College Essay( I need Critics)?

Question

I only have the introduction.

The topic is: Educational and Career objectives.

Here we go

I can still hear the kids in my fifth grade classroom explaining how they all wanted to become either teachers, lawyers, doctors, or someone famouse. That wasn't me. I was the kid that just wanted to become successful im life. I didn't care which career field I ended up in. I just wanted to make something of myself.

I'm not REALLY sure about that intro. I REALLY need some help. PLEASE anybody.

Thank you

Answer 1

In addition to the other spelling / grammar mistakes already mentioned by others: Do not end a sentence with a preposition.

Your whole intro is in the past tense and it doesn't really tell me anything - it is very ambiguous.   I think your approach is OK - that success is more important to you than a particular career field.  But if you are going to go with that you need to tell the reader exactly what success means to you.

And, I would advise you to (truthfully) make your definition of success be of interest to the college to which you are applying.

For example: If you are applying to a pre-med program, your definition of success might be something along the lines of helping others.  Or, if you are pursuing a business degree, your definition of success might be to express your creativity through building a business.  See what I mean?

Answer 2

At your age, it's hard to tell what you want to do for a living later in life. Why don't you just say that you would like to run your own business?  If you work for somebody else, you will eventually want to be in business for yourself.

Answer 3

Elaborate on your aspirations to becoming successful. When you were young, what did success mean to you? What does it mean now? How would you make something of yourself? Could you see yourself in 20 years time?

Answer 4

I am assuming that you did not do a spell check? famouse=famous. Is this a letter for college acceptance? In a formal essay never use (wasn't or didn't) always write the entire word---> was not or did not. I know it sounds stuffy, but that is what they are going to be looking for. Use child or student instead of kid (kid is slang). Hope that helps a little =]