Constructive Criticism?

Question

I am in need of some constructive criticism, and opinions on this poem that I wrote for English, they want to publish it but I need more help with what people truly think.

She walked away with nothing left

Broken, beaten

Heart, shattered like plate-glass.

She wanders helplessly

She's alone, no one's there

Entering into a h**l like abyss

She feels as though shes dreaming

Sauntering, falling

She freezes within the fire

No words, no sound, she's alone

Leaving a hellish nightmare

She escapes to the unknown

Her blind eyes scream in silence

Pleading, threatening, longing to escape

A world with no regrets

She continues on

Never looking back

The fear controlling her every thought

Her heart controlling her every move

She knows no different

She continues to follow the enemy

Around and 'round, until she falls onto the ground

In that final moment, She'll finally see

The only enemy she had

Was me.

BreeAnna Bodkin

(Copyrighted by me ) 2008

Answer 1

She knows no different <-- she knows no difference

Her blind eyes scream in silence <-- eyes don't scream

The circle of abuse and lonliness, the need to try to find safety and redemption.  . .  it is very good.

Why is the only enemy she had "Me" -- that's the only line that leaves me wondering.   I doubt it would confuse others.

T.

Answer 2

it was too plain....none of the stanzas really grabbed me, there was no really consistent flow to this poem, it read more like a story, but without a poetic flow or rhyme scheme or anything to it.

I would re write every sentence and add detail and depth to evoke emotion from the reader...

Sauntering, falling

She freezes within the fire

No words, no sound, she's alone??????

I mean..if you are 12 years old, then it is a good effort....but c'mon this is pretty average.

Answer 3

that was really good! :)