College Roommate Troubles?

Question

I am a freshman in college and have been in the dorm for 2 days now with two other roommates. It is a room meant for two (a "forced triple"), so naturally there isn't going to be a lot of room. The trouble is is that we are all the sort who prefer to retire to our room - while this may have worked at home, at college it results in a very quiet, awkward space. My roommate "Bob" stays in the room all day and only leaves to go to class. He takes all of his meals in the room, has no friends, and it is really bothersome. I feel that it is unfair that I have to walk all the way to the library for that basic human need for a little solitary time, while he constantly gets the room to himself and refuses to make an effort or even show signs of social awareness. I can't tell him that he needs to leave during some hours unlike basic house rules; what do I do? Am I overreacting and am still in the breaking in process of college life or is this guy really a nuisance?

Answer 1

Ok, so here's the question, if he's not bothering anyone by being loud, smelling the place up, etc. Why do you have more right to the room to yourself than he does? Who cares if he only leaves the room for class! If he's keeping to his side, not messing with your stuff, and not being loud, then I would just let the guy be. You don't HAVE to talk to him and it sounds like you are the one that has the problem with him being in the room, not him. It's only awkward if you make it that way. People can be in the same room and never say a word. My roommate and I used to be in the room for hours studying or going about our business and never say a word to each other. It never felt awkward because we weren't invading each other's space or being obnoxious.

Bottom Line: He is paying "rent" and has every right to spend every single moment in that room if he so chooses, just as you do. There is no guarentee for privacy, especially in such close quarters. You can't make someone "socially aware". His socialization and comfort levels are obviously different than yours and you need to be accepting of others different than yourself. If YOU need "solitary time", then yes, you do need to find that for yourself. You can't force someone out of their room to make YOU comfortable.

I think you need to give yourself a chance to adjust to living with different people and adjust yourself. You can't infringe upon the rights of others to make yourself comfortable. This guy isn't screaming, have rightous BO, or doing anything that really infringes upon your rights. The only people that you can bar from your dorm room are people who are not assigned to it.

Get used it. Be happy all this guy does is keep to himself. For my Freshman year I used to have to walk over my roommate having s*x on the floor in the middle of the day when I would forget a book or something. I also had to deal with puking, drunken weekends, loud music, and her constantly on the phone. *I* was the one who had to leave to the lounge for some quiet or even sleep since she would wake me up when she would roll in at 2:30am all drunk and loud. But you know what? She had every right to roll in at 2:30 (loud is another thing) and had every right to be puky in the room, as well as constantly on the phone. I had different needs and adjusted myself. I would have KILLED for someone that was just quiet, but always there. I would have treated him like furnature and went on my way, which is what I suggest you do.  

Answer 2

It's only been two days.  I'm sure he'll find friends and start leaving the dorm more frequenting.

Answer 3

I was one of the people who stayed mainly in my dorm. But I didn't have a roommate.

Can't you just put on some headphones and tune out?

Or maybe you can show him how to be socially aware by befriending him. If you have been acting like you want nothing to do with him, then it is just going to make the problem worse. Once school starts things will change. He will be in class, you will be in class, you might only run into each other a few times a day, or you might be the one always hanging out in the room.

Maybe he feels the same about you. He is in there trying to get some quiet time and you come bursting in on his space. It goes both ways.

For now, either completely tune him out and listen to music or read on your own, or befriend him and completel obliterate the problem.

I don't think you should consult your RA for this problem. It is his room too and he has just as much right to spend all day in there as you do. If you guys were getting into fights about it, then consult your RA. But just because he likes being in the room is no reason to get your RA involved. In fact, if I was him and my RA came and told me I couldn't spend that much time in my room I would feel completely lost and upset. That room is a comfort to him and until he makes friends (such as you for instance) he will continue to stay there.

When you come in and he is there, don't leave. If you stay, either he will get annoyed and leave on his own, or he will completely ignore you and you can have your own private time on your bed.

Answer 4

Sounds like he's a little odd.  Can you request a transfer to a new room? A lot of schools will do it for you if you ask early.  

Answer 5

No, you are not overreacting.  You need personal space as much as he does, and he doesn't own the room. You should not feel like you have to leave

How does your other roommate feel?  

Talk to him, and maybe ask your RA to sit down with the 3 of you to draw up some room rules about alone time or shared time.

You might also think about some kind of physical barrier like a goofy beaded curtain or even one of those folding screens/ photo display boards that are free standing.  You can look in places like Bed bath & beyond or Target or even WalMart for ideas.