Confused with my Marriage?

Question

I love my husband very much, but I often feel that he doesnt feel the same. We have 3 children together, so I sometimes feel that is the only reason he is still with me. He doesnt like to cuddle, show affection, or be romantic. When I start trying to show him those things, he acts like he doesnt know what Im doing, when he does. He gets aggravated with me easily, and says things that are out of line when hes mad. I do love him, and sometimes he is amazing, but I hate feeling rejected, which is what I feel often with him. I want to just suck it up for our kids sake, but Im not as happy as I feel I should be. Plus the leaving and divorce thing is something I dont know if I can stay strong with and go through with. Please give me advice on how to handle him, or how to make myself not want his attention and affection so much. Just help please... thank you.

Answer 1

That's just who your husband is...

Answer 2

husband and wife should always be affectionate with one another was he like this before marriage? as a child did his parents give him affection if not then that is where the problem is he needs to know where to begin. and does he show his kids affection? lots of questions u need to ask your self.

Answer 3

If I told you to ignore him and ignore the affection that your giving him then later on your going to be thinking about how it would be with someone else who will give you affection, attention and just simply appreciate you. I think that no women should deserve this no matter what. Either he is really stressed at work and he just wants nothing to do with anyone at home and relax or he can be cheating on you. Why don't you sit down with him and have a serious talk with him. Let him know how your feeling and how he makes you feel. Ask him if he still wants to be with you. If you have any doubts still after you talk to him well I'm sorry but you either chose to go to marriage counseling with him and fix the problems or divorce. The kids shouldn't be an excuse to be married with someone either you don't love or someone who don't know if your there or not. You should value yourself too. I know it may be hard but you can't be hanging on to someone who is not making you happy just because of kids and because you don't know how you'll do it with out him. You should be able to go on and do it for yourself and your children. I really wish you could do something to fix your marriage. Just sit down with him and talk. Don't argue, don't fight and especially not in front of the children. Good luck

Answer 4

Hey,

I am sorry that you are in such a situation.

There must be a reason why your husband in acting in such a manner. How was his childhood like? Are his parents divorced? Was he abused? Suffered any kind of trauma? Abuse or rape or molest?

I suggest that you find an appropriate time where you and him are not stressed out by work, to talk to him. If things get out of hand, try calling this number: 1-800-NEW LIFE

Here is the website: www.newlife.com

If nothing is working, you might want to go for marriage counseling even if he does not want to. Do it for yourself. Do all you can to save the marriage. Pray.

I am 15 by the way but that doesn't mean I can't help. If you ever need more resources, I am an email away. Just click on my profile. I'd like to help you as much as I can, to the point where there is nothing I can do. If not, good luck and take care.

Hang in there, okay?

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Hey, I just read your additional details.

I hope that you are reading my additional answer now.

Well, about your husband growing up with his mom alone, that explains a lot. I really suggest that you call the number I typed above. Or email me. I am able to hook you up with some other resources.

He wasn't how he was in the marriage last time because he was in love with you. See, when a person is in love with another, he or she just doesn't care about anything else. Furthermore, the love he felt for you might have filled the emptiness within him. The love could have temporary healed the wounds stemmed from his past. But in a normal marriage, a couple of weeks or months after the money-moon period, the feeling of love isn't really there anymore. But there still is the love, just that two people are not in love. In love and love is different, you need to distinguish.

So, he still loves you but it is just the past hurts that is weighing him down. Do you understand? This has to do with a little understanding as to how psychology works.

It is alright for you to want his attention and affection. Everyone needs attention and affection from their loved ones, especially in a marriage. It is one of the key engine.

The thing here that you need to understand that your husband's hurt from his past might be surfacing.

Hence, as a starting point, call the number. Purchase the book Healing Is A Choice. Go to www.newlife.com and click on Chat Rooms. Register. My username in that chat room is 'space', same as my nickname on Yahoo! Answers. I know that the rules say you have to be 18 in order to join. However, the moderators know me and I joined the chat room before they came up with this rule. Thus, they allow me to stay there. I really am 15, well, going 16 in October. I'd like to help you out. What I have shared with you are honest answers. Not trying to trick your mind or anything.

Answer 5

first you would have to remember, did he do those things before you two got married? if not then he  is not going to change this. if you are not happy then why would want to stay? either express your desires to him or get out. even if he says that things are out of line stand your ground and communicate.

Answer 6

Go to therapy with your husband and try to talk some of this out.

If he refuses to go and try to work the marriage out I would then leave him. Don't be scared of a divorce. You have a choice you can be feeling the way that you do day in and day out or you can change your life and be happy? It is up to you. Life is hard sometimes but you deserve to be happy. Your children will understand. They see how the 2 of you are. They know that things are not the way they should be. You need to move on with your life. Do you want to spend your life trying to make this man love you? You can't change anyone .. remember that ,Cause that is what you will be doing forever.

