Child problems??? Two part question?

Question

I have a 5 almost 6 year old child that I have become exceedingly concerned about his health because he weighs 5lbs more and is 2 inches taller than my 3year old son. I am also concerned about my 3year olds mental health. My 3year old seems to hate me when he comes back from his fathers, and tells me constantly he wants to be there for the 1st week he returns, yet my 5 year old shows quite a bit of distain towards his father, and says that he doesn't want to go back to see his dad and often cries. My ex shows quite a bit of animosity towards me because I have moved on with my life and he seems to blame me for the indignities in his. He yells at me to the extent to where I hang up on him.(don't know if that is relevant) I am not sure what to think and I am not going to ask my children because I don't want to coerse them and not get a straight answer. I am just majorly concerned about this and don't know what to do. If anyone has gone through this or may have any advice please help me.

Answer 1

take your kids to the dr and get checkups and explain your weight concerns.  Now with the other question, you need to ask your children why they feel the way they do about their dad.  What if they're being abused?  How would you know without asking?  You need to see what's going on at his house.

Answer 2

All children grow at different rates.  You should have some kind of a growth chart that came with your immunization record.  You can see exactly where your child falls on the growth chart.

Your children seem to be opposite.  One prefers the father and the other prefers you.  This is normal.  It is just a change in structure.  Children deal with change better than adults and it is because they express them selves as a way of dealing with it.

Answer 3

Welcome to the world of shared parenting. My oldest is my stepson. We went through all of the same c**p. You need to get the kids into therapy, as well as yourself. Family courts like this and it shows good parenting on your part.  It also helps ease the separation for the boys.Do not feed into the hype they come home with. Do not fight with him in front of them. They cannot give you any answers because they are little, confused, torn and hurting. So all you can do is be understanding. They just want you 2 back together in their minds. One thing that worked for us when he was little was a bath as soon as he came home for about 20 minutes, semi alone(door open, us just out of sight) to reset himself. Afterwards, he would be more calm and could talk to us about his visit. Don't be surprised if they begin or continue to wet the bed or themselves during the day for a while. Mine did, and the therapist said it was just stress. The day accidents went away after a few months, bedwetting lasted for several years. It will be difficult, but patience and love will make them closer to you than continuing the endless fighting. Imagine what they have to listen to while they are there about you. All of this is out of your control. However, you can set down rules for your house now(remember how young they are) and make sure they do not pertain to him, just you and their house with you. Bedtime stories help greatly, nighttime is when they remember their worst memories of the visit it seems. They may crawl into your bed later in the night, this is o.k., but they must fall asleep in their own bed as much as possible. Don't scold or punish them for peeing in bed( even if it's yours) they cannot help it. Goodnights will help this.

Answer 4

Hi,

i like the first two answers.

definitely ask the doctor about your child's weight, keep track of his diet so you can show the doctor - and be honest.

definitely talk to your children, but, if there is abuse going on, you may want to have a professional do it for you - just in case.  then the therapist can make some determinations without coercing them, and can help you with figuring out what needs to be done about it.

i really think that the psychological aspects need to be addressed, there is always the possibility of abuse - i don't want to alarm you or overreact, but the symptoms could be construed as abuse.  the role playing thing with a professional will probably be expensive, but isn't knowing your children are safe priceless?

there probably are lower cost options out there, maybe a police station would have references, or the child welfare department.

please do it soon, if not simply for your own peace of mind should there be no abuse going on.  but if there is, you need to know, and know NOW.

Best Wishes

Answer 5

As far as the size of your child I would not be concerned unless the doctor gives you reason to be.  For the second question, it sounds like your ex has been talking you down to the kids.  The oldest probably has figured it out but the youngest hasn't.  My sister and I went through this very same thing.  She did not like going to my dad's house but I loved and never wanted to leave.  I would get so upset with my mom for this.  If I were you I would talk to a family therapist and possibly your son as well.  They can offer advise on how to "reprogram" when they do come back from their dad's.  Good luck I know I put my mom through too much on this note.

Answer 6

If you're so concered about your children's weight then take them to the doctor.  

As for the other problem.  It's obvious they get away with more at dad's.  They don't "Hate" you it's just that you and dad have different rules and they are confused.  They don't know HOW to behave because probably when they behave one way they get h**l from you then when they go to their dad's they get h**l for being like YOU want them to be.  This is NOT their fault, this is the fault of you and their father and until the two of you can put YOUR differences aside and sit down and discuss the behavior of your children and how they are to be raised you will continue to have problems.

Answer 7

Well my son is 7 and he is just now hitting the 50lb mark.  If you're concerned about your sons health, you should check with his Pediatrician to make sure he is on track.  As for your 3 year olds behavior, I would say that its pretty normal.  Kids who are in shared custody lifestyle often feel confused about when and with which parent they should feel happy.  At 3 years old I'm sure it's extremely confusing for him.  When he's with you he misses daddy, but who knows how much he's missing you when he's with his dad.  I'm certainly not lecturing you, but I do think it's you and your ex's responsibility to fix this.  You guys chose to break up your marriage, but your 3 year old had no say in the matter.  It's your job now to make his life as  secure as possible.  If your ex isn't on board with that, then you're obligated to do something about it.

Answer 8

I had a client that this happen to, so we did this we played a game with the kids I let them be mom and dad. The role playing seem to be just what he needed to find out what mom was up to she would spank a lot and was also getting drunk, While the kids pretended with each other to be mom and dad I also found out that dad didn't have enough time to spend with the kids because of work and often break promises. This was a way to help both of them with there parenting skills. Now when she needs to spend time with her friends he comes and gets the kids while if he has to work the nanny can drop them at mom's house.  Good Luck!

Answer 9

for the first thing go and see a doctor. Second, your youngest son probably acts like that because your exhusband is saying bad things about you to him. Your older son loves you and is angry at his father for even saying that. Hope I help!