Check this out it's something i'm working on ( ME ) please read lol?

Question

Make A Business

When will you wake up

Figure out this is a break up

No I won't make up with you

I thought we were everthing

I thought we did everything

I thought we were everything to you

The flowers were nothing

All the words meant something

But nothing was what you were

Begin for please forgiviness

Don't you want to make a business

Answer 1

This flows very well, I like it, but I have a little suggestion.

I think the third stanza would work better with more beats per line.

Maybe something like

"The flowers, they were nothing,

All the words meant something, to me.

But nothing, nothing was what you were."

Hope this helps. Happy writing!

Answer 2

You might want to add some punctuation, I think that makes poems more powerful, but sometimes it isn't.

Here is my revised version:

When will you wake up,

Figure out this is a break up?

No, I won't make up with you.

I thought we were everything,

I thought we did everything,

I even thought we meant everything to you.

I guess the flowers were nothing,

I don't care if the words meant something,

But nothing was what you always were.

What does begin for please forgiveness mean? Begging, "Please!" for forgiveness, or does it mean to begin forgiving?

If it meant the former, that doesn't make sense, unless the person the poem is addressed to is begging. The latter doesn't make sense either... 'cause you wouldn't want forgiveness, unless it means that you are beginning to forgive them...

I think it means that you are beginning to forgive them or that they are looking for forgiveness. Please answer in the additional details.

Either way, that line needs rephrasing. How about this:

You're looking for forgiveness;

Don't you want to make a business?

I'm not exactly sure I got that right, but I hope it helped...

Answer 3

That is bloody brilliant. I love it. You really have a rare talent, wow!