Answer 7

You sure he doesn't have someone on the side?

You don't think you can stay strong with a divorce.....you're confusing me. You get support from your family, or even a support (divorced) group. Staying together for the children can actually do more damage to you and them. The mental and physical stresses, them seeing how it seems their dad has no love for you anymore.

Love on a one way street is much like a yugo headed up that one way street with an 18 wheeler barreling down on it. How old are your children? As parents we like to teach our kids not to be quitters, but often times staying in a relationship where there's "one way love" between the parents we actually set them up for the worst failure in their lives. Sometimes the fight to do (what we think is) right can literally take the life out of us. Do you really want your children to see you getting more and more run down because you're the only one fighting for your marriage?

There are times when quitting is not an option. I don't see you say that when your hubby says out of line things when he's mad he apologizes for it later. It doesn't seem to me that you'd be quitting in this relationship. There comes a time when you know you have no choice but to walk away from a hopless situation. There's a difference in quitting something you know you have the ability to change and walking away from something that you have no power over changing. You tell your children that should you decide to walk away it does not diminish their fathers love for them in anyway. You say yourself you think he would've bounced if it weren't for the children.

How do you make yourself not want his attention or affection....focus on your children and yourself. Do what's beneficial for the mental well being of you all. Get a new life for yourself and give your kids the life they deserve.....having a healthy mom!  

Answer 8

You both need some professional counseling.You have to let him know how you feel and maybe try to get away together alone. Get a baby sitter and see what happens.

Answer 9

You need to focus more on you and what you want .   Aside from being a mom and wife what would you like to do?

I love photography, fishing , traveling , and hanging out with my friends from time to time.  I don't live through my husband.  We do things together and things apart.

When the children were younger we did things with them and then got a babysitter and went out alone.

Sounds like you are both in a rut.  Try taking the children and going out to a park with them and maybe stopping for some ice cream.  Then see if your mom or his will watch the kids so you can go out to dinner.  It doesn't have to be romantic.  Just time for the both of you.  Then try listening to him and see what is going on.  It might be a work issue, or just that he is tired, or that he likes to just chill when he gets home.  

When you put the kids to sleep go over and ask if he would like a back rub.  Only don't get upset if that's all it turns out to be.  But you rubbing him and touching him might spark a flame.  

Try backing off and see if he doesn't come to you.  My husband doesn't like me to be aggressive.  Maybe he wants to make the first move and not feel so much pressure.  

I  don't think he is rejecting you.  

Why don't you try a day at the spa?  Get relaxed, have a new hair cut, style, or color your hair.  But some new clothes or something s**y for the bedroom.  They don't have to be expensive and there are so many end of the summer sales going on.  

It will make you feel like a new person, he will see the change in you and you  and then see what happens.  

Best of luck .  Remember who you were before you got married !  He feel in love with her !  

Answer 10

did you try to talk to him and ask why?? if he isnt like that before then something and something changed then its time to get to the bottom of that!! its hard to live with someone and not happy with whats he doing...act now before its too late.

good luck

Answer 11

There is no reason for you to forgo affection just because your husband doesn't catch on. You got to start a conversation going with him and make it clear to him that you do not want to be without cuddling and affection. One thing is not clear - has he always been that way or has he changed over time ? If he has always been that way you have to make a decision if you want to continue that way or want out. If he has changed over time, chances are that through patient prodding and possibly with the help of a counselor, you may get him to revert back to the "old times" .  Don't give up on your wants and needs. If he can't help with these basic needs, you may, eventually, consider leaving him. Don't fear the prospects - if you have supportive family you can overcome a divorce even with three kids. Living without affection is misery and you don't deserve it.

Answer 12

Sounds like my marriage!  

I was in the spot that your husband is and I can tell you why I felt the way I did.  

I was angry at my wife.  There are many, many reasons I was angry and for me to write them down here would end up getting me banned from Yahoo do to overloading the servers!  Bottom line is/was finances.  Her spending was and continues to be out of control.  So every month we'd get paid and we got paid good - together we avg. 85K a year, but it seemed like we were always broke.  It was because of the amount of unsecured debt she was carrying that I wasn't aware of.

I resented her for our financial hardships, and I couldn't bring it up because it would result in an argument.  So, communication was lacking.  As the months turned to years, my resentment got worse to the point that I didn't even want to talk to her.

We're now separated and going through a divorce.  I'm going to have to take on a second job to pay off the debt that she acquired and I'm inheriting as part of our state's community property law.  I'm responsible for half of the debt we acquired while married.  

I can talk to you a lot more about what I was feeling and it may help you understand what's going on with your husband.  I'm currently seeing a counselor to help me deal with my feelings and let them go.  She's seeing a counselor as well but to this day, she still doesn't understand the impact her spending had on our marriage.

