Confusion.... <span title="marriage.....babies.....job......etc">marriage.....babies.....j...</span> etc?

Question

Is it normal to feel confused about life?

What i mean is that i have so many things that i want to do, but they all clash with each other, how do i go about knowing what i want and just going for it? Here's some of my predicaments:

Im engaged to get married 10th April 2010 and plan to do it the right way - marriage - House - Babies but we want children in the next year.

I am confused as to whether i should go for my degree and become a teacher or to set up my own business which has been on the cards for the last two years.

We both work full time and we wouldnt be able to afford for me to be a stay at home mum so is teaching right for me, or running my business from home where i can be with my child full time and not have to pay child care?

We are saving money at the moment as we are living with parents but want to move out to start a family but we cannot buy a house as we both have bad credit, and wont pay high interest rates on a mortgage. And we cannot stay with his parents if we have a child as there is no room. and they are looking to sell in the next year.

We do have money saved in the bank so we could move out tomorrow if we wanted to and we could have a baby, i could bring my wedding forward and disapoint a few people and 'do it the right way' marriage then baby, and then we could rent, then buy in 6 years when we have chance to build a good credit file. But then what do i do about uni or my own business.

Its just one big predicament. Ultimately i want the house marriage and children, but i dont want my children to want for anything and thats why i wanted a career in teaching, but that is inpractical as we could not afford to have children until i'm qualified hence the reason for a home run business as i wouldnt have to wait four years.

Has anybody got any ideas, or been in this situation and managed to sort themselves out, if so what did you do?

I am a very analytical person and a perfectionist and i like things planned, i think thats why im asking, should i just forget about planning it all and go woth the flow, i really dont know aaaahhhh, help x

Answer 1

sometimes life doesnt pan out the way that you would like as you say you want to do it right and get married first.have you ever considered your degree first before you get  married as weddingsno are expensive at least if you had your deegree you would be able to get a good job and maybe save for your house which on my list would be the next important thing as you have said you wouldnt be able to stay with family if you got married and nobody wants to be a newly wed and have nowhere to live or have to live seperatly as my grandmother used to say GOD is good what he has planned for you you cant change so dont worry about it if your life goes the way you want its supposed to if not he has other ideas for you

Answer 2

Don&#039;t rush having children. Once you have them you can&#039;t turn back. Teaching sounds like a good idea for your situation. If you become a teacher, get a couple of years experience, you can take maternity leave and work from home. Then once your kids start school you could go back to teaching as you&#039;ll get school vacations, etc.

Setting up your business at the same time as having a newborn could be a recipe for disaster. Both are extremely stressful and the chances of a new business surviving is slim without this added pressure (although I can&#039;t really comment on your particular situation as I don&#039;t know your business). If you&#039;re going to set up a business- do it before you have kids or when they are not babies/toddlers.

Answer 3

Um, whats the rush? If you  guys have to move out and get an apartment, then do so. Go to school, get an education, have a career, get married and then have a baby. See the order. Don&#039;t rush to have a baby. Work on yourselves, fix your credit.

Answer 4

Be a stay at home mom and do childcare in home.  If you get licensed you can make somewhere around $200/child.  It sounds like you like children if you are looking into pursuing education.

Answer 5

what would you be happy doing for the rest of your life, thats the career path you should choose.

we didnt have anything when we were kids but as we got older about 10years old dad made something of himself. looking back i dont care that we didnt have much. we would have been happy playing with a cardboard box. Im just glad he doesnt look back with regret that he could have done something more.

Its funny how you always manage to cope even when you think you wont. i know many of people that have gone to uni with small children. Yes at times its difficult but also enjoyable and so worth while for their future.

Dont worry so much about plans as you never know whats around the corner. Life is a journey not a destination

Answer 6

You seem to have an idea of what you want, but aren&#039;t able to prioritize those things you want to achieve.  Here&#039;s some thoughts on priorities:

1)  Whatever desires you have to gain an education or start a business would be best done now.  I would suggest getting your degree before starting  business.  If the business does not workout, then you would have the degree as a fall-back.  As you get older, or have other demands on your life such as job, house, children, it will become increasingly more difficult to get a degree.  Get your education before you do anything else.

