Clearly different looking kid noticing.?

Question

Okay my cousin had a bad spell and marital problems about seven years ago where she would go out and have one night stands with different guys. She now has a six year old boy who is biracial. He looks enough like her that it is not completely obvious but it is clear that his skin is tan where his brother and sister are blonde and blue eyed. He is very cute and his hair is curly but not nappy.

However he is starting to describe his skin as tan. My cousin and her husband (who has raised him as his own -- in fact the boy is closer to his dad than his mom) have explained to others that since for one thing the husband has rumors of Native American ancestry and for another thing my uncle was adopted so we cannot know his ancestry either that everyone should shut up.

They have (except quietly behind her back unfortunately) but since her boy has noticed he is different from the rest of the family should they tell him anything? He is so little and I do not think he would understand.

Answer 1

Leave it up to the parents to tell. At 6 years old he would understand the basics of it. Just say you have another daddy too and he had dark skin, but ___ is your daddy now and he loves you very much.

Answer 2

they should tell him now and conntact his real dad !!

Answer 3

This is a very tough situation, but I do think that the parents should most definitely be the ones to tell him about this and they should tell him soon. Mostly because if he doesn't hear it from them he may hear it from someone else (maybe kids at school) and that can not only confuse him but may also upset him, because i'm sure you know kids can be very mean. They also need to make him completely aware of the fact that it is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. And you say he is six years old, so I do not believe he will have any problem understanding this, six year olds (especially these days) are very aware and have the capabilities of understanding alot more than you would think, I have one myself and she never ceases to amaze me. And as far as you, it is probably best if you just leave it to the parents to handle this, unless they personally ask for your opinion, because otherwise that may just cause friction between the both of you and thats never a good thing either. So all in all it sounds like he has a perfectly normal family and childhood and I like to believe that his parents will make the right decision and do what they think is best for him. Wish you all the best.

Answer 4

let the parents decide what to do

Answer 5

I think that it would be a lot more harmful to the child if he is lied to and later in life he obviously finds out for himself, feeling contempt towards his parents because of it. Maybe a slow approach would be more productive. For example have him know that his dad is his father from the heart, and also having a counselor help out to aliviate things wouldnt be a bad idea.

Answer 6

I think that is something they should discuss among themselves...it's really none of anyone elses business...when they decide to deal with it they will so the family should really butt out...you can tell they are getting very defencive about the whole subject..don't make things worse.

Answer 7

It would be better to hear from his mommy and daddy than to be upset by "Aunt Margaret" making an insinuation.

I have a friend who is biracial due to a similar situation to your cousin's son.  She is in her early 40's & was raised by her white stepdad and mother.  She still isn't sure who her biological father is.

She grew up in a small, predominately white area of the country and  has been discriminated against for her looks, and people ask her if she's "Indian".  She's learned how to deal with it over the years.  

I think the parents should explain that they love the child and that he will always be their son, but that he has another father who doesn't live at his house.

If there is a picture of the man or something to give him a feeling of being connected to his biological dad, in a positive way, that would be helpful.  Always let the child ask questions,  be calm and reassuring to him, letting him know that he belongs with his family and that he is loved.  

Try to answer him honestly without giving too much detail, considering  his age, attention span and ability to understand.

My friend has an ache in her heart and  wishes she knew who her biological father is.  

Also, it might be necessary for a child to know at some point, for purely medical reasons.

Answer 8

Personally, I think the parents should be honest with the kid. If he's old enough to realize that he looks different, and old enough to notice when other people look at him as though he's different, then I think he has a right to know why. That doesn't mean they have to tell the kid that Mommy had a promiscuity problem, but he's going to find out eventually anyway. He should be taught to embrace himself and trying to keep it under wraps just teaches the child shame.

Answer 9

Is he really not the dad?

My husband is Italian and my oldest daughter is tan and gets quite dark in the summer just like her father. Her sister how ever if very fair skinned just like me. And my youngest had very curly what I would call nappy hair and she is as white as can be, and I guarantee you both of  them are their fathers. Things can skip generations, I have no idea where her curly hair came from, I had curly hair as a child but nothing like hers. It has bothered my oldest before that she is dark and her sister and I are not, we just used it as a time to explain that every color is beautiful, dark and light and in between. There is a great book called "the Colors Of Us" my kids and I loved it before her tan skin even bothered her.

Bottom line it is the mom or dad's place to tell him not the family, that is most definitely crossing a line.

I would advise your cousin to tell him, my step sister never did and a family idiot told her daughter, she was heart broken, I could still kick him for that. She is ok now but it should be something to come from the parent. I would also advise getting the book and sharing stories like mine, that even though they have the same dad they have different colored skin and that all skin is beautiful.