Comment on this, will you? A poem I wrote, entitled Night.?

Question

Night

Night comes upon me with his black robes askew,

Evanescent his beauty, narcissus in blue.

And the stars come beside him, fair maidens in queue,

In the shades of the heavens, he sang for his lonely few.

“Cold was my soul, born of Stygian mist,

Enfolding my arms like a slow closing fist.

Come lie down beside me; hold my mesmeric sway,

And dance to the moon, bid goodbye to the golden day.”

I looked up upon him, held his wavering gaze,

Like a poignant Madonna with Christ in the grave.

A black velvet painting sprung to elegant life,

Still warm with the kiss of the flesh where the pain is rife.

“When the sunset has swept down on the unending sea,

And the mists of the eventide call, as I call to thee.

Through twilight and darkness and the moonrise so blue.

Surrender to the splendor of touch as I come to you.”

Sibilant and languid, he sauntered to view,

Like a man yet unmarried with eyes cold as dew.

Enswathed in ebon on a snow white ballet,

With white skin held on flesh, and black lips that now say…

“Allow me to enter, taste my fiery kiss,

Be as flame born to darkness, with libidinous bliss,

Seduce me with hatred, a pestilential hiss,

I will answer thy prayers like a god from the dark abyss.”

Invading temptation, from tempestuous skies,

This creature of heaven in search of his prize.

“Caught in net of thy shadows, what dreams hast thou to show?

To one who treads meadows to see thee below?”

“With the snow fallen thick and bonfires alit,

Dost thou wish me to come, place thy hand on my hilt.

Thou art pure and unworldly, desire torn free,

How I crave for thy body, like the Jew for the tree.

Our union is one, my sweet sinful Eve,

Thou art dark in my eyes and the joy of my screams.

I shall pour out my spirit ‘tween thy unyielding laps,

And my fingers shall trace all the paths of thy body’s map.”

Bared on this night, I am circled like prey,

Sickened and weak from submission’s dark sway.

With the starlight upon us, I remember the way,

We were needle and spoon, mislaid in the burning hay.

For our passions consuming like a dying black sun,

Where once faith stood Her ground, now his soul comes to me, undone.

“Renounce all thy guilt and drink deep of my flames,

See the promise of love in the words of your lover’s games.”

“Do to me as thou would, till my body lies still,

Till the thaw of my winter is as snow on your hill,

Regardless the cost, take me, take me until,

My body is ravaged by the loss of thy body’s fill.”

The last frost of May has now blighted the crop,

And Night stands now in glory, while to ground do I drop.

His head turns to eastward, to slow beckoning light,

As dawn comes in glory, to herald the end of night.

Standing now by the river, on this midsummer’s eve,

Red roses around me, with thorns, I believe,

And through crimson autumn, to new winter reborn,

I stay here awaiting the dawn of the night forlorn.

Answer 1

Some bits of it show promise, but, overall, it's all over the place as far as rhythm and metre go. Needs some serious work and revision.

Answer 2

Its wonderful work but you need to edit your stanzas, and break it down into couplets or paragraphs that hold the imagery together, try this, its easier to see the theme and feel of your poem:  

Night comes upon me with his black robes askew,

Evanescent his beauty, narcisuss in blue.

And the starts come beside him, fair maidens in queue,

in the shades of heavens, he sang for his lonely few...

Cold was my soul, born of Stygian mist,

enfolding my arms like a slow closing fist.

Come lie down beside me; hold my mesmeric sway,

and dance to the moon, bidding adieu to the golden day.

I looked upon him, held his wavering gaze,

like a poignant Madonna with Christ in the grave.

A black velvet painting sprung to elegant life,

still warm with the kiss of the flesh where the pain is rife.

When the sunset swept down on the unending sea

and the mists of the eventide call, as I call to thee

through twilight and darkness and the moonrise so blue,

surrender to the splendor of my touch as I come to you.

Sibilant and languid, he sauntered to view

like a man yet unmarried with eyes cold as dew.

Enswathed in ebon on a snow white ballet,

with pale skin held on flesh, and black lips that now say...

"allow me to enter, and taste my fiery kiss,

be as flame born to darkness, with libidinous bliss.

Seduce me with hatred, a pestilential hiss,

I will answer thy prayers like a god from the dark abyss."

Invading temptation, from tempestuous skies

this creature of heaven went in search of his prize, and

caught in net of thy shadows, he asked

what dreams hast thou to show?

to one who treads meadows to see thee below?

With the snow fallen thick and bonfires alit,

does thou wish me to come? Place thy hand on my hilt

for thou art pure and unworldly, desire torn free,

how I crave for thy body, like the Jew for the tree....

And our union is one, my sweet sinful Eve

thou art dark in my eyes and the joy of my dreams

I shall pour out my spirit in thy yielding laps,

and my fingers shall trace all the paths of thy body's map.

bared on this night, I am circled like prey,

sickened and weak from submission's dark sway

with the starlight upon, I remember the way,

we were needle and spoon, mislaid in the burning hay.

Our passions consuming like a dying black sun

where once faith stood Her ground, now a soul is undone.

Renounce all thy guilt and drink deep of my flames,

see the promise of love in the words of your lover's games.

Do to me as thou would, till my body lies still;

till the thaw of my winter is as snow on your hill,

regardless of the cost, take me, take me until

my body is ravaged by the loss of thy body's fill.

The last frost of May has now blighted the crop,

and night stands in glory while to ground I drop.

His head turns to eastward, to slow the beckoning light,

as dawn comes in glory, to herald the end of night.

Standing now by the river, on this midsummer's eve,

red roses around me, with thorns, I believe;

and through crimson autumn to a new winter reborn,

I stay here awaiting the dawn of the night forlorn.

Answer 3

Good I would have given 100 marks had you bless the first man who invented sleep.

Answer 4

I love it. Bloody brilliant! So evocative and the imagery? Wow! Wonderful work...thank you for sharing!

Answer 5

Not bad at all.

The inspiration for this poem is based on true events of a lonely man (who happens to be on an island) seeking the right woman.

This poem appears to be written from the women's perspective..

I know the story well.  This poem describes it.