Chi injury - how do I treat it?

Question

Yesterday I was sparring this Yellow Bamboo practicioner. I kicked him in the ribs and stomach, then punched him in the face while he yelled "KIAAAAIII!!!" at me. Eventually he beat me because he yelled so loudly and so much that red "chi-plasma" came out of his mouth into my eye and blinded me. While I was blind he disappeared into a wheeled royal palanquin of some sort - it had blinky lights on top! He was carried off by EMT's which I assume are Energy Manipulation Trainees. They sort of bowed toward him and shook their heads a lot - probably from respect and fear.

The problem is I think his "chi-punch" hurt me. I have tooth-shaped lacerations on my knuckles, and one of my toes seems to have been sprained. Can someone tell me the counter-kiai to heal my wounds from this chi master? I respectfully ask your help.

Answer 1

Make an appointment to see a psychiatrist ASAP.

Answer 2

In order to cure yourself of this malady, you will need a mirror, 7 Blue candles, a pair of goats, and a small gong. Place the candles in the form of a "C" (stands for "Chi"...neat, huh?), and hang the gong on a small string from the ceiling, hanging directly in front of you while you are seated on your knees. The "C" of candles must be to your right at a 32 degree angle from your centerline. Stake the goats behind you -  they really don't do anything, but lend authenticity to your ceremony; people walking by will see them and assume that there is a mystical ceremony taking place, and their beleif will lend energy to your proceedings. Make sure you have food for them though, because if they get hungry and start bleating, they will interrupt your reverse Chi flow; and they might start chewing on your pants...

Once you have everything in place, light the candles and hit the gong three times. Chant in a monotone voice "evil chi, release me" three times. Then go eat a cheeseburger, leaving the candles lit while you are away. When you get back, hit the gong another three times and feed the goats. Blow out the candles and collect the excess wax. You must ball this up into one big lump and throw it forcefully over your left shoulder with a counterclockwise twist.

Voila!! Bad chi gone, chi injuries healed!!!

BTW, it doesn't matter where you hang the mirror, just that you have it somewhere in the vicinity of the candles. The mirror will mystically absorb the evil chi and hold it so that you can redirect it's force back at your attacker at an opportune moment.

EDIT: this is what the mirror is for; at the trial (don't settle out of court, or the whole thing will go "kerplunk", and you will have a negative Chi curse upon you for 3000 years), have the mirror at your side, and when yuo stadn to present your arguement, quickly flash the mirror at the "Lo-yer" and yell "Judoooooo CHOP!" at the top of your lungs. This will cause teh negatvie chi energy to be released, and will cause the "Lo-yer" to immediately begin yelling "AieAieAieAie!!!" while countering the negative Chi reflection with his own attack. The end result will be that he gets stuck in a time/space continuim loop, at the end of whch he will explode into 100,000 bright sparks. Cach as many of the sparks as you can with the mirror and let them absorb back into the glass. This will impress the counsel so much they should automatically grant you Chi Grandmaster status, which you can them use to open your own school and begin selling "super Secret" chi techniques to pupils seeking the TRUE WAY of the ninja, and unleash your powers upon unsuspecting miscreants worldwide (without evenhaving to leave your living room!!)

Don't steal Judo's students, though; I understand he gets a bit snippy when that happens.

Answer 3

Answering your question I think that you have some good advice for Judomofo, Katana and Frank, not to exclude anyone else of course.

Time and proper meditation.

Answer 4

Tao,

You are in luck.  I actually witnessed your fight because I was "remote viewing" from my home in Michigan.

The bamboo master didnt strike you with a Chi punch, you partially blocked it.  The tooth shaped lacerations are actually from the "flow walk" back in time for Iron Fist training in the Shaolin Temple that you probably don't remember.  During my remote view, I accidentally sent you there as I was trying to help you.  You punching straight down into hot iron pots full of gravel.  

