Competitive sister-in-law...Help!?

Question

First of all, my sister-in-law isn't a normal sister-in-law...we used to be roommates and she is how I met my husband (she is my husband's brother's wife).

My sister-in-law has always been pretty self-involved, but ever since my husband and I were engaged she has become much worse. She has to one-up everything!! I get so frustrated with the fact that I can't share anything with her that is going on in my life because it is always turned around to her and what is so fantastic, horrible, extreme, etc in her life. This woman was actually mad that my husband and I bought a house before she did...she refused to congratulate us or even acknowledge it. When we do talk on the phone she never asks about anything going on in our lives, she just drones on and on about her husband and herself. This has led me to not answer the phone when she calls and to very rarely call her. I just want some advice on what to do to help this situation without ruining what friendship we have left because she will be in my life for the rest of it. My husband and I don't want this to effect his relationship with his brother, but neither of us can handle her competitiveness/self-absorption anymore.

Answer 1

ask about her first then tell her about you maybe she just wants to talk tp you but you allways talk first

Answer 2

wow im sorry to hear this, honestly there isnt anything you can do. she is the way she is because she chooses to be. it has nothing to do with you. no matter what you do or say her attitude will remain the same until she grows up and deals with it. its sad she cant be there for you as you succeed in life or are happy about your accomplishments but thats her loss. dont let that get you down. you dont live your life for her or for her approval. do what is best for you, she will eventually come around, for all of your sake.

good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

Hey There,

Wow I know someone like that totally but thank God she is not my sister in law.. just my boss so sadly I have to deal with her. The best advice I ever got was to just laugh off their rudeness the best way you can. It frustrates them yes, because you do not let them get to you. What they ultimately want is attention and if you don't subject yourself to letting her drive you nuts, she will move on to her next victim for her one up party. Good luck!

Answer 4

My SIL is a lot like you describe and my MIL is just the same - maybe worse. She turns things on my kids (her own grandchildren!) and brags incessantly about their cousins (her other grandchildren).

There is nothing you can do to change them because the behavior comes from deep insecurity - they need to bring others down to bring themselves up. If they can't feel superior, they feel insecure and threatened so the just step up the bad behavior, get more resentful and use passive-aggressive tactics (refusing to congratulate or even acknowledge). There is no use trying to talk to them because they can't stand to be wrong. If you make them feel inferior in any way, these types of personalities will never forgive you and always seek ways to try to punish you.

Understanding all this is VERY important. You are falling into the trap of taking it personally. Realize that it has NOTHING to do with you. As far as your SIL is concerned, the world revolves around her. You know this already.

If you take offense and allow yourself to feel that the relationship is one-sided and unfair, you will create problems for yourself. The thing to do is the opposite: don't share anything with her. You have friends and other family to share your life with.

Limit your time with her, keep your distance and keep it superficial. She will adore you if you smile and nod and hate you with venom if you try to have a real relationship with her. She is not capable of two-way communication and sharing. Other people are, so get your needs met elsewhere and accept her for what she is and expect nothing. You will save everyone a great deal of misery - most of all yourself!

It's sad when you want a healthy relationship with someone and they prefer a dysfuntional one but it is even sadder to allow them to draw you into an unhealthy dynamic. Just smile and nod and don't allow your emotions to be engaged. It's the only way to deal.

Answer 5

I agree with evelyn.  My sister-n-law is a lot like what you discribed yours to be accept that I wasn't a friend or roomate of hers before.  She's been cold since the day I met her.  She only talks about herself, never asks me or my husband about anything we may do and doesnt acknowledge anything we do or congratulate us.  My husband's brother also acts this way.  They have not been to our house since we moved here over 2 years ago.  It sucks because I would love to have a sister-n-law that I could have fun around.  My friend who is getting married this weeked has the best sister-n-law, she seems so nice.  We only see the "inlaws" once or twice a year at holidays and pretend to like one another.  So sad.