Considering open adoption with a close friend?

Question

I'm now 22 weeks pregnant and due to the circumstances of the conception and just life in general i've decided to have the baby adopted. I have a very close friend who has been trying to have kids for over 10 years unsuccessfully. She and her husband adopted a newborn about 2 years ago. They are going to adopt this baby as well. She is one of my dearest friends and I'm starting to think about what it's going to be like after the baby is born. I just have a feeling it's going to be awkward. I want to talk to her about it but i don't know how to. she is an amazing person and a great parent so there was no question when it came to her wanting to adopt the baby. I"m just wondering when it comes to me being around how close is too close or how often is too often. Tho I am the birth mother I don't want to cross that line. How do i approach this?

Answer 1

I think it must be wonderful for both you and your friend that you have chosen to have her adopt your baby. I understand your question and I think you are very wise to be considering it. I also think there are built in concerns over how this will impact your friendship because there is no question that this is a huge stress for both of you. I'm sure your friend is concerned about everything you are concerned about, and has her own fears and questions as well. I truly think you should seek out the advice of a really good therapist and go to see her/him alone and with your friend (and her husband). You need a place to work out your feelings and your fears and your questions -- as well as being able to set down some guidelines for what the expectations and assumptions are. I think you need someone who has experience with adoption issues but also just a really good therapist. I am not talking about some Freudian guy to look into your past and all your deep seated issues -- but, someone who is good at their job and can listen well and advise you as needed. Find someone you like and feel trusting towards. Don't spend time wasted on someone you have mixed feelings about or feel negatively towards. There are loads of therapists out there and most are just okay. Some are bad of course and unfortunately but, if you are fortunate enough to find someone who is excellent you will benefit tremendously. This is a major life situation and you deserve and need to be heard, understood and supported -- and so does your friend. The communication between you needs to be honest and sincere and open. Good luck.

Answer 2

You need to be aware that this will change your relationship with your friend.  

Open adoptions WORK.  They work very well... but they are a LOT of effort to maintain.  Those boundaries of who is is mom and who is not are often difficult to abide by, and how will you feel if she is raising your son in ways you don't agree with? Not necessarily big things either.. but little ones.

Awkward is a good word for how the first year or so is going to feel.  That first year, you are going to need to give them time to become a family.  

Talk about this NOW with her, because trying to maintain a friendship through an adoption is going to be terribly difficult.  

TELL her you're worried about what this will do to your friendship.  

ASK her how she handled it with her first adoption... work out rules for contact now.. like:  Should I call before I come? How often is too often in the beginning?  Can we agree to have "dates" when you get a sitter, so we can maintain our friendship without the baby between us?

Tell her what you told us: You are "an amazing person and a great parent so there was no question when it came to (you) wanting to adopt the baby. I"m just wondering when it comes to me being around how close is too close or how often is too often. Tho I am the birth mother I don't want to cross that line"

She's been thought this before, and she is the expert on her family, and their needs.   She'll understand that you have questions about the mechanics of the relationship after the baby is born.  She's probably been waiting for you to ask.

Answer 3

As an adopted child, I would look upon your role as maybe "Aunt".  The level of your involvement should be as much or as little as you and the adoptive mother are comfortable with.  If you are okay with someone else raising your baby and that baby calling them mom and can deal with seeing that day after day (I couldn't) then just have the baby call you Aunt.  Leave the explanations for when the baby starts asking questions.  Be open and honest about your role and the adoptive parents role.  Make sure he/she knows you love it and would have raised it if it had been possible.  No matter how uncomfortable you are with talking about the adoption you are going to have to.  The relationship will not work out if you and the adoptive parents don't have all of the questions and potential problems talked about before hand.

Answer 4

there is no easy way to approach this subject. it's a hard one, but it's one that has to be talked about. i would suggest that you sit down and write a list of questions that you want answered before seriously entertaining the idea of letting her adopt your child. you will need to know things like, how often will she let you see the child if at all? how included in he child's life do you want to be? do you want to be auntie ____ if they decide to let you? are they going to tell the child later that you are actually the birth mother? there are a thousand ?'s that i could list. all these are going to be very important.

