Clingy child?

Question

my bf's daughter has alot of emotional problems. she is in therapy but wont talk to therapist. we give him info. she has been throuh 3 so far.

anyways she is too clingy. after bedtime she sits outside my bedroom door andd cries. she has woken up my daughter (1) many nihts. she wants to sleep with me. my bf is at work all night. i cant take the clingyness. it has been going on 3 years.

before bedtime, we do many things. after school she plays with her friends till dinner. she helps me make dinner, we go for walks with the baby, we play a board game every night before bed and then we read at bedtime. so i think she ets enough attention. on the weekends she wil either do something just her and dad, or we do things as a family.

how do i get her to leave me alone at bedtime? me and bf never spend time together as adults cause of this.

Answer 1

Prin has the right answer.  If the girl is fine all day and outside playing, then she can be away from you guys when she is comfortable.  If you let her sleep with you, it could build up a nighttime anxiety of separation.  You have to break the cycle -- not feed into it---  

I was a single mom for a long time.  And my child always slept with me... but because I was alone I didn't mind.  I know better now.  When I moved in with a new fiance it was too hard to break the cycle, but we did it.

There's alot of counseling answers and I disagree.  I think that if your bf is asking you to sleep with her sometimes and other times you say no, then that is your problem.  She doesn't know where bedtime stands.  YOU are the nighttime care giver and an adult, therefore you should be able to make the decision to sleep without a child in your bed.  

Just like Prin said - kindly but firmly put her back in her bed all the time, every night, and keep it up.  Keep reminding her that she is getting too big to sleep with you guys.

Then explain to your bf that if this coparenting is gonna work you need his support sometimes too on issues like this.  It may be hard for him to let go a bit, he was used to doing it differently, but I hope you get his support in the long run.

Answer 2

You sound incredibly stressed....your step daughter sounds like she's going through a rough time. Don't call the cops on her...that is too easy of a solution and its not going to do any good.

Someone else mentioned separation anxiety...I would go with that. Maybe you could talk to her therapist and get some tips on how to talk to her, she seems to want to be close to you, maybe she'll open up.

You sound like you spend a lot of quality time with her but what about affection? Cuddling, hugs, rubbing her head, telling her she's loved...you might think she's too old, but I don't think that can ever be the case....

Good luck.

Answer 3

You should definitely look into providing a third caregiver, at least part time.  A grandma, a friend, someone she's known a while and knows she won't be hurt by.  It won't help the clinginess right away, but it will give you sanity time.

After a while, like my child, who has pdd-nos (an autistic spectrum disorder) she may come to make an attachment (hers is her Head Start teacher) and begin to welcome this third person.  It has to be someone she can see very regularly.  I would suggest paying.  It will be crazy at first, but she may begin to look forward to someone with time for "just her."

Answer 4

It's very normal for children to not want to sleep in their own bed. What this child needs to learn is that she must sleep in her own bed, and that you will not accept her getting out of bed at night.

When you put her to bed, tell her that she is to stay there. If she does not stay in bed, give her a smack and put her back into bed. Continue to do this until she learns that she must stay in bed.

If you do not believe in smacking, then simply put her back into bed with a firm word and no eye contact. Show her that it is unnacceptable not to sleep in her own bed. It might take some time and perseverance, but she will learn it.

Answer 5

She has separation anxiety i think.

The councellor should be giving you a few more results or insight.

Where is her mother?

She has woken your daughter up twice, and if you dont like her, the girl and ur bf come as a package i assume, so then i guess you should leave.

Answer 6

Sounds to be like she's suffering from seperation anxiety. Has she ever had anyone significant walk out on her life, is she close to her biological mother? Anyways there is a root to this problem, and it's got to be dealt with. Is there someone who she trusts and is comfortable confiding in? Anyways put a nightlite in her room, that way she won't have to sleep in the dark. Also buy her a big stuffed animal, that way she can cuddle with it at night, without disturbing you and your boyfriend. Do not let her sleep in the same bed with you, because once she's in there, she won't leave, and it will be a bad habit to break.

Answer 7

I understand what u are going thru.It's hard to keep your sanity when u have a screaming baby and another child that isn't listening.Maybe she needs Xtra attention? For her sake and yours I feel she needs to sleep in the bed with you .Maybe she had a bad dream, maybe she misses daddy when he is gone ,maybe she doesn't feel safe without "big protective daddy "' It's not right that you let her cry outside your door> meaning it's closed, Is it locked also? Imagine how alone she feels. thats why she crys at night like that how would u feel?

You need to go to her rock her cuddle her sing or whateveru feel she needs to help her sleep. When she finally goes to sleep, that's YOU time Goodluck and don't think somuch of your self!