2)  I think people need their own space, both you and your partner, and his parents.  After completing school and getting married, move out.  If you can&#039;t afford a house, rent.

3)  Once you have moved out, establish your business and save for a house.  Purchase a few small items and repay on-time to develop good credit.  You could have a child at this point, but with the demands from parenting, it will be more difficult to start a business and to save money.

4)  Save money and buy a home.

5)  Have children.

You might say that this is the &quot;right way&quot; that you already know.  It&#039;s the right way only because it is the logical way that works that requires the least amount of struggling.  Unless you are well over 30, you should have plenty of time for children.  You need to become independent now so that you and your children are not a burden to parents later.  You can&#039;t build a house without a foundation and that is what you are suggesting in skipping steps.

Answer 7

Wow, you&#039;re planning a long way ahead for a wedding. That is some stress. Why the rush on children? Don&#039;t do it. Children complicate matters, in both good ways and sometimes frustrating ways. Go to school, get your degree. Work with children if you are feeling that parenting urge. If you can&#039;t afford to move out, how will you afford to feed and clothe and care for a child? A baby nonetheless. Confusion in life is normal and even a greater reason to WAIT!  Do not have a child and bring it into one of your parents&#039; homes. A child is your responsibility. Really you should wait. You didn&#039;t say what age you are, but there is a wonderful book for people in their early twenties called Quarter life Crisis. You might want to seek some pre-marital counseling as well, either with a professional, church, or community program. Look into some financial planning as well. There is a lot to take care of to set yourselves up well before you bring another life into the world. And children will want for love, so don&#039;t worry if you can&#039;t buy them the latest video game or the hundred dollar shoes. But you do need to be able to provide the basics of love, food, shelter, clothing, warmth. Do not have children yet!

Answer 8

It&#039;s normal to be confused.  You sound like your excitement has carried you away and you aren&#039;t thinking clearly.

whether you believe in having children before or after marriage doesn&#039;t matter at this point because you said that you and your BF are living with parents and it sounds like your finances aren&#039;t in that good of shape.  Because of this, it&#039;s a bad idea to have kids at this time.

1.  you can rent, you don&#039;t have to buy.  It&#039;s only a good idea to buy when you know that you are going to be in an area for 5 years or longer.  any less rent.

2.  you&#039;re just getting started in your careers and don&#039;t know where those jobs will ulitmately take you.  So buying a permanent place now is a bad move in your case.

3.  why do you have bad credit?  Do you not pay your bills on time?  Do you live outside of your means?  Do you have a lot of credit card debt?  You need to focus on fixing that.  Pay your bills on time.  Live within a budget that you can afford--live below your means, not above it.  Stop using credit cards--save them for emergencies or only buy things that you pay off in full at each statement period.  Yes people with bad credit and massive debt have children but they also have a lot of extra stress they don&#039;t need and their lives are not enjoyable when they spend an unusually large amount of time worrying and wrestling with money issue.  Get a handle on your money issues and you&#039;ve eliminated one of the biggest marriage busters.

4.  &quot;I don&#039;t want my children to want for anything...&quot;  What does that mean?  Children want everything under the sun.  They are selfish little critters who demand a great deal of time and attention and want lots of stuff.  Are you talking about giving them stuff or are you talking about what&#039;s important?  Love, shelter, clothes, food, education--that&#039;s what they need and that&#039;s what you need to make sure they aren&#039;t wanting in.  They don&#039;t need the XBox or latest version of Guitar Hero (which I love BTW) or the 50&quot; plasma TV in their bedrooms or their own cell phones at age 5.  Learn the difference between having what you need and having what you want.  Find a happy balance there.

Sounds like you need to learn restraint and about delaying gratification.  After reading this question, I&#039;d advise you to focus on getting your own place, paying off your debt and clearing up your credit and learning how to manage your money while you plan for your 2010 wedding.  You also need to decide what kind of career if any you want.  You don&#039;t know if you want to teach, be a SAHM, or work from home.  It&#039;s best to research your options so you can make a better decision for you and your life plans.  

You may want kids, but you really aren&#039;t ready for them yet.  

