Consuming, failure is always looming - poem i wrote?

Question

You work so hard

But nothing sticks

Failure is constant

Inescapable, consuming

Fear is always looming

Like a dark shadow at night

Lying next to you on your pillow

Your soul is slowly dying

Slowly suffocating

As your constantly debating

With every thought that pass by

Long into the night that haunts you

Into the sweet morrow

That finally consoles you

A glimmer of light guides you

You start your day the same old way

And no longer feel ill

As there is that little glimmer of light

That shines bright no matter the battles you faced

As the failures can always be erased

And in time you will see

Nothing matters anymore but you

The way you’re thinking

The way you’re feeling

And the way you lay in bed at night dreaming

Answer 1

Yes, you have some very nice touches in this...I particularly like the 'dark shadow at night/lying next to you on your pillow'

(last line of this verse, should be 'you're' not 'your' - just a typo, I realise)

With every thought....should it be ....passes by?  That reads better.

Into the sweet morrow, sounds lovely, but a bit Shakespearean...Into the sweet tomorrow, sounds just as good but fits the poem better.

The line 'And no longer feel ill' is a little weak...ill, sounds like you've had a physically bad night (sickness or something) whilst the rest of the poem is about matters of the mind....could you try other words here?

This is a very worthy poem.  I look forward to seeing more from you.

Answer 2

A nice poem, Glad you included hope of a new dawn, Dream

on. Think of all "failures" as life lessons to be improved upon.

Answer 3

Ash,

Great poem. I love it.

Thanks for sharing your talent. Have a great day!

Third P