Answer 5

I have a very good friend that had a baby for me and my husband. She knows she and her family are welcome to come by as often as she would like to. She doesn't come around as much anymore. I actually bring the baby to her dad's house ( he lives across the street from her) so that he and her aunt can visit with Emily.  Me and Emily's (my daughter) bio. aunt run around together. I think as Emily grow's she will see that she is loved by sooo many different people. The bio mother acts  as if Emily is just a friends child when we go visit with her, that is good but it must deep down be somewhat hard for her as well. She has two other children of her own (Emily's full sister and a half brother) I have kept her sister here with us for as long as a week at a time. I want her to be close with them as well. The Bro., sister, grand father and aunt were all here for her 1st birthday party.

You just have to know in your heart you're doing the right thing. If you are as good friends as you say you are then don't let this get in the way of your friendship. Sara (bio mother) has been great,. It's like she has totally siked herself or something. Sometimes i have to ask her if i am bringing Emily around too much. I haven't been over there in months now but am across the street often.

Just go with your heart and always keep the communication open. Don't be afraid your going to hurt feelings, step on toes and most of all don't feel like you have to walk on egg shells around the adoptive parents.

If you would like to talk more about this feel free to email me

Rebecca_l_kelly@ yahoo.com

Good luck and may God Bless you :)

Rebecca

Answer 6

The best way to ease your fears is to address them straight on.

Yes, it will be akward...however, if you and your friend are committed to making the situation work, it will.

Write down your expectations, hopes, and dreams of the adoption.  SHARE them with your friend.

Encourage her to do the same.

THEN, you can have a "level playing field" so to speak in what you wish...and what she wishes.

For instance, say you want to be involved in the child's life...ask what their level of openness would be to visits and the like.

You may only want cards at the holidays and pictures...they might be expecting you want more or less.

They've already adopted before, so they're more experienced with this...so ask them what would be crossing the line or not  with both of your expectations and coming to a mutual agreement (then get it in writing with an attorney) is the best thing to do.

Answer 7

"Open adoptions" are not enforcable by law.

You might be calling the shots now, but your 'friend' will be in the driver's seat after the adoption is finalized.

I would bet a good chunk of change that this new mother of your child will not be your 'friend' anymore.

You should keep your baby.  I think you'll be sorry you didn't.

Answer 8

you need to sit down with your friend (the adopting mother) and tell her how you feel. you need to make a contract so you dont cross the line. it has worked for a friend of mine. when she was a child she saw her birth mom once a week. good luck to all of you.

Answer 9

The time will come when the child will want answers. Can you honsetly be ready for that? Are you really sure that you can't raise this baby? I mean life sucks sometimes and can give us lemons- but is the circumstances really that bad where you can't be involved in this child's life. What will happen when the child gets older and wonders why they look like you and not the people that took care of them. I really want you to think about this the decsion you are making is not affecting you only it does affect the child. I would suggest you talk to your friend and tell her how you feel. I would also suggest that the both of you agree on what you will say to this child when it gets older.

Answer 10

You need to talk with them about this, write down what you want. How often do you want to see this baby, monthly, weekly? For how long? Would you like to take this baby for awhile? Do you want to be involved in anything ?

When they say you can see the baby whenever you want, I'm sure they don't mean daily or for hours and hours at a time.

It's important you 3 are on the same page. This will make you feel more at ease. One thing you need to understand is once it's finalized, it's no longer your baby. Are you okay with this?

Answer 11

First, you need to figure out what kind of relationship that you want with your child.  This is your child, so it is your choice.  I strongly recommend that you see a counselor to explore your feelings about your relationship with your child after you relinquish him/her to your friend.  Every person is different so every person will handle the situation differently.

After you decide what relationship you feel is best for you and your child, I strongly recommend that you and your friend sit down with a third party (could be another friend or a pastor) and put your planned relationship in writing and have both of you sign it.  I know that she is a trusted friend, but I seen a lot of these relationships turn bad for the "birth" family because the adoptive parents get jealous and feel threatened.  I have seen this is family, friend, and stranger adoptions.

Good luck and I hope for the sake of your child that you are able to have an ongoing relationship with him/her.