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 9

Honestly, your points are incredibly valid and you really remind me of myself in this way. However, I must say that you&#039;re stressing too much.

Teaching is a rewarding career. My good friend is a teacher and loves the fact that she can be home by 3pm, has the summers off and has peace of mind when it comes to needing time off, etc.

Owning a business is incredibly competitive and not stable, especially at the very beginning. This isn&#039;t to say that you should go for teaching and not own a business. However I truly think you should finish your degree and go for your teacher&#039;s certification. You can definitely start your own business slowly on the side and when you&#039;re on mat leave.... if it picks up the power to you, if it doesn&#039;t you go back to work.

Also, I&#039;m not sure if all schools offer this, but my friend now has three kids and is considering to possibly be a part-time teacher as of next year. This doesn&#039;t mean that she&#039;d be a substitute (here they&#039;re too different ministries and it&#039;s hard to go back to permanent when you&#039;re downgraded to substitute)... She&#039;d simply be teaching a specific subject part time and be home by 12 or so... amazing huh!

Another thing to keep in mind... running a business takes a long time and patience... you have to remember that it will not be the same as a stable job right from the very beginning and if you can ease into it part-time and transfer to full-time when it picks up it&#039;ll be much better for you and your family.

All the very best.

Answer 10

First of all, you need to realize that there is no &quot;right&quot; way to do anything- everyone has their own timetable.  But, like you, I prefer the &quot;natural order&quot; of things and have also elected to get married before thinking about such things as mortgages and children.

The top priority in your mind should be your degree.  Education is a very important thing, as you know, and you can&#039;t put a price on a good education.  Sure, you may want to start a family right away, but with the economy being how it is, you can&#039;t always rely on your husband to be the sole breadwinner, and there may come a time when you have to get back to work, and having a degree will make that a lot easier for you to earn what you need.

Secondly, you didn&#039;t mention your age, but if you&#039;re under 30, there&#039;s no reason to rush about the whole baby thing.  Nothing wrong with just being happily married for a couple years before the babies start coming along.  I&#039;ll be nearly 30 when I get married next year, but I still plan to give our marriage a couple of years before introducing babies into the mix.

As for the mortgage, as I mentioned before, this is one of the worst economies in the past few decades- don&#039;t feel bad about having to maybe live in an apartment or rental home for a few years before you can afford a house.  It&#039;s still better than living with your parents, because a newly married couple needs privacy and time to form their own little household.  You&#039;ll just end up putting undue financial and emotional stress on your marriage if you rush into becoming homeowners before you can really afford it.  Just rent a nice apartment (there are many out there that are very nice and in good neighborhoods) and keep on saving for your down payment.  Look for foreclosure properties in your area, which are going for quite cheap these days.  Some friends of mine just bought a foreclosure for like $120,000, which is very inexpensive for a house where I live (Denver.)

My final piece of advice to you is to try to let some of that perfectionism go.  As the saying goes, &quot;Life is what happens while you&#039;re making other plans.&quot;  It&#039;s practically impossible to plan every aspect of your future, and sometimes making rigid plans about these things can lead to feelings of failure or disappointment when everything doesn&#039;t go exactly to plan.  Once again, you&#039;re putting lots of stress on yourself and your partner if you don&#039;t allow for deviations from the plan every once in a while.  Good luck to you both!

Answer 11

Not sure how old you are but all I can say is slow down! There&#039;s no rush to do any of the above, you may find if you rush out and do one thing after another, always having the &#039;next goal&#039; in your mind, you might get them all out of the way and find you&#039;ve nothing else to do...

Best order in my opinion would be to finish uni, get yourself a career, do well at it for some time, that way you can save up the money for your house, eventually buy it and move in, then spend more time working and saving, then eventually have your baby(ies) and you&#039;ll have the money to back you up plus the experience / career to go back to once your kids are growing up.

As far as setting up your own business, it is very risky, and no guarantee of success, no matter how sure you are it will work. If it works it will reward you loads but if it fails you will be left with nothing, having a career is far better in that respect as you&#039;ve always got something you can go back to and rely on.

(plus it&#039;s far less stressful!)