Childcare Co-Op: Exactly how would this work in a neighborhood?

Question

I live in a neighborhood rich children... THERE ARE LOTS OF KIDDOS HERE. Each family has at least one child.. most cases, there are two, but a number of HH's have 3 children. Ages range from newborn up to 13 years old. I have a 6 mos old as of Tu 8/19. I have asked a neighbor one time to "stay" with my daughter while she was asleep so I could pick up my pet from the vet. I was gone 40 min at the most. My daughter was alseep the ENTIRE time as it was early in the morning. This same neighbor had me watch her three children (where one was a sleep most of the time) about 2 weeks later for 2 hours one afternoon. I helped each do her homework and by the time the mom (my neighborh) was home, both of her elementary age children had their homework completed. Three days later, I asked this same person if she could watch my daughter from 7:30pm until about 9 or 9:30pm on a weeknight so I could attend a home owner's association meeting, and she said "no, I'm too overwhelmed with school starting back.." and then she gave me a list of babysitters to call. I seriously could not believe it. Now granted, I did ask her to watch my six month old during a critical time of day for moms (for those without children, let me explain, from about 3pm until 8 or 9pm each weeknight is when a stay at home mom is really working) so I completely would understand IF my daughter were up during this time, but my daughter would arrive bathed and by the time 8:30pm rolled around she would be fast asleep after her last bottle of the day. So, we are talking about "maybe' an hour of my neighbors time to give up which I think is fair to ask consdiering I kept her three children (ages 2, 6 and 8) for two hours 3pm to 5:30pm. Furthermore, my husband travels Mon-Fri so it's just me and my daughter each night, and this particular neighbor is always saying, "Oh, anytime you need me, please let me know, and I will help you." Famous words, right? Well, I am VERY upset b/c this particular neighbor and her husband have three children who, in my opinion, will be the terror of the nighborhood as they grow older (very demonstrative children). And this neighbor is the one that is ALWAYS bitching about "this or that" with the neighborhood yet she offers nothing back to it. She is always complimenting me on how "amazing i am" for being on the board and having a newborn (well, no longer a newborn, but an infant now)... and here is an opportunity for her to "give" indirectly, per se. Seriously, I need help so badly, and I refuse to pay childcare to attend a Board meeting when I live in a neighborhood so abundant with kids and so few who "pitch" into help.

So the detial is intense. But my qustion is this: Am I asking too much? Am I in the wrong? How does childcare trade work? Also, is it "time for time" in childcare trade OR is it more like "quantity in chilcare is what matters? I have lots of quesitons here but maybe someone can just share your honest opinion on how to approach this woman or anyone who asks me to keep her children but never available to watch mine. Help.

Answer 1

she doesn't sound like a nice woman at all and i would try and stay away from her. obviously, be nice and say hello and things but don't go further. i'm not sure if she owes you or not but she sounds like a right pain in the ar se. if there are that many families around, why don't you find someone nicer? it doesn't have to be this particular woman.

Answer 2

Well next time she asks you to watch her kids say no.

Don't ask her to mind yours again either.

Trading childcare is OK if you are very good friends with the other person. Obviously this isn't the case otherwise you would have been able to discuss this matter with her.

Answer 3

You've just learned the first lesson about child care swapping...don't do it.  Unless you have a very good friend with whom you can say anything, don't even get involved in any kind of child care trading.  I say this because it will never be "fair" according to both parties.  Someone always has to give a little more.  Especially if you only have one child and she has three.  To make that fair, she would have to watch your child for 9 hours to make up for the three you watch hers.  As anyone knows, nine hours is almost impossible to give up; ESPECIALLY with three kids.

So my advice is to HIRE a babysitter, or do what so many of us do...don't go.

My husband is deployed (for the fifth time) and I learned a long time ago that  "Let me know if you need anything" is just a bunch of words.  I never call anyone for help anymore and no one actually 'forces' their help on me either so I know they just say what they think they should.  There are just one or two people out of the 50 I've heard say this that I know will help , but most only say it because they think they should.

Anyway, let it go, chalk it up to a learning experience and find your self a responsible babysitter to hire.

Answer 4

did you watch her children just so she would watch yours back? yes, with all due respect i think you are asking too much IN THIS PARTICULAR OCCASION. at least she gave you a list of babysitters that she has most likely used and whom she most likely trusts.as a mum of one, you should be able to understand how sometimes it can be so overwhelming. imagine with three? and your child is not in school, so there maybe tiring issues to do with kids going back to school that you just haven't had the need to think or know about. please don't think i am being mean to you, just giving my opinion as you asked of me. you don't have to listen to it, but i think you should consider helping this lady out rather than being mad at her. is she your friend, or just an acquaintance? i acknowledge that you took brilliant care of her kids, helping them with their homework, i think that was really good of you. but when you do someone a FAVOUR it means you expect nothing in return. if they are kind and respectful enough to offer a thanks or a form of repayment then that's good, but if not, well that's their choice. if your really cut up about it, just don't do her a favour again...  

Answer 5

I think you are making too big of a deal out of this.  She couldn't do it that particular time it doesn't mean she wouldn't watch your child another time.  I think she was very helpful in giving you other numbers to call.  Bedtime is a difficult time of the day and if her kids are a handful already (as you alluded to) it may be a very difficult for her to get them all in bed.  Sounds like you may have counted your chicks before they hatched.  If it were me I would give her another chance to see if she would watch your kid(s) again.  If she says no then you have your answer.  

Have you two decided you were going to do a child care swap or co-op?  I mean have you used those words with her?  If not she may just be being neighborly and not realize that you expect childcare in return.  These things can be kinda sticky and open communication is the key.  I have a good friend whose kids I watch for pay one day a week.  I charge her a reduced rate and she watches my youngest daughter twice a month for free in return.  We also "trade" childcare twice a month.  We keep their kids so they can go on a date and they keep ours so we can go out.  It works well for us because we are able to talk about our expectations.  There have been times when I have not been able to keep her kids because of things we had going on and vice versa.  I also have a neighbor who we have playdates with. It's been real informal, sometimes her kids are here more in a given week and other times mine are down there more. I have another friend and we trade care with our youngest girls so we can work in the classrooms of our oldest kids and we have a set schedule of who is going keep the kids when. Different things work for different people/situations.  Sounds like you need to talk to her about expectations, to have hurt feelings just because she couldn't help you sounds a little petty, honestly.  I admire her for saying no when it just wouldn't work for her and suggest you guys have a talk.  Good luck getting it worked out.  

Answer 6

So, she obviously is not a friend you need.

The refusal to pay when there should be someone willing to "pitch" in is a little unreasonable. Only because you can't make these people care. You can only worry about yourself. Yes, it may irk the h**l out of you, but the choice is yours alone.

I do trade as well, and only trade child for child ( I trade with someone with 1 child). If they are unavailable to watch yours, replace them, just because it needs to be reciprocal, not because anyone is right or wrong. It won't work if one feels put upon, or wants more.

I do think that it does need to be balanced out. So time and quantity should be pretty close to even for both sides.

It doesn't seem to be that way for you, maybe trade with someone outside the neighbourhood (that's how it's spelled here)? It is sure to be less frustrating for you.

Answer 7

Well you cant talk anyone into watching your children., If someone doesn't want to do it, you need to just leave it at that. I know as a mum also, that there are times where I wouldn't want to babysit my friends kids. She did the right thing by saying no, but then giving you a list of numbers. I'd be giving the few numbers a call, explain the situation your in, and maybe one can offer a better deal for you.