Changing the name of a 2 yo?

Question

I just got a 2 yo boy and his bm says please dont change his name as she named him after a friend of hers who killed himself in high school by taking an overdose of drugs they were partiers together.

I feel pretty strongly that i dont want him named after a teenaged drug addict who od'ed.

what do you think?

Answer 1

Just because he bears the name of a person who od'd doesn't mean he will follow in his footsteps.  It has been his name for 2 years...don't change it.  You can always give him a nickname and use that if you are really not comfortable using his birth name.  He is in a new place with you so it will be even more confusing to him if he is suddenly called by another name.

Answer 2

If you are adopting him, you have every right to change it. If you wanted, you could leave it as is on paper and just call him something else. I'd want it official though. He's your son now, I can understand why you'd want it to be different with a story like that!

Answer 3

You might be his adoptive mother now but the one who gave him life was the one who named him.

I think you should respect her wishes and not change his name.

Yes it might be of a dead drugy friend but the way he died has nothing to do with your adoptive sons name its the fact that he did and your adoptive sons real mom was honoring him you should most definetly keep his name

and if you have a problem with it come up with your own nick name

Answer 4

Boy, to me this is really difficult question. I'm 58 years old and didn't know until 6 years ago that I had an original birth certificate and another name.  It sort of hit me funny as my parents had told me that they had been honest about everything.

When you did the adoption was it done with  a lawyer, was there  a clause in it about the change of the name, did you sign something saying you keep the name that the baby came with (that sort of sounds funny, but don't know a better way to put it).  Is it the name you don't

or is it the memories of where he came from.

By 2 yrs old he already knows knows his name. It will be hard but not impossible

for him to learn a new name, but this poor child is going to be going through

an entire change of life,he is going to live with in a whole new space, with new people, maybe keeping one thing, like keeping his  name might not be so bad,he needs something to  Just give it sooomoe thought

Answer 5

Please respect your son and his mother enough to keep his name. I like the idea of your picking out several names you like and then letting him pick one. That is very respectful to him. Just have that be his middle name. You can even call him by that, or by Phin, or whichever he wants (um, except Booger or similar).

It sounds as if he and his first mother will remain in each others lives (or at least I hope so), and so it is even more important that you leave this bond between them. He will love you later for allowing him this bond to his mother -- and for not making him choose between you. Please, leave the name.

Answer 6

it is your "right" though i wouldnt change the childs name once they have learned that name... once the child turns in the direction the name is called form then they know their name..... you dont have to tell the child who they were named after. just because their name are the same doesnt mean he will grow up that way.... just like not every charles convinces people to kill others.....

Answer 7

Honestly, I think you should just change his name. His mom sounds really immature. Later, when he's older, you can tell him what his original name was and the meaning behind it if you want.

You are his parent now, not her. I have no idea why people think this kid needs to feel connected to his birth mother...And I come from a family of adopted people. In other countries it is the custom to change a child's name upon adoption and those children turn out no worse for the wear.

Most importantly though, the kid doesn't even know his fricken' name yet!!! He has been called a nickname for most of his life like you said. It's not going to hurt him to change his official name and stop calling him by a nickname. I've had a lot of different names over the years and it didn't give me any kind of crazy identity crisis.

Answer 8

How do you think he will react to the name change? Regardless as to why he is named this name, or what his birth mother thinks,  If he knows his name already,  would not change it.

Not to please myself, not to please my sons birth mother, but for the sake of the child's identity

Answer 9

Change his name . He's 2 years old. He'll adjust look what he's gone through already. My son had his child kidnapped by a couple with the help of their church adoption agency. My son would love to name his son but decided to keep his first name as far has the last name that's for another judge to decided so for right now his name is baby boy. So people should he have to keep that name because it's on his birth record

     So as I said give him the name you chose. The mother gave that right away when she either gave him up or the state took him from here either way she lost her right.

Answer 10

i think you should respect her wishes, maybe even make it a middle name and change his first or change his middle and call him by that. he doesnt have to know the story of how he got his name. my old boss went throu the same struggle with her adopted daughter, she ended up just calling her mya instead of her birth name

Answer 11

its a name, that doesnt mean he'll do like him, i bet hes not the only person wit that name

Answer 12

I'm named after a great aunt who was schizophrenic and ended up killing herself.  

Amazingly, I am not schizophrenic, and except for the few times that I have encountered her (the great aunt's) children, I haven't felt like my name is a reflection of her...just a nice name that my parents wanted to use.

I do not think, at two, that you should be changing his name that his MOM asked you not to.  You can maybe add a middle name and call him a nickname if you want, but at two he all ready knows his name, and I think it would do him, and his first mother a disservice by changing it.  It is part of who he is, and you need to accept that because that isn't going to change, even if you change his name, he will always have a link to his biological family, whether you want him to or not.

Answer 13

this child is adjusting from one home to another. concentrate of loving him. his name--and the reasons behind it-- is really a non-issue.

Answer 14

Hey.  I absolutely think you should change his name if you feel the need or desire.  He is 2.  

I would have to say if he was older --  i feel that he should have the choice.  



At 2...  it is TOTALLY your call in my opinion.

We adopted our child at 16...  he had been in foster care since he was 2.  I did not ask him to change his name...  though secretly i really was hoping he would change his last name to ours...  but at 16 - i felt it was his call.  Well a week before the adoption he called our caseworker and changed his name.  He took my hubbys name and adder the 4th.  (my hubby is the 3rd.)  LOL  i know, crazy -- but it is what he wanted.  When i asked him why -- he said that if he was our bio child he would have probably been given that name - and he wanted to have it.  So ok.  :)  

But yeah - 2yr old.  Go for it mom!

