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College entrance essay help! (10 pts for best answer =])?

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hey everyyone, so im a senior this year in hs. and im want to get into UT austin or A&M college station (in tx). and writing essays my weak spot. so im just wondering if yall would edit it? or give me some pointers?

TOPIC: Choose an issue of importance to you—the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope—and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation

heres the essayy:

The issue of immigration is of great importance to me as I am a child of immigrants. My parents left India in 1985, coming to America for a better life and a more peaceful environment in which to raise their family. In India, they lived in endless fear and hardship, a great deal of it brought on by terrorists. Bomb threats and even bomb blasts on the trains and in major metropolitan cities was a constant worry, and it continues today.

I recognize the hardships my parents faced in their homeland, and I know how difficult it was for them to leave friends and family and change their lives completely in order to move to the United States. But not a day goes by that I am not grateful they made this decision. I know how lucky I am to have been born and raised in America and not have to face the oppression and hardship of many living in other countries of the world. Immigration has changed the lives of many people in this country. Countless amounts of people have left their home countries in seek for an improved lifestyle and a healthier environment. This decision not only affects them, but also their children and their family. For example, when my parents emigrated from India to the US, I was affected by their move because when I was born, it was in a nonviolent and diplomatic environment. Therefore, this same process will repeat it its course again when I get married and have children, they will also be born in the same environment I was born in.

In America there are freedoms such as the freedom of speech that entitles the American people to express their opinion about what they feel is right. In contrast in India, expressing opinions against the government would result in imprisonment or even execution. We also enjoy equal opportunity here in the United States, as both men and women can get an education, and have a decent profession. As for in India, only a mere amount of states recognize the equal opportunity environment. Such as, schools in the smaller states of India do not provide education to both boys and girls in the same environment. The all girls’ school has a totally different atmosphere compared to the boys’ school. The girls’ school does not have the basic necessities to run a school such as a lack of teachers, and classrooms. For instance, my mother told me a story about her childhood in school and while she was in high school, and how her school did not provide a math class, only because it was an all girls’ school. As a US citizen I enjoyed being in a decent learning environment, and having the equal opportunity environment. Most people do not realize how fortunate they are to live here in the United States; they have not seen nor experienced the troubles that students in other countries face.

As a student now entering college, I am extremely grateful to live here in the United States and to be part of this excellent education system that the American government offers. Even though the educational system in American is starting to plunge, it is a lot better than some of the other countries. When I talk to my parents about entering college, they always tell me how happy they are to see their American born Indian son going to college and become something in life. The how if they had not made the choice to come to the United States, I would still be in India and not even thinking about going to college and making something of myself.

THANKSS! IN ADVANCE!

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2 ANSWERS


  1. Sounds great! My parents are from India too! Remember to indent paragraphs and check the last line. I don't think there should be a the there.


  2. okay well a couple things id like to point out is the thesis, you need a more well defined thesis.... and in most essays, you try to not say i me, and you....

    also, you need to do it in MLA format....  thats one thing they will gripe about in college, so do it now so they see you grasp the concept..

    since this essay is about you and your family, its okay to refer to yourself.  

    start a different thesis like.  

    The issue of immigration has become a major concern of many american citizens today.  Some are for immigration, and others against it.  though many have their opinions, I'd like to share a true story of an immigrant family, who lived in fear and turmoil and made it safely to the US, to live their own American Dream.  This is the story of how my family immigrated to the United States...

    and did they give you a page limit, or word count limit?  id say do at least 2 or 3 pages, double spaced. in MLA format, 1 inch margins

    you can use that thesis if you like it

    good luck!

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