College Essay - Proofread?

Question

As I sat there on the edge of her bed, I could see my world darken. “What am I going to say to her?” I asked Daniel. He knew what I had done. He sat there with his arm around me telling me that everything would be alright. Daniel was my brother’s best friend; he was like a brother to me. I just sobbed on his shoulder.

I had never done anything to betray my mother’s trust, and I knew I blew it. I was scared and so upset with myself. How could I have done this? So many thoughts ran throughout my head as I sat there counting the seconds until she would walk in her bedroom. Seconds turned into minutes, and the minutes felt like eternity.

I had been putting off telling her for about a week. Every day that had passed, my heart felt emptier. I knew I would not be able to hide it, and I did not want to. I wanted to tell her, and after the sermon that Pastor Jim preached at church that morning – I could not keep it a secret anymore. I could still hear him talking about the children of God – It was eating me up inside.

There I sat, waiting to break my mother’s heart. My contacts were so fogged up from all the tears, and I could not have cared less. My face was red, and my nose was stuffy; I could not even breathe. I felt so guilty and knew that I was going to have the punishment of a lifetime. I still had no idea what I was going to say or how I was going to tell her. I was completely and utterly mortified.

My heart pounded harder and harder with each step that came towards her door. She had finally stepped in the doorway, I just held my breath. She had a worried look on her face, wondering why I was crying so much. I had asked her to sit down beside me, and she did, very cautiously. “I made a big mistake, mom” I started. I tried to catch my breath, and slowly finished, “I’m pregnant”.

My heart just sank; I knew I had disappointed her in so many ways. I was prepared for the worst. I closed my eyes tight, and just cried. She hugged me and told me that everything was going to be alright. I could not believe it, that was it? I was not going to get yelled at or punished? I told her after a couple minutes of silence that an abortion was out of the question. She looked at me and said, “Of course it’s out of the question – God never makes mistakes!”

After that day, everything had seemed to get better. I graduated from High School; I attended my Senior Prom, and now I am enrolled in College. I am expecting a bouncing baby girl in October, and I can not imagine living my life any other way.

Answer 1

This seems ripped off. That's what I dislike about this board. You try to help people and there is always an idiot who tries to make you look foolish for helping.

Answer 2

As far the quality of the writing is concerned, it's pretty good. I feel you've done a good job of leading up to the climax. My only issue is that I don't think you've made the climax dramatic enough. Let's face it (assuming this story is true), the admission's officers weren't there when it happened, you can add some stylistic effect. Maybe after "...and just cried" you could say something like "a deafening silence filled the room; it was as if everything and everyone in the room and just vanished, and I sat there, numb, with only the feeling of my tears flowing against my crimson cheeks. Then just when I felt I would fade away a warm comforting sensation enveloped me- She hugged me and told me everything was going to be alright..." Now with that said, it's alright the way it is, but adding something like that (though not actually those words, something more accurate to your feelings, or your character's feelings if this is fiction) might help your reader feel they haven't been just "let off" after all the suspense.

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I see someone has claimed this is plagiarized...if it is, WRITE AN ORIGINAL COMPOSITION, if you submit a plagiarized essay to a college you're chances of getting in if they find out are virtual nonexistent. I thought it was a bit curious you were writing an essay if "...now I am enrolled in college." (Also you don't need to cap college and you could say "I'm" rather than "I am".) Plagiarizing is crime in some states, don't steal other people's writing!      

Answer 3

Lost me in the first sentence............. you sit on "her bed" but address daniel? is this a story of a transgender arrangement or is it a misspelling?

I read no further because I was confused..........

I will state that what often passes for high quality HS creative writng will not cut it in college......... different standards.........

Answer 4

that's plagiarism ! shame on you !

Answer 5

Why are you writing about this topic?  Are you supposed to write about an incident you overcame?  This is not a good choice.  You have not provided any examples as to why or how you overcame this incident.  You simply told a story that makes you look like you got pregnant by your brother's pedophile friend.  Not very original...

Answer 6

It kinda seems like you just randomly took a part of your story out and stuck with it. The introduction is weak and as is your closing. Try and break down your introduction, body paragraphs and conclusion, and then find a way to tie it together effectively. Also try and use less commentary by people and address who they are before you have them "talking"

You also repeat alot such as the last two paragraphs start off as "My heart". Try and start things off differently.

Hope this helped!

good luck.