Answer 15

If this child does not know his name, how about incorporating "Phennigan" as a middle name, as to honor this birthmother's request?  But serioulsy, that is the mispelled name of a drug.   How about, instead, making it "Finn"?  (cute!)

Answer 16

Why is this about what you want?  I realize that his mother has no more rights because he is now your son, but please, please be respectful of the relationship they have, and will always have.  She gave him his name for a reason.  Please do not take his identity from him.

Answer 17

I wouldnt change his name because it could lead to a kind of identity crisis. No one said you had to disclose to him WHY his name is what it is. Let him think someone just picked it cus they liked it.

Definately don't call him Booger, sheesh.

Answer 18

My name was changed without my consent (obviously) when I was 2 years old.  I never particularly appreciated that.  As an adult, I changed it back.

This is the little boy's name -- no one else's.  It really doesn't matter the mother's reason for naming him that.  It's his now, no matter who else in this world may also have, may have had it at one time, or may have it in the future.  It is his and I believe that this needs to be respected.  It's not about anyone else -- even the mother.  It's about the child whose name it is.

ETA:

I have no idea if your extra information included me or not, but I do want you to know that I clearly comprehended the nature of the situation.  I know that you haven't it changed it at this point.  I know that he has never grown accustomed to the name.  Those still aren't the issue for me.  The issue is that it IS his name and it really doesn't matter how he got it.  It is his and I do not believe it should be changed for anyone else.

Answer 19

Was this discussed pre adoption?  Surely you discussed this prior to recieving the child?  If so you should stick to your word.  If not, I know I am a minority on here, but I don't have a problem changing a two year olds name, well not change but add to it, so move first name to middle and add new first name.  

Make sure if you do this he knows that it was changed.  No secrets.

Answer 20

If the child doesn't know the name I think it is fine to change his origional name to his middle.  I wouldn't remove it all together because it still has something to do with his past.  I think it is a nice idea to have him pick his name from a list though it makes him part of the process.  Good luck and congratulations!

Answer 21

well what is his name?

Answer 22

This is a difficult question.  As an adoptive parent, I know that part of the process of claiming your new child is giving them a special name.  I have three children adopted from China, and I gave them American names, while keeping their Chinese names as their middle names.

However, my children's names were given to them by a member of the orphanage staff, NOT by their birth mothers.  If I had adopted a child in the U.S., or even internationally, that was named by his birth mother, I don't think I could bring myself to change that name.

Since he has been called by a nickname, and doesn't actually know his real name, I would give him whatever name you like as a MIDDLE name, and call him by that if you choose.   But I would keep the name his birthmother gave him as his legal first name, no matter who he was named after.

Answer 23

When i was born I was called Baby Keri by my BM and the hospital carried on with that, My mum and dad changed  it to something they love and it ment something to them, You child as the child will be once you adopt him will be your and regardless what anyone does or says you have every right to change his name to what ever you like. He is going to be your son and do you not think you have a right to name your own child.....

"not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but miraculously my own, you did not grow under my heart but in it"

remember he may not have grown in your tummy but you will love him and protect him as if he did.

Name the little boy as if he grew under your heart not just in it.

Do what you would as if the boy was biologically yours, as the love is still the same for the lottile boy, don't let anyone say its a different love cause its not.

I have my own kids biologically but i dont think i love them anymore than my parents loved me (AP's that is) and i would do literally anything for my kids i love them to the end of the end.....

Answer 24

He has a name.  Respect that

Answer 25

I like the list of names idea. He's young and will probably like that. If he's been being called BOOGER!... I think he will be fine. Just be careful about it. Good luck.

Answer 26

He has a name. If this is an open adoption, I'd say keep the name.  

If you named your kid after a close friend who died (no matter how he died), you wouldn't change the name.  You didn't know the person, but this child has had his name for 2 years.  Keep it.

Answer 27

I have mixed emotions on this. My wife and i want to adopt and we are doing so from foster care.  Most of the kids listed on the site have "interesting" names to put it mildly.  Stuff like Gucci, Armani, Le this or Ta that. We thought we would change their name once the adoption was complete.  The reason is that names like that  hurt people in the long run. They don't get called for job interviews and their are times when they are prejudged by other people because of it.  I want to give my children a leg up in the world not hold them back.  Then i started frequenting this section on Y/A and i realised that the name helps adoptee feel a connection to thier first mom.  We still  have decided if we feel it is  possibel to keep the name then we will if it is to outragous we will make it a middle name just so they still have it.  

I know that you don't think he will be a drug addict but you don't want the symbolism behind the name. All or most kids ask about their name at some point  to tell a child that would be horibble.  Now if the name is "normal" i would keep it and when he ask you just say that his b mom gave it to him for a good friend of hers or you can move it to the middle name

Answer 28

A 2 year old is old enough to know what his name is.  Please don't change it.  This child's name is one of the few things that is HIS.  And it is HIS name, not the friend of his birthmother's that overdosed.  

I'm not big on changing names at all, unless the child wishes it.

Answer 29

can you not do the one thing she asked of you?

Answer 30

What did you tell his bio-Mother? Did you tell her that you would keep the name she gave him? If you did then the least you can do is honor your word to her.

I also think he is too old to have to adjust to a new name.

Answer 31

Keep it has a middle name and tell him the story behind it.

I have 3 names.hun..it will be ok :)  I knew my Middle name first and learn my first name in Kindergarden/First grade :)

It will make him feel close to his birth mom if he cares in the future.

It can be his 2nd middle name.  So you can address all future document with main , 1st middle and last name.  The 2nd middle name will just be on the birth certificate.

ps Thank God you have that child( the mom is a bird)