Confusing? I posted it b4 but didn't get much of a response so...?

Question

Confused...

Confused I am I don't know what to do.

Confused...

Confused because on me this feeling grew.

Confused...

Confused in a way that I can seek no help.

Confused...

Confused that I can't even help myself!

Confused...

Confused so badly that I can only try,

To hide my feelings but yet in my heart cry.

Because I cannot cope with all this pain,

My heart,my mind,my soul have all been slain.

Betrayed and cheated to me these things aren't fair,

Especially when done by someone near.

But I am strong, and so I will pull through,

Because now I refuse...

To be confused...

Especially...

By...

You.

Answer 1

It is kind of overwritten and doesn't flow well, but with a bit of touching up it could be very good.

Answer 2

Over written, to imbalanced the repetiness doe not work here, wrong emotion, sad undertones.

Answer 3

You obviously have talent. Repetition in poetry or music can be very effective. The thing to remember is that words have power, and when overused, lose that power. Perhaps you would consider deleting "confused" from lines 2, 4, 6, and 8, so that the lines don't read like a list and maybe then ending the poem with the word. I actually like this poem and feel that with a little work, it could sound professional.

Answer 4

i love this poem its soo pretty did you right it???

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 5

It's always a joy to read literary criticism by those who cannot spell. It establishes their credentials firmly.

This is another song. As such, you need to pay strict attention to the rhythm and meter. There are a couple of minor metrical glitches in some lines, or so it seemed to me when I read it.  Just because you discontinue the VERY EFFECTIVE use of repetition, doesn't mean you can stop paying attention to the rhythm. I think you can edit out "yet," change "aren't" to ain't.

The first use of "especially" weakens the impact of the second. Since it's the second one that's more important, try another word for the first.

So far this is the second poem/song of yours that I have read. You've got something going on, I'm looking out for you.

Answer 6

I think it's really intriguing.  I enjoyed reading it very much.  ^_^

Oh, yes, and Micheal's right about repeating "Confused..." Those lines are unnecessary.  You'll get the point across just as well using only the full lines between them.

Answer 7

XXXtra Sweet Chocolate,

It is redundant and I hope that this wasn't you having a bad hair day or something! I just hate the fact that 70% of the poetry at this post is negative or heartbroken issues. If you wake up and see enough sunrises as I have, you would start off your day on a good foot! Grade C. Now let's get you on the right track...

GOING ON

You layed love at my feet

I was a fool my heart was getting weak

I had to find out for myself

Was there really someone else?

Was something going on?

I know there's nothing going on.

I tried to cope with the pain

Heart and soul emotions are drained

I refuse to be more confused

Your kind of love will never do

Was something going on?

I know that nothing's going on.

Betrayed and cheated your love ain't fair

Your body was in it but your heart ain't there

And now I know that you did me wrong

So don't hold your breath too long

Was something going on?

There's nothing going on...

Was something going on?

There's nothing going on...

Be a stronger woman! I know you ain't no pushover, so let me feel it when you write... Ciao!

Answer 8

I liked your poem but it is confusing with all those unnecessary words in there!  You have one very good comment by a reader here that you would be wise to consider--Jeff Jacob Lourie he has given you so very valuable advise !!!  Cheers !!!

Answer 9

Get rid of the first 6 lines that simply say "Confused..."

Its pointless and all it does is annoy the reader and give me sore eyes. Then you will have yourself a pretty good poem.