Comment on my poems?

Question

I have a few, if you'd like to read and comment. please don't steal them. =)

#1

All the pieces fall to the floor

All the pieces shatter into more

How small the shards become

The life the shards come from

The quiet smashing no one hears

but so loudly reaches my ears

My eyes close

This is what i chose

I'll never make the same mistake

I wish that for everyone one's sake

No one will know

of the pain i would never show

and of the life i gave

but couldn't save

From

Falling

#2

How dare you pretend to forget who I am

Pretend not to know that my thoughts break through the dam

And leave me here with tears running down my face

You run even though I'm too tired to chase

You make people stop and watch my pain

They don't know every face through my tears looks the same

The lyrics are running through my head like tears themselves

My heart's fallen from it's shelf

It's as sad as a music box's tune

I pray it will all be over soon

How could you forget the time that passed us by

We laughed , we cried, we sighed

The time we spent together

You know we cared for each other

I think I'm done.

it's been months since we begun

I'm done with the fake smiles

If time were measured to fit how I'd feel I'd measure it in miles

I'm done with the emotionless wordplay

That just brings more pain than I can say

I'm done with the pain I relate to

And I'm sick of there being nothing I can do.

I'm done

And I don't think I'll be back for more of the same.

Because you don't care about my pain

You don't care if I'm lying here with tears staining the page

You don't care if you leave me here broken in my mind that traps me in it's cage

You don't care if I'm breathless with loss

My mind I cannot cross

Is just that you don't notice?

Or didn't I show this?

I think my heart is too afraid.

A heart so cold you've made

I think you're the one to blame

For everything that came

I think you lost me forever

I think you're anything but clever

I think I'm finally sure

I wont be back for any more

So these are my words

I hope they hurt like the swing of a sword

And this is where I leave it

As you sit and read it.

#3

I stand on the edge and look over

but is it really my fault that i got here?

just to look at the pain that they've caused me?

what if i'd assumed it would make sense if i saw it all in front of me?

I know i was wrong but did it make that little sense?

If everything's meant to be broken,

where do our hearts come in?

I can sit down and wrap my arms around me but i can't stop myself from falling apart.

I stare at the city below,

what if i fall?

Would i break?

obviously. But what if i don't want to?

I just want everything back

every bit of innocence

is that so much to ask?

but i'm stuck,

and i can't take the world that's over the edge.

So there they are.

Answer 1

Your problem with writing is NOT how you write lyrics, because you are excellent at that, but how you align them, and connect them.

I felt that each piece through out, was overly disconnected from one line to the next.

I did read your entire second poem!!!!!

That's astonishing for me, because there are very few poems that are as long as #2 that I ever waste (or spend) my life reading. This means to me, you have the ability to aim your verbal arrow, right at the core of the heart. That is a must have capability in poetic expression. So keep at it, and you'll become outstandingly better, as long as you learn.

Answer 2

they are amazing! Keep Writing!

Answer 3

you are a good writter =)

and please answer mine:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...