Question:

Comments/improvements on my poem pls? xx?

by  |  earlier

0 LIKES UnLike

Poor Tina with Tears in Her Eyes

I once met a girl down in London,

Who told me the tale of her life,

I could see she was kind and she was clever,

But she held so much sadness inside.

We spoke from midnight until sunrise,

In the corner of an unknown, unnamed bar,

Sinking perpetual raspberry mojitos,

To the sound of a faded guitar.

She had married a man named Harry,

Seven years ago to the day,

But quickly their love had turned sour,

And together we counted the ways.

Harry was cruel, and he beat her,

For all those years she endured the pain,

She longed for the days when he had loved her,

Not realising things could never be the same.

Then one day she learned of his other lover,

And knowing there were probably more,

She packed a bag with what possessions she had,

And never to come back, headed straight for the door.

One week later we sat there together,

And out poured this story, along with her tears,

She had nothing and nobody to cling to,

Save a suitcase of old hopes and fears.

When the sun broke through the window that morning,

She stood up and said goodbye,

She had to catch a train to nowhere in particular,

And as she turned, the sun lit up her black eye.

I never saw Tina again after that night,

A thought which makes me so sad,

We knew one another only a few hours,

But she was the best friend I ever had.

I often wonder what became of her,

Poor Tina with tears in her eyes,

I hope she survived the pain and the heartache,

I hope there’s someone there for her when she cries.

 Tags:

   Report

2 ANSWERS


  1. I'll print it out and have a good read later when I have some time to go through it properly, off to bed now night.

    Seems as you're telling a story through anothers eyes, so insulating you from the horror within, perhaps if you wrote as you'd feel for the girl then you may be able to change the tone. I liked it but felt unmoved by it, Oh... I have no grounding in any poetry are anything similar, so dismiss what I say if you feel it's to harsh or totally unjust. Jim x


  2. I fear my ignorance of poetry "Styles" may show here a bit.  

    I love poetry and have read it and written it for years but never bothered learning about style, and grammar for that matter.  But i have the gift of knowing what I like. So here goes.  

    I felt like your poem had rhythm at times for instance the first 3 stanza's had a cool flow, smooth.  Yet it gets choppy for me from there.  

    Take for instance the 7th stanza, it seems like the beat gets all thrown off, you go from about 11 syllables in most of the third lines in the other stanzas to what I count to be 14 in line 3 stanza 7.  Granted I had my hand under my chin trying my darnedest to make sure I was write in my syllable count.  Anyway that is my thought that it seems to loose its beat.

    A few rhymes seem forced to me, it is tough I know.  I feel the poem went on maybe a little longer then it needed to go.  Perhaps consolidate the thoughts.

Question Stats

Latest activity: earlier.
This question has 2 answers.

BECOME A GUIDE

Share your knowledge and help people by answering questions.