DO NOT promise to wait. Simply say you do not know how you will feel in 4 weeks but for now you maintain the hope that he will finally decide by then what it is he wants. In the mean time he needs to know you are not going to think of a reconciliation as you do no longer want to be with him if he does not know what he wants. Then let him go and show him his freedom is secure by you SILENCE. Do not call him, do not make excuses to talk with him, do not see him, do not allow him to come over whenever he wants to. If he wants to see the children make arrangements for a relative or friend to be there when he picks them up. In time he will re-gain respect for you. Lack of respect is what is making him treat you as he has. He sees you as a pushover. A man needs to respect a woman in order to treat her right. You have to see your situation from an outsiders point of view. I see it as him placing hope in front of you to keep you waiting and yet he withdraws his love as a way to manipulate you to change. You need to stop doing what you have been doing and that is being so available to him and so anxious to get back with him because obviously it has not worked. You are losing your dignity by allowing him to come and go as he wishes and sooner or later he will lose respect for you. Your attitude should be, "I love you but I am not willing to be with you if you are so unhappy. I hold no promises but I will hope you find what it is you are looking for even it it is not with me. In the mean time please respect me enough to allow me to make an effort to move on as it is too difficult for me to pretend we are together when we are not"...Then remember, your actions have to back up what you say. If you do not do this, I guarantee you he will forever be going back and forth and it sounds as if he is weighing the options of searching for other women. He must have incentive to come back home and be the responsbile father and husband he vowed to be. Good luck to you!

Answer 3

It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, and both of you are confused. See if will is willing to go into counseling, if he's not maybe that's your answer. All marriages have problems, and it takes both of you being committed to working things out. Maybe a little time apart would help, but not 4 weeks. That's to long a time apart. I hope things work out for you. God bless.    

Answer 4

I suggest you both go to relationship counselling as soon as possible - of course he'll have to agree to that, but it sounds like he might well. Sounds like you need an objective outsider to help you sort this whole mess out - because at the moment it all sounds very confusing. I'm not saying that will magically solve your problems but it will clarify what the issues are so you can both make a more informed decision at the end. Please don't split up without getting help with this - I don't think Yahoo answers alone can sort it out!.

Interesting that the other posters so far seem to assume that he's to blame but in my professional experience (unless there really is infidelity)  there are almost always two sides to the story.

Answer 5

It ain't no wonder you are on anti-depressants.  It sounds to me that you want him so bad you are willing to take the blame for everything and change things that may not need to be changed...

You last statement says he is a lovely man sorry to be the one to say this but a lovely man would never play this kind of head games with a person...  

It sounds like he does not really want you but he is going to hang out a little to make sure no one else gets you...  

DON'T WAIT FOR THIS IDIOT believe me you diserve a healthy relationship....

Answer 6

this is what i would do: say yes to the trail seperation but put in your head that it's a permanent break. Obviously this man is yoyoying you. I don't beleive in confusion for particular things. your situation is one of them. I think that you have to be strong, put your foot down, if someone wants to leave you and you've tried really hard to hold on to them and work it out, let them go. While you are on the trial seperation, work on yourself, as in how to make you happy [not for him but for you]. Let HIM see how life would be without you.

If he's confused, make the decision FOR him!

Answer 7

He'll keep dangling the carrot until you stop following it.

Answer 8

I agree with gemini. I would do a week without contact from him and see what he does. It sounds like he wants you to be at his beckon call whenever he feels like it. Just be strong and get through that week no matter how many times he tries to contact you. Maybe then he'll see what he has and want to stay. It's like that saying goes "you don't know what you got til it's gone."  And if he doesn't try anything or acts like he didn't even care then he's not worth it anymore. You need to find out what makes you happy and be there for you children no matter what happens.

Answer 9

It seems like he doesnt know what he wants, but he shouldnt expect you to just hang around  for 4 weeks and wait til hes come to a decision, thats unfair!!! Id give him a week, no contact at all, and after that see what he says!! but youve also got to ask yourself what you want?? you may get back together and this may happen again? are you prepared to take that risk??!!