Chuck Norris Jokes. Share your best.

Question

Chuck Norris Jokes. Share your best.

Answer 1

Some really good ones here!!!

A long, long, time ago, a young boy asked Chuck Norris if he could kill two birds with one stone....

Chuck picked up a stone and threw it....

a. Today we call it the Moon.

b. That is why Petrodactyls no longer exist.  A single rock wiped them all out.

c. As a result, the Dodo bird is extinct.  One rock got them all.

d. All of the above.

Answer 2

when chuck norris swallows a rubik's cube, he poops it solved

Answer 3

Behind Chuck Norris' beard, there is no chin. Only another fist.

Every night the bogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlite, not because he's afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is sueing the Bubble Tape company for stealing the tagline for his p***s, "Six Feet Of Fun"

Chuck Norris doesn't "read" books. He stares them down until he get the information he wants.

Chuck Norris invented the ceserean section when he roundhouse kicked his way out of his mother's woum.

Everytime you m********e, Chuck Norris punches a small Mexican baby.

The reason for Chuck Norris' red hair is because he soaks himself in the blood of his victims.

Chuck Norris had the idea to can his sweat. This drink is now called Red Bull.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris was once having s*x in a trailer-tractor, and some of his sperm escaped into the engine. This trailer-tractor is now called Optimus Prime.

This one time, at Band Camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

Chuck Norris has no pubic hair, because hair doesn't grow on steel.

Some people wear Superman pyjamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.

Chuck Norris invented water.

If you have 5 dollars and Chuck Norris has 5 dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris doesn't use the Periodic Table, because he only reconizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a "CTRL" button, because Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris had allowed to live.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity...twice.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that cuts Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

When taking the SAT, simply write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Chuck Norris doesn't "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris doesn't play God. Playing is for children.

God said "Let there be light!" and Chuck Norris said "Say please."

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders. Ever.

Ozzy Osborne bites the heads of bats. Chuck Norris bite the heads of Siberian Tigers.

Some people pee their name into snow. Chuck Norris pees his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child, the bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris had the job of a paperboy when he was a kid. There were no survivors.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris refers to him as "a Promising Rookie."

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. He chews Tin Foil.

Some people ask for a tissue when they sneeze. Chuck Norris asks for a bodybag.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has his own line at the DMV.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

"Godzilla" is the Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

I'll add more if I think of them...

Answer 4

Superman wears Chuck Norris Underoos.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups he doesn't lift himself up, he pushes the world down.

Answer 5

Chuck Norris can do all the fatalities in Mortal Kombat.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot *** kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having s*x with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The h**l was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

Chuck Norris was originally in the Star Wars Movies...but it was then called Skywalker: Texas Ranger