Contacted by adoptive parents?

Question

When i was young i gave up my daughter to a nice couple who wanted a child. We agreed not to do an open adoption but 2 days ago the adpotive mother contacted me and said my 15 yr old daughter wants to meet me. The adoptive mother was distraught about this and made me feel guilty, i would not mind meeting my daughter but it seems that her mom does not want this to happen. Why would she track me down and ask me how i feel about this if she was so upset about this? I am not sure what i should do. Has any one had this happen? Any ideas on how to handel this would be appreciated. Thank You

Answer 1

I think it is your daughter's decision.  Not her adoptive mother's.  That said, you should not make amom feel bad about her insecurities.  Assure her that in no way will you ever replace her as the mother she is.  But let her know that she should be sensitive to her daughter's need to know who you are.  If amom denies her daughter this, she will resent her.  But if she allows it, she will create a stronger bond with both her daughter and you.

Answer 2

Clearly despite her feelings she is putting her child first otherwise she just would not have contacted you. I would speak to her again try to reassure her You probably have mixed emotions as well, let her know that.   Then depending on where you both live you can agree to meet up for lunch or something.   I am sure her mother would feel more comfortable being there to or at least in close proximity, after all you are a stranger even if you are this girls birthmother.

Answer 3

You seem to be a very sensible person.

I suggest that you tell the adoptive mom to wait until the child is 18, or even 21, and then the kid can contact you if she still wants to and has better tools for handling life.  15 year old kids do not make family decisions.

Good luck to you.

Answer 4

By all means, make contact your/her daughter! Tell her adoptive mom that you are glad she cares enough about your/her daughter to contact you. Allow her to voice her concerns and involve her in the process. Assure her that you are ok with being contacted and let her know that you appreciate everything she has done and is doing for your/her daughter. Respect her feelings but do the right thing for your/her daughter and be available to her. I think this could be a very positive thing for your/her child as well as for you and the adoptive mom. The adoptive mother is probably a little hurt/nervous but is definitely trying to do what she thinks is best for your/her  kid. That in itself is very commendable. It is sweet of you to be concerned for the adoptive mother's feelings; just make sure your/her daughters feelings are the most important. Don't ignore her because of being worried about the adoptive mom. Once she sees that both of you have the child's best interests at heart and that you are not a threat, all of you can have a positive and supportive relationship - how wonderful for you/her daughter!! It sounds as if you are already thinking about and respecting each other and that is a great start!! Best of luck!

Answer 5

The adoptive mother probably feels ambiguous about this. She may feel threatened that her daughter wants to meet you, but at the same time wants to support her daughter and realizes this is important for her. By contacting you I would say she's in favor of your meeting, even if she isn't thrilled about it. If you would like to meet your daughter I think you should. The adoptive mom wouldn't have contacted you if she was totally against it.

Answer 6

Talk with the adoptive mother first about her own concerns - she sounds torn - she got in touch with you, but you are getting vibes that she'd rather you stay away. Personally, I believe that everyone has the right to know where they come from - it could help your daughter answer a lot of questions about herself and her identity. I also understand the adoptive mother's struggle. So how could this be reconciled? The adoptive mother probably has some very specific worries about how this could affect her relationship with the daughter. Counselling would be beneficial, but if you ask her the right questions and listen with open, honest care, then I'm sure the two of you will figure it out. What is really important to both of you right now? You may not be very far apart...

Answer 7

She shows that regardless of how she feels she is putting the child's feelings and needs above her own. I'm sure she has many concerns and mixed emotions regarding the two of you meeting. As I am sure you also do. I guess first you have to decide if you want to meet her. Then when you have made a decision you need to contact her (the mom) and the two of you need to set down and really talk about each of your feelings and concerns. Then come to an agreement on when and

how this should happen. Good luck

Answer 8

I am an adoptive mother of my 16 yr old son.  I have an absolutely wonderful relationship with my son.  We met his birthmorther when he was 15.  I was so happy for this meeting to take place.  He always knew he was adoptive and this wonderful lady had him for me, when I could not carry him.  He wanted to find her when Katrina hit the gulf coast.  He knew she lived there and was worried, so we posted with the Red Cross.  Her grandparent also posted to locate her and we called the grandparents.  What a beautiful story this has become and now WE are an extended family...Good Luck with your adventure and open your arms to the adoptive family.  Make them feel comfortable and love them for giving your birth child a loving and caring home.  Do not make them feel threatened by you...That is why the adoptive mother is torn...she is afraid of losing her daughter back to you...It is sometimes normal for the adoptive mother to have feelings of insecurty...help her along...

Answer 9

Hi Albany,

That's a very good question.  Although the adoptive mother has contacted you, it does not appear as though she is really ready for a reunion to happen between you and your daughter if she is trying to make you feel guilty about it.  She could feel threatened by you.  I think at the back of many adoptive parent's minds is the fear that they will lose their adopted child to the natural family.

