College English Paper Revision Help Only 1 Page?

Question

Could anyone help me revise my paper, make some changes, find grammatical errors. The assignment was to write a one page paper on myself, why i chose this university, where i'm from, my hobbies, etc... Help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks alot.

As a freshmen to college I find myself waking up every night in a pool of sweat from the nightmare of climbing the biggest, tallest mountain in the world “Homework Mountain.” It’s constructed of piles of chemistry, biology, English, labs, and math homework. Eighteen years ago, on the unlucky day of Friday the thirteenth, I was given the name Taylor Young after my great grandfather. Even though I’ve completed eighteen years year of my life and a large part of my education I’m always learning new things about who I am as a person. I’ve been through a lot of good and bad experiences that have shaped my identity creating my individuality as one person.

I was born and raised for the first year of my life in Gastonia, North Carolina which I have no recollection of. At age one I moved to another North Carolina city by the name of Hickory, an hour away from my hometown. At age 4 my parents divorced changing my life drastically. I was in for an emotional roller coaster as my parents both went through two additional divorces. New people entered my life and would unexpectedly vanish after I had already developed an emotional attachment to this stepmother or stepfather. Divorces alone have really altered my personal views and have had a tremendous impact on my emotional feelings towards other people. My hobbies today include hanging out with friends, driving fast cars, hunting, and anything that involves an insane adrenaline rush. In many aspects I’m just your average teenager but I do have my unique characteristics and habits.

I received two letters of acceptance to college from Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina, and East Carolina University in Greenville, North Carolina. The day I proclaimed I would commit to East Carolina University was the day my father announced he was retiring and moving to Boone. For me, part of going off to college was to get away from home and my parents, not move closer. Ultimately my decision resulted as an effect of my father’s decision. Now that I am in my new home at East Carolina I wouldn’t trade my decision for anything. Now all I can do is wait and see what the upcoming years have in stock for me as I travel down the narrow road to medical school.

Answer 1

I will help you fix the grammar in these first two sentences as well in case you REALLY want to leave them in, but I do think they would be better left out. The dream seems out of place, messing up the flow of the paper, and is kind of irrelevant to the point you are trying to make. I will make grammar corrections as they are in the paper though. Any other suggestions I will mention afterward.

As a freshman in college, I find myself waking up every night in a pool of sweat because of a nightmare that I'm climbing the biggest, tallest mountain in the world, "Homework Mountain." This mountain is consisted of huge piles of chemistry, biology, English, math, and lab homework. Eighteen years ago, I was born in Gastonia, North Carolina, on the unlucky day of Friday the 13th. I was given the name Tyler Young, after my great grandfather. Even though I have completed eighteen years of my life, and a large part of my education, I am always learning new things about who I am as a person. I have been through a lot of good and bad experiences that have shaped my identity and individuality.

When I was one, my family moved to Hickory, North Carolina, and at age four my parents divorced, changing my life drastically. I was in for an emotional roller coaster as both of my parents went though two additional divorces. New people would enter my life and then unexpectedly vanish after I had developed an emotional attachment to this stepparent. Divorces alone have really altered my personal views and have had a tremendous impact on my emotional feelings towards other people. In many aspects, I am just your average teenager, but I do have unique characteristics and habits. Currently, my hobbies include hanging out with friends, driving fast cars, hunting, and anything that involves an insane adrenaline rush.

During my college search, I received two letters of acceptance to universities in North Carolina, one from Appalachian State in Boone, and one from East Carolina in Greenville. The day I proclaimed I would commit to East Carolina University was the day my father announced he was retiring and moving to Boone. For me, part of going to college was to get away from home and my parents, not move closer. Ultimately, my decision was an effect of my father's decision. Now that I am in my new home at East Carolina, I would not trade my decision for anything. Now all I can do is wait and see what the upcoming years have in stock for me as I travel down the narrow road to medical school.

Okay, I went through and made grammatical corrections as well as altered a few sentences to make the paragraphs flow easier. Any words that were removed weren't necessary to get the point across and created a bump in the flow. Once you read it, you will agree. One tip I have for you is to try to avoid apostrophies except when refering to possession. For instance, "that's" should always written as "that is" in a formal writing. Also, do whatever you can to try to keep from repeating words too much. You see how I reworded the sentence about the acceptance letters. It keep you from saying University and North Carolina so much. Also, I switched the two sentences at the end of the second paragraph about your hobbies because just jumping straight into your hobbies after the divorce just seemed like you ran into a brick wall. Moving it after the characteristics sentence allowed it to fall in easier. I also added the "during my college search" to the beginning of the last paragraph, because it did not transition easily without it. Each paragraph is supposed to transition smoothly, and this little phrase allowed it to do so.

Keep these tips and changes in mind for when you do your next paper.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

Answer 2

"As a freshmen to college I find myself waking up every night in a pool of sweat from the nightmare of climbing the biggest, tallest mountain in the world “Homework Mountain.” It’s constructed of piles of chemistry, biology, English, labs, and math homework."

I would get rid of all of this. It sounds like an elementary student wrote it.

"Eighteen years ago, on the unlucky day of Friday the thirteenth, I was given the name Taylor Young after my great grandfather."

This is unnecessary.

"shaped my identity creating my individuality as one person."

Redundant.

"I was born and raised for the first year of my life in Gastonia, North Carolina which I have no recollection of."

If you were only there for the first year of your life you were not "raised" there.

"At age one I moved to another North Carolina city by the name of Hickory, an hour away from my hometown."

"At age 4 my parents divorced changing my life drastically."

In college writing write numbers out.

"I was in for an emotional roller coaster as my parents both went through two additional divorces."

This sounds silly because it reads like you're saying, as a 4 year old, you were going through an emotional breakdown. Edit it.

It doesn't flow that well but it's not terrible. Some editing will make it better. Have a friend look it over if you can and read it aloud. Both will help you see problems with the writing.