Feel free to Email me if you'd like.

Answer 13

Your marriage sounds like most of them out there, sad isn't it?

I just left mine and it feels great to have my selfesteem back.

One thing I wish I tried was to be happy and confident without the effection, to somehow keep my chin up even when I was rejected over and over, maybe he would have missed it and yearned it from me.

However, I feel they are childish games.

Over all it is emotional deprivation. This can psychologically damage you in many ways effecting every aspect of your life.

The loneliness and neglect eventually made me bitter and argumentive for no reason. At times I was also very fragile and timid, very unlike my character.

Since seperating, I have my dignity and personality back!!

I agree, divorce is not always the answer, you should try to find out what is bothering him without being overly sensative. Sometimes men are having a hard time at work, this may make him distant or irritable.

It is good of you to put up for the sake of your family, I would do the same if we had children. Try every avenue before considering a break up because your right, it is very hard to divorce.

Remember that relationships change from time to time, your going through this stage now, sometime later in your marriage the tables will turn and things will be different, you have to be strong and hang in there to find out.

Keep yourself busy looking after you and the kids, remember to always be happy and confident even if your not, this will show him that you are self assured, therefore he will gravitate to you more.

Good luck either way!

Answer 14

You'll always want affection and attention from your husband, that's one of the reasons you married him, to have lifelong affection.  If this came about out of no where,then you really need to sit down and talk to him about it or suggest going to a marriage counsellor. If he's always been like this, then he's not going to change. If you entered the marriage knowing that he was a cold person, then you have to figure out if you can deal with it or not...

My boyfriend is sometimes like that.. and it's hard and hurtful, but I know that this is his personality and I have to figure out if I want to deal with it or not.

It sucks, but love is never like the movies!

Answer 15

Hi Brittany I'm right there with you. I've been struggling with this exact situation (with my wife) for several years but (as corny as it sounds) I got some good advice on Y!A and things are looking better. Not an epiphany  / perfect better, but real world, things are going in the right direction better.  Here's what I learned (the sexes here are reversed, obviously, but this may still be helpful):

1 - Women/wifes can easily get overwhelmed & run down with house, kids, work, etc, after years of marriage. When this happens there's not much interest in showing affection or intimicy. They're just too pooped.  They can also easily slip into feelings of resentment toward their husbands for not doing enough, not making enough $, you name it. This can be a downward spiral.

2 - There's not much I can do to change how my wife feels or acts directly.  There's enough questions & answers on here that talk about how you can't change your spouse; they are who they are.  So I've focused on me.  What contributes to my wife's frustration, stress, etc? Can I alleviate any of that?  As it turns out some is easy, like doing MUCH more to help with the housework (instead of spending hours on Y!A for example).  There is a limit to what I can do because I need sleep too, but the ratio of computer putz-around time vs time spent doing producting housework has greatly improved.

Obviously I can't do much about her regrets about not going to med school, not having better self-confidence when she was younger, etc.  These are things we all have to work thru ourselves no matter how supportive our spouses are.  And our financial problems are a continual source of frustration for her, and there's not much more I can do there.  But just helping out more and trying to be more in tune to her has improved our intimacy / emotional attachment a little.  It's a slow road but where before I was ready to give up (i.e. "suck it up" for the sake of the kids), I now have hope that things can get better and that I can have some reasonable level of emotional attachment.  Although there's lots of good advice on Y!A, there are also way too many people who are quick to say life's too short get a divorce and start over.  I guess these people don't have the time invested in a marriage or kids to think about. Sure divorce is an option but not one to be taken lightly.  It will s***w up kids no doubt about it (the same people who say just get a divorce are the ones who say the kids will get over it...). So unless there's abuse or maybe infidelity for me that's an absolute last resort.  You have to balance what's best for your kids: the home environment if you stay together vs the trauma of splitting up.

OK so that's my 2 cents. If you can figure out what is causing your husband's frustration & stress and do what you can to alleviate some of that it's a good 1st step.  Unfortunately we guys put most of our self-esteem into our jobs, so if he's having problems at work there may not be much you can do, other than be supportive and encourage him to get a new job (even if that means a financial setback - let him know you'd rather be happy together and poor than well off but having him miserable/distant).  I'm just guessing it's work related since we guys are fairly simple beings; not much phases us except job or money problems.  Of course it is possible that his issues may be deeper and you can't help him; if so you may have to make some hard decisions down the road.  But don't give up until you've really tried to make a difference.  Even the most emotionally distant couple may be able to reconnect. Love is a funny thing - there are peaks and valleys in every marriage; even when things look really bad, there's still hope if the love is still there. Good luck I hope this help email if you want to chat more.

Answer 16

i think he would have left you already if he did not love you, talk to him and ask what the matter is, tell him your  needs