Here is the solution:

1.) Figure out which sword to buy

2.) Figure out long it takes to become a black belt in all styles

Then prepare for a rematch with the yellow bamboo, but under the rules of "The Ancient Way", where your hands are wrapped with rope, then dipped in hot glue, then dipped in broken glass.  No Chi techniques allowed in the rematch.

I will remote view this as well and try to assist, I can only hope I'm not detected.

James

Answer 5

Sorry dude, but this is a load bull ****

Answer 6

very strange....but for any injury like that. Chi healing is simply relaxing and massaging the area whil meditating, thats it. Just dont for get to breath deep in and out, but dont force it.

Answer 7

Only Voodoo is the cure for such a severe chi injury.

Since Voodoo is now recognized by the government of Haiti as a religion, you must go to Haiti for a counter-kiai cure.

To prepare yourself, allow your hair to grow into dreadlocks; bring a good supply of chickens; don't bathe; smoke a bale of gunja; and learn Ebonics.

Seek out a Voodoo priest and allow him to have s*x with you, and that will cure any chi induced ailment.

Answer 8

There are several things you can do , to both hinder the effects of the "chi-punch", and to further improve your martial abilities:

1) Find the "ultimate dojo", and attain a black belt in muay thai, a purple belt in boxing, and a green belt in MMA.

2) Do kata 500 times everyday, this will develop your chi to unimaginable levels.

3) Drink holy water and pray (believers only)

4) Watch as many DVD's as you can (fighting masters), there's much wisdom you can learn.

5) Train in Ninjutsu for a little while, a true grandmaster can help you, and you'll become black level status in less than a month.

6) Become a hermit, and live amongst wild animals, nature will cure your wounds, and increase your chakra.

good luck!

Answer 9

There is not thing that will help you this time except time. However before you spar such an awsome fighter again I recomend that you train at least 8 different styles, including Ninja training. Don't forget that at this point you will have to register your hands as lethal weapons in Florida. you will also need to do many diamond push up's and come on here to ask our opinion about it repeatedly. Also make sure you study the nunchucks, but they must have blades on them.

Or you can do the smart thing and order Judomofo's Chi Enhancement System and no one will ever touch you again. When he yells at you your chi shield will reflect it back at you. This is learned in lesson 1. By lesson 3 you will not even have to be near your opponent, and can use chi to hurl him into the sun. I cannot tell you anything above that because it is a secret society beyond that point, and if I reveal it to you Judomofo will send the midget Ninja's after me, led by their king Bunjiken.

Edit- Oh No not the dreaded Lo-yer. Now there is only one thing to do to save yourself. While the A turn knee may well be one of the most vicous things ever devised, there is a little known counter for it. It is called the Shy-s-ter defense. This is where you simply say to the judge at the chi hearing that the yellow bamboo master assaulted you with his chi and you only did the best you could to defend yoruself. I would state that because of his vicous chi attack, and the loss of your t-y-ping abilities you can no longer earn a living as a cyber ninja, or ask repatedly what style is best in yoru quest, or even god forbid ask for moves to street fight with, that take no actual experience to perform under stress, which will put you in even more danger.

Answer 10

You're lucky to be alive after a battle with a true yellow Bamboo master. Here's what you need to do. It is obvious you chi levels are low, and you wouldn't have the abilities to channel the massive amounts of chi needed to heal yourself. So wearing nothing but some torn pants and a silk shirt walk to the nearest mountain and gather all the bark you can from the oldest tree in the forest. Take a rock (it's got to be an indigenous rock) and kill the strongest hawk on the peak. run down to the babbling brook (no where near the water fall) and gather the water there. Boil the water with the bark and hawk blood. serve the tea to the old man who lives on the mountain. Go back home and wire transfer $2,000 thousand dollars to my Swiss bank account number 1000563252487656  2356. The old man and I will triangulate your position and and reposition the universe to send positive healing energy to you. You will feel better in three to five weeks (depends on how well you're connected to the eternal spirit).