Check out my poem....Please?

Question

This is my first real try at poetry, so if you hate it, please be nice.

The radio is burning

The soldiers are asleep

They're stuck on a journey

Where everything is cheap

And soon the boss will awake

He'll push them on their way

Not a thing is at stake

But he just wants a taste

The radio is reporting

Everything that went wrong

Your vision is distorting

You know you've went along

The radio is lying

The monsters are all here

Nobody is trying

Here comes your deepest fear......

Answer 1

i really like it

theres something kind of ordered about it

if that makes any sence

to be honest, i wouldnt worry about rhymes

some of the best poetry

doesnt have rhymes at all

so if they arent perfect who cares

i've always found poetry to be more about meaning

than technicality

there is no point have a technically great poem

that does nothing for the reader

you;re poem intregued me, and i read it several times

and it made me think

thats what a good poem does i think

so keep writing!

Answer 2

It isn't bad, it does need work

And soon the boss will awake

He'll push them on their way

Not a thing is at stake

But he just wants a taste

That last line abruptly ends, its needs to be worked on, or clean up the first line--The "and" should be removed--perhaps

"Soon the boss will wake

Pushing them on their way

Not a thing is at stake

All he wants is a taste"

Way and taste are a bit reaching as far as rhyming--It is a little off when you read it out loud

I would also break up the two radio references at the end with 4 middle lines. It sounded a bit redundant

Answer 3

Wow .  Im speachless.

(Vote me as best answer)

Answer 4

dont stop writing.   please

Answer 5

Cool. I heard music when I read this. It would be great lyrics for a song, I think.