Adoption is supposed to be about the adoptee's needs, not the adoptive parent's needs.  All of the adults need to put the adoptee's needs first.  If your daughter feels she needs to meet you, I'm sure she has her reasons.  Being an adoptee myself, I can totally understand why.  I also believe it will give her peace of mind to do so.  The question really is when you should meet, not if you should meet.  The teen years can be difficult for anyone.  I'm sure she has many additional questions that you could help her with that will help her develop her identity.  She probably has health concerns, ethnicity questions, heritage questions, etc.  Just seeing you will mean more to her than you can ever imagine.  

Although not legally required, if a reunion is going to be arranged now, you should consider including the adoptive parents since she is still a minor.  After age 18, the two of you may negotiate for yourselves, what kind of relationship to have with each other.  My suggestion is to at least meet with her at some point.  If the adoptive mother is still feeling insecure, you may have to reassure her that you do not intend to assume any parenting duties.  You are only thinking of what is best for your daughter.  Good luck to all of you.  Hope this helps.  

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 10

what they said works ^^^^^^^

Answer 11

Well, I'm 15 and I would guess that your daughter is in a very difficult emotional time in this point in her life and feels a very strong need to know who you are.

I think I can understand how the adoptive mother feels. She is seeing her daughter's emotional situation every day and that she contacted you for her is I'm sure very difficult for her both because of her own feelings about you and her relationship and also because she is worried about her daughter being hurt even more.

You know already that she is contacting you because she loves her daughter and sees her hurting and knows she wants to meet you.

So I think it would be good if you talked to her (mother) at length and try to get an idea of what the situation is with your daughter and let her know that you would like to meet your daughter and answer any questions she may have as best you can.

Also try to reassure the mom that you are concerned about your daughter's happiness and well being first and that you are not going to cut in and disrupt her place as a parent or compete with her for your daughter's affection and trust. You can expect she is going to have some anxieties like that.

When you feel you have some connection with the mom than you 2 can talk about how best for your daughter to meet you.

I think as much as is possible or realistic that your daughter should decide when and where and how to meet. Of course I don't know if you live close enough that you can meet for lunch or far enough that someone has to catch a flight so I can't have any opinion beyond that about organising the meeting.

If she wants to bring her mom, fine, if not fine. She probably will not.

I'm sure you already can imagine that you will be meeting a very anxious and confused and scared girl when you meet your daughter. The only advice I can offer is try not to be suprised or shocked by what she says or how she acts and listen and answer her questions the best you can.

And Hey, she's your daughter so don't be afraid to ask her about herself too!

*hugs* Good luck and I wish you all the best :)

Answer 12

The adoptive mother cannot stop a mother and daughter from meeting up. Your daughter has a right to know where she comes from, and if you are ok with it, then there shouldn't be a problem. But first, maybe talk to the adoptive mother to understand her concerns.

Answer 13

not me personally but i do know that when my brothers and sister were adopted their adopted parents had adopted another child..at 16 their adopted mother helped her find her birth mother..after a month or two the adopted mother cut off contact...i found this out in my own search when i called the adoption agency for the state of ky..they didnt tell me anything names or how to get in touch with my people...just that story..anyway when i did finally find  my sister last year..i asked her about it..she said and these are her words not mine..that their adopted mother was evil and felt threatened...

i would think that in this situation..obviously your daughter by birth is going to find you...it will either be now..or at some point in the future...having been that girl...if you want to meet her..i would...it will give her some peace...most of us that i know or have talked to at length dont necessarily want anything more than to know who they are and where they came from...i would def talk to the birth mother at length and not give the child any info to where she could track you down after you meet...perhaps use the parents as a go between when she wants to tell you something..it would be a hard thing to do i think on their part..because they obviously want whats best for her and i know you do too...good luck

Answer 14

What matters is how the child feels.  I too, was keen to meet my mother at that age, and if I'd had the chance it would have prevented much of the identity crisis I had through the teen years

The adoptive mother needs reassurance that she is not being replaced.  Any good mother would do what is best for her child and I think it's important to end the fantasy world and answer the many many questions your daughter has, rather than putting it off because it makes the adoptive parent uncomfortable.

I really believe that a reunion will make the bond stronger between her and her adoptive mother, I know I appreciate my adoptive mother's support and we are closer as a result.   Kindness and reassurance are all that are needed and it will be OK

ETA:  since when was talking to your own mother a 'family decision' LOL  alert: control freak whose kids will resent him for purposefully ensuring his kids will never know their origins (Mr C)

Answer 15

The adoptive mom probably feels confused. She had a long time to bond with your daughter and probably feels hurt that she wants to meet you, almost like she feels she is being left behind.  Talk with the adoptive mom and see if you can meet your daughter. whether or not she wants it to happen, she will probably respect yours and your daughter's wishes and let you see each other...