Question:

Comments on another rewrite? Link provided for those who care to compare.

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Stopped at a gas station in black of night

midway through our cross country trek,

pressure from full bladder awakens me, I pry

myself from siblings' tangled arms and legs,

we three asleep in the back bench seat.

I make my way alone to the paint chipped door

with stick lady drawn, making no mistake, before

I enter, one quick glance toward my dad's eerie

form, cast in shadows by single bulb above him

while he fills the old Buick once again.

I empty myself standing over smelly bowl, legs

spread wide, careful, not touching skin to seat.

Soap sits too high upon the wall for reach, so

I hold hands over rusted sink allowing

water alone to splash them clean.

Stained linen towel in the shiny machine also

too far overhead to pull down and watch go

round and round for next pair of hands, so

instead, I wipe on my pink pajamas front.

Old door creaks to my timid push as I

turn to look for the car. The car,

the car is not there! My dad is nowhere,

no one is there, but me.

They left me alone in the dark that night,

only four in innocent years. Down I

sat on oily stoop, widened eyes, pacing

heart my only companions in wait.

An hour for every year it took, two

to notice I was gone, two for their return.

During that wait, deep within my core,

that dreaded discovery made.

My lifetime truth carried

forth from that day.

I was invisible.

If my absence was not seen or felt

how could my presence be?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Am8TT4N0GDWb6Db7uB.m.tLty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080804064022AAC4pUv

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8 ANSWERS


  1. No critic here either, just liked the first one better myself.


  2. i like the first one because you mentioned ajo az. i could really picture you sitting there. aside from that difference, i think they're both great!

  3. I think they are both good.

  4. they are both good. those poems remind me of a little girl who had angel wings wrapped around her.

  5. I'm not a poem critic -  I like both poems.

  6. Didn't see first posting - I read this first and then went back - I prefer this version.

    You know, on the other version I can't understand how posters missed the anguish you must have felt each time the family thought it was a joke.  My little grandson (aged four)  is traumatised if his Mum doesn't wave to him when he has to stay behind with Dad.  He gets really distressed - I just cannot image what permanent damage it would do him to leave him alone in a strange place for so long.

    Like your other poem (military father) this is crafted beautifully.  Your honesty is refreshing, and your depiction of childhood....(using the toilet) is total reality.

    Do you also write short stories? - if not, you should.


  7. Very nicely done ma. LOL

  8. The latter is more succinct and compelling; must be the line breaks.

    Great poem.

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