Check My Japanese Speech Please?

Question

Hi, im in grade 8 (14yrs) and i have to do a speech tomorrow and i have to sound like an average 14 year old learning japanese - please check if anything needs improving (btw it's fairly formal) - arigatoo gozaimasu

konnichi-wa (bow)

boku no namae wa jakku makku namaaraa desu

juu yon sai desu

boku no tanjoobi wa roku gatsu ni juu roku nichi desu

************** kareeji no chuugaku ni nensei desu

******* ni sunde imasu

boku no kazoku wa san nin desu

chichi to haha to boku desu

chichi no namae wa sutiivaan desu

chichi wa yon juu nana sai desu

kuriketto to shuumatsu ga suki desu

haha no namae wa sherii desu

haha wa yon juu roku sai desu

boku no haha no shumi wa dokusho desu

inu to neko ga imasu

inu no namae wa benii desu

doggu fuudo o tabemasu

shumakoo ga dai suki desu

neko no namae wa jinjaa desu

kyatto fuudo o tabamasu

boku no shumi wa hokkee desu

do yoobi ni hokkee o shimasu

hokkee ga dai suki desu

gakkoo mo dai suki desu

ichi-ban suki na kamoku wa nihon-go desu

ongaku no sensei wa kibishii kara anmari suki janai desu

nihon ryoori ga suki desu

ichi-ban suki na nihon ryoori wa nigiri zushi desu

yoroshiku onegai shimasu (bow)

arigatoo gozaimasu

Answer 1

NOTE FOR BELIE - Hi Belie, this is no insult to you, your Japanese is way better than mine. Shumakoo means "smacko", smackos are a popular dog treat in Australia. I don't know if you get them in America, and you're from America aren't you?

By the way, i'd write "sumakkoo" for smacko's Jack!

Here are some corrections keeping it basic.

boku no namae wa jakku makku namaaraa desu - put your last name first - boku no namae wa makku jakku desu.

chichi no namae wa sutiivaan SAN desu (don't forget SAN)

kuriketto to shuumatsu ga suki desu - (dad) like crickets and weekends. Is that what you mean?

haha no namae wa sheriiSAN desu (don't forget SAN)

doyoobi ni hokkee o shimasu. Maybe add in with WHO, and a TIME (if you've learnt time, i'll put time in "" so you can remove it if you haven't learnt time). That'll sound better. Doyoobi ni, sanji han kara yojihan made, tomodachi to, hokkee wo shimasu. (with my friend from 3.30 until 4.30)

nihon ryoori ga suki desu - nihon NO ryoori ga suki desu

Hope this helps. Email me for more help. I probably missed something too. Someone else will  find it though.

CB400 - Thanks! My Japanese teacher however always stresses that i use san after every name aside from my own. She marked me down in an exam when i didn't halfway through this year. I was describing a family member and left out san. Hmm! Dunno! I trust your translations though so i believe you!

Answer 2

Hajimemashite is better than konnichiwa for opening up an introduction.

"haha no shumi wa dokusho desu" You don't need boku no, it's obvious it's your mother.

"inu to neko o katteimasu" (o katteimasu = I own, ga imasu = there are)

"shumakoo ga dai suki desu" Shumakoo?

"kyatto fuudo o tabemasu" Tabemasu, not tabamasu. Just a typo though, right? :)

"ongaku no sensei wa kibishii kara anmari suki dewa arimasen." Janai desu is OK but your introduction is pretty formal so I think dewa arimasen is better

Answer 3

Your speech is good though I would suggest to put the "yoroshiku onegai shimasu" at the beginning, right after "juu yon sai desu".

or

Let it as it is but after "ichi-ban suki na nihon ryoori wa nigiri zushi desu", make a pause and say "DOUZO yoroshiku onegai shimasu (bow)"

And, as Belie pointed out, include "hajimemashite". But my suggestion is, say it right after "konnichiwa" in the beginning.

I won't be correcting your other sentences because basically they are okay. They are not the best, but I don't consider them wrong either (besides, other answerers will point that out and I am getting lots of thumbs down, which is great).

I hope that helps.

@Beau C:  No, you don't put "san" after the name of the father and the mother. You are giving the name as information, you are not addressing them.