Confusing Conversation?

Question

Today, my five year old son and I were talking about his mom. During the conversation he said "I will never see her again."

I told him that when he was an adult he would see her again.

He asked if I would drive him, and I said yes.

I am a little freaked out by the ramifications this will have on him emotionally. Right after we discussed it, he felt the need to tell me that I was his favorite mom. I responded by telling him that it is okay to have two favorite moms as we both have different jobs in his life. Is this an example of an adoptee worried about hurting an ap's feelings?

We always have had open discussions about his mom, we keep a picture of her on the fridge.

He asked me what I thought about her and I told her that I thought she was pretty, and smart, and a good person who made wrong choices.

Sometimes it is so hard to know what to say.

Can anyone tell me how they would have handled this situation? I would really like some input.

Answer 1

Dear Sofiacat,

It sounds like you handled it wonderfully, from my pov.  Its very hard to know what to do and say.

My DD is 10 and what seems to be working so far....

Is reminding that i'm an adult and i can take care of myself, so she doesn't have to worry about my feelings in all this.  She is free to feel whatever way she wants, I can handle it.  Its my job to help her with her feelings and NOT her job to help me with mine, since i'm an adult.

I hope that i helped:)

Answer 2

He is soooo conflicted, poor little guy. You said the right things, but try to re-inforce good feelings about birth mom, because if he thinks she is bad, he will think he is bad since he is "of" her. You sound like a good person.

The link is under "divorce" but it has some good points about helping kids in custodial situations. Good luck to all of you.

Answer 3

I have an adopted daughter who is 7 and we have had her for about 2 years.  Leaving the lines of communication open for the child is the best thing to do (just like you did).  As long as she knows you are there she will come to you when she is ready with all her questions or her answers.  I try to teach my daughter not to hate her mom because for the same reason she just made some very bad choices but at the same time made a very good one by letting the child move on and that she may feel different when she is older!  Good Job~

Answer 4

I knew my whole life I would someday reunite. I ate me up inside. Separation hurts. There is no cure to it. I don't know if that was a "sides" answer, but it sounds like one to me. Its sort of like in divorce when my aparents were divorced it was so hard for me to talk good about one, to the other. Because they had that animosity towards eachother. I felt an obligation to each for them to be my favorite without them ever seeking it, infact they would talk good about the other when around me, but its just a feeling I had since they were separated.

Its sort of like that. I'm 27 years old... oh my gosh, i'm 28 HOLY c**p, and I still don't like talking about my natural family to my adoptive family. I just don't.

I feel sad for your son, it hurts to have our mothers not be there for us, and to be in the situation of even having been adopted.

good luck

Answer 5

its a good move telling him he is adopted before he found it out from someone. you know kids can be really insensitive about things like this sometimes. and telling him about his "other mother" shows that your a good mother. you should be proud of yourself instead of giving yourself such a hard time. You're doing the right thing.

Answer 6

wow for a five year old that's pretty.... deep. i would like to see my real parents again. dont take my word for it since i'm only 16 but...

i think you should try to get him to think about other things in life except his mom. i think if he dwells on it too much it will emotionally ruin him. it could be desperation when everyday he knows he isnt going to see his real mom yet. the best you can do is show him that you can be his mother too and that you can love and care just like an actual mom would to her actual child...

this is one thing that i'll actually pray for tonight... i hope all goes well. bless you and i pray for the kid and his sister to get along fine with everyone else in life. i also pray he will see his mom again.

Answer 7

Yes, it sounds like he is trying not to hurt your feelings.  Likely he judges every move he makes, everything he says, by this, if he is like many adoptees.

Secondly, can some contact be arranged with his natural family?  Can the adoption be opened?  Example: starting with an exchange of photographs?  Leading to occasional visits?  There is a book on how to open a closed adoption.  Unless she is a danger to the child, this may be an option and even if she is a danger, would letters and photos from her help him?  

Answer 8

[Is this an example of an adoptee worried about hurting an ap's feelings?]

It can be.

I know that when I was a kid, I never wanted to talk about my Taiwanese parents for fear of making my parents uncomfortable. My mom never discouraged me from talking about it, but...

I just had this impression I wasn't supposed to speak about it because of this "shiny" new life... no complaining about wondering who those "birth" parents are, ya know?

For the record, my mom never shot the "be grateful" tactic at me. But she didn't have to. The fact that I knew I was adopted instinctively made me think "Don't bring it up or it will seem like you are ungrateful."

Hmm. This could be a very good blog entry. Thanks for the unintentional prompt. :D