Christmas Cards and messages to birth moms?

Question

I have a friend that adopted a child last year. The adoption isn't final until next month. She says that she is afraid to send a Christmas Card or pictuires to the birth mom, because she is afraid that she will see how beautiful the child is and want her back. They are not required to send anything to the birthmom, but they really want to let her know that the child is OK. Does anyone have any advice?

Answer 1

so, mothers only want to parent babies that are cute?  wow, if that's the case, i should give up my little snotty-nosed kid with the wild, unkept hair with spaghetti sauce in it...

ok, seriously. if they are concerned about the mother wanting her child back, then perhaps they should have given her the chance to parent in the first place.  besides, wouldn't they want to make sure that the b/f/n-mother is sound in her decision to not parent?  

this birthmother fear is sicking!

regarding the card.  i do think they should sent the card and the pics.  i mean, d**n, they got the kid, all she's getting is a picture.

also, please let them know that unless the revocation period has not elapsed, no judge will return the baby just because the f-mom thinks s/he's cute.

there's a word for that...it's called paranoia.

Answer 2

Yeh, let them send cards, it shows some sympathy and compassion

Answer 3

It's actually the exact opposite. We have an open adoption with our son's natural mother. The more we stay in contact with her, the more she feels secure in her decision. Our son is jsut about the cutest baby I've ever seen and trust me, I'm not being partial. I can't go anywhere without many, many people stopping me to oohh and aahhh at my son. This does not make her desire to take him back. It makes her very proud to know that she created such a beautiful child. He has huge chubby cheeks and two big dimples. The more they alienate the natural mother, the more she will resent her decision. My son's natural mother loves to see him with his dad. It makes her so happy to know that he has a great father that loves him more than life itself. I would reccommend that she send pictures.

Answer 4

They should send it. The birth mom is hurting im sure. It could make things worse. I doubt it though. She should see her baby it could make it easier too.

Answer 5

We send a letter every year to our daughter's birth mom.  (This will be the 7th year.)  

When we were waiting in a room bouncing off the walls in anticipation for the moment that our daughter would be brought to us by her birthmom, we were sobered by the knowledge that there was a woman in the next room who'd given life to this child and had just gone through the pain of delivering a baby into the world, but without the knowledge that she would ever see her again.  We asked our case worker how we should behave around her birthmom stating that we wanted to show empathy to her pain.  We were given the best advice: "Let her see your joy.  She needs to see what a difference she has made in your lives to get her through the tough days ahead."

We have kept that in mind in all our contact (only through letters - we sent pictures to age three) with her.  It is scary to think that a mind can be changed, (I refused to buy more than one package of diapers for months, for fear that this was not real!)

When we write to our daughter's birthmom, we highlight our year, some of the good and some of the struggles that our daughter has, our happiness and gratitude.  By showing her that we are a solid family through thick and thin, I feel we are giving her a window into our daughter's life, and confirming her choice to make an adoption plan.

It is an interesting and difficult thing to do sometimes, but I feel that we have all been blessed by testifying to the joy that the adoption has brought to us.

If your friend has concerns about the possible reversal of placement, perhaps she can contact her caseworker and check on how the birthmom is doing.  We have been told, no news is good news, and she's dong great.  If anything just expressing these fears to someone can help a lot!

I hope that helps a little bit . . .

Answer 6

If their heart is true - and they are compassionate people - they will send a card and pics - and if she changes her mind - which she has every right to do before finalization - they will help mother and child to reunite.

If she does not change her mind - I hope they will continue being compassionate - and keep communication open - as that is what is best for the adoptee.

You may think this to be rather blunt - but if a mother truly does want to parent - no one should stand in her way - no matter the pain on others. It is in the best interests of the mother and the child.

Answer 7

They should send it.  I am a bmom that is/was very sure in my decision but pictures and card would have been nice to have.  The only pictures I have are from my nursery visit I had when he was 5 days old and they are blurry.  I never ever wanted to change my mind and  that would have been very thoughtful and sweet.

Answer 8

Despite all the criticism of this couple, it is a natural fear, but one they need to overcome.  They should send the card and pictures.  The birthmother deserves them and it is also absolutely the right thing to do to make sure that the birthmother is confident in her decision.  Cowboy fan is right that it may even help to make her more confident in her decision.  Also, if she does relinquish, please convey to this couple how important it is to keep the connection open.