Comment on my poem please

Question

Summer Crushes

Summer Crush

Moving carelessly

as in a vivid dream,

Nearby clouds gather

as I cross a stream,

Rain slowly cascades,

Loose strides before

become more mindful

yet my footing unsure.

Rhythmically the rain

falls, urging my steps

to become more aware

Onward the road is wet,

Puddles on the street

that's where I slipped,

It's hard to see far

When she is amiss.

The path, soft before

was hard when I fell,

This drizzle remains

as I begin to dwell,

Spirits soaked, I sat

thinking it's wrong,

The fall was so short

but the hurt so long.

I shout at the rain

now becoming intense,

It wasn't her fault

I never did listen.

Time will help, but

the reality it brings

can be more cruel

than mirrored dreams.

Answer 1

I like it, alot. Great metaphor, You have talent... Keep writing poems

Answer 2

incredible... u wrote this???!!!???!! wow its really good .. continue like this and u will become a poet if u already arnt one!!!

Answer 3

hey Tim Bits. (i love saying that...) alright, your poem is beautiful, as always. but, i don't really like your title. if i were the poet, i would have named this poem something along the lines of...Mirrored Dreams...or something to do with rain and pain usually when i title a poem of mine, i would use a word or phrase that is in the poem already. or something relating to a word or phrase already in the poem.

  but seriously, besides the title...i am in love with this poem. it's so cool how you relate the rain with your loss. and how at the end, you express your sorrow, without sounding conceeded. my favorite part about your poems, besides the fact that they always make my stomach tingly, is the fact that your characters aren't afraid to show emotion and be like totally and fully open to heartbreak. like, all your poems that i have read, are romantic, right? so, your heart broken characters are always perfect. they fall into love ready and willing to be broken. but they have enough trust in them, to be completely beautiful. but while their beauty is just too much to handle, you throw in a perfect ending.

   listen Tim Bits, your poems, no matter what anyone says, are beautiful to the fullest. seriously, i loved it. =]sarah

Answer 4

very descriptive but not engaging

Include some form of rhyme, it'll make your poem more interesting