Claiming my Children as My Own?

Question

The Question:

Why do some people view it wrong for an Adoptive Parent to Claim their adopted child as their Own?

As the mother of four children two biological and two adopted I have found there are a number of people who seem to feel I violate the 'rights' of my adopted children when I claim them as my Own.

I have heard all the nasty statements about this sounding as if I somehow think my adopted children are possessions... Yet I have never once heard this in regard to my biological children.

One Argument: My children have another Mother.

Yes, they do they have another mother--and my older ones have a step-mother and are about to have mothers-in-law too--big deal!

The implications to offenses taken when I claim my adopted children as my OWN is that I should treat them differently then the ones I gave birth...

Would that be wise?

My children have pictures, information and stories about their genetic roots my claiming them as my children does not change a thing.

Answer 1

My thought is this....if I didn't say that my son was MY son, then I'd be accused of treating him differently just because he was adopted, and then I'd be crucified for that.  While I agree that people are not possessions, I refer to my parents as MY parents and no one sees any issue with that.  But when I call my son MY son here in Y!A, I get thumbs down and rude comments.  

When it comes down to things, as long as my family is fine with how we do things, then that is who I answer to.  He is our son - and we do not love him any less because he was adopted.  I would lay down my life for my son if I had to.  If someone feels that I'm wrong, that's their opinion - not mine.  : )

Answer 2

Someone nasty must have done something toyou to have you ask this. Let me be very clear. YOU are right, and they are absolutely wrong. They are your children, and I think it's horrible when parents differentiate between biological and adopted children. You are handling your situation so that all of your children are just that. No one is a second class citizen.

Answer 3

I think you are right that it's not wrong to claim your children as "your own".  In fact, it is important to "claim" your children to be able to parent effectively.  However, your children being "your own" can't mean that that excludes that they are also their other parents "own" child as well.

Answer 4

i think you are completely right to claim them as your own. they ARE yours.. i certainly hope that who ever said you were wrong to doesn't expect the person who gave them up  to claim them. any ole woman can give birth to a child, but a REAL MOTHER CAN GIVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO A CHILD AND CARE THE CHILD THE BEST WAY THEY KOW HOW. it doesn't matter whose womb they came from, as long as you love them and  you feel that child as your own thats all that should matter.

Answer 5

happymom.....I follow what your saying and do not give it a second thought. It's just nonsense to think any child is a possession

I may claim my dd on my taxes.....but she claims me every time she says "I love you, mommy!!!"

Answer 6

I don't think that is worng.  who gives brith to a child and who cares for them is two differnt things. You can give birth and not care just like you can take care of the child and not give birth to one.  A mother is some one who takes care of you and loves you. She comforts you when you are scared or sad and makes you laugh and maybe even cry sometimes. She is there when you are sick but pushes you to try your best when you are not. if some one is syaing you shoudl treat teh adoptive kids differntly they are worng. They were given to you to rasie so they woudl have a home if they call you mom and you cliam them then i think you are right and they are wrong.

Answer 7

Of course they are your children but you did say this in reference to birth parents:

Quote: "OTHER people do not have the right to claim, contact or bother OUR Children and once adopted we are the parents..."

So within that context it's not difficult to see why people might interpret this as you claiming ownership and having little respect for your child's origins.

Glad to hear your kids have information about their roots, that's really cool

Answer 8

Well once you have adopted them then they are your children. I was adopted and had a bad childhood with parents that were very abusive but I am glad to hear of adoptees who have had good childhoods and parents who adopt children with only love in their hearts. It is a hard topic as so many people have very different and strong views on this. I would love to know more about my birth mother but that is all she is to me. She gave birth to me but didn't raise me. My mother did that however awful she may have been when I was  child. Although now as an adult and having 5 children of my own she is trying to mend things between us. My father committed suicide when I was 12yrs old. And how true about step mums and mother - in - laws.  :)

Answer 9

I don't think its wrong for adoptive parents to claim a child as their "own" they are the legal parents. However, the problem I see with you claiming them as your own was in this question:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

The context in which you put the 'OUR' in was terribly dismissive of the father wanting to see his child, that was promised to have a relationship with her.

you said:

If the child has been adopted then it's exactly the same as a stranger coming along and claiming someone else's child as their own.

and you also said:

I would also get a restraining order today if possible and have it served....

OTHER people do not have the right to claim, contact or bother OUR Children and once adopted we are the parents...

************************

He was promised an open adoption, he wasn't around for a while and he should have been and then showed an interest in having a relationship with his daughter. It was supposed to be an open adoption ( this is the problem with open adoptions they're not legally enforcable ) and what you said in reply to that was HARSH, RUDE, and assuming he's not a threat to the child ( because the original poster said she would let him take her daughter to the park so one would assume he's not a threat ) then there is NO REASON FOR A RESTRAINING ORDER. You belittled him as a father figure followed by claiming the child after adoption as OURS, not THEIRS, when infact adoptees have 2 sets of parents. We may not like one set depending on their influence in our lives, but they're still a part of us. You dismissed him like he was a parasite.

Its not about adoptive parents saying the adoptees are "their" children because they are, its about dismissing the other parents( good or not) as well.

Answer 10

ditto to what Erin said, very well put.

Answer 11

I respect & understood every word you said.  Well put!

Answer 12

hey my answer is short,i believe that if you adopted and love them then their your children period and you can call them whatever you want,when you introduce them to someone you say theses are my children,YOU DONT SAY THESE ARE SOMEONE ELSE KIDS I JUST ADOPTED THEM....RIGHT.

Answer 13

You can claim all you want to claim.

As an adoptee - I say that I have two mothers.

Neither is more important than the other.

They both are very important to me - in many different ways.

And all adoptees should be allowed to say so - if they so wish.

Many adoptees are too scared to claim that they have two - as they don't want to upset one or the other.

Too often - adoptees are just caught in the middle.

Too often made to be loyal to one or the other.

Too often trying to make everyone happy.

Children don't ask to be thrown around like a rag doll.

They find themselves in such situations because adults make the decisions for them.

My opinion - adults should be respectful to the adoptee and allow them to make up their own mind.

Just my honest opinion.

It really doesn't need to be a 'who's the best' competition.

To me - such statements just shout out as wanting to be the controlling and winning member.

It's a competition that an adoptee does not need to be a part of - they have enough to deal with.

Answer 14

You are right.  Parents only have rights if they have responsibilities.  You can't get one without the other.  If you take the responsibilities then you are the parent, and that child is "yours" in the sense that ANY child is "yours".  After all, it's not like you OWN any of your children.  We all know that baby selling is illegal, and if you can't sell it, you can't really own it either, can you?

I mean, I refer to the school I went to as "my school" but I doubt anyone has EVER thought I meant I owned it.  I often here people saying things like "oh, my ride is here" or "My bus is here"...  but those people usually don't own the cars they are riding in, and certainly don't own the city busses.  

You are perfectly within your rights to call them "our children" and also within your rights to say that the children are NOT "his" any longer.  If he isn't acting like a father, then he doesn't have any kids.