Could I please have your advice on my parents?!

Question

Basically, I moved out of home 8 months ago to live with my partner of 2 years. I didnt have a happy time at home. My dad is an 'In-denial Alcoholic', Jekyll and Hyde personality and very agressive when drunk. I have witnessed him hit my mum, break my mums hand, hit her with his belt. He has hit me and my sister. I was always scared of him growing up. He put alot of pressure on me throughout school, so much so I was at the doctors suffering with panic attacks. He called me a liar when I told him.... They have always been very opinionated people and they have always felt the need to make negative digs about everything in my life!!

They made my life h**l with my first relationship of 3 years and they have tried to do the same with my current relationship. Their excuse is that they dodnt agree with the age gap, I am 20 and my partner is 28.

My partner has always made an effort with my parents, but regardless of all his efforts they always seem to find something to pick at. For example, I am very close to my partners parents and my parents get very jealous. My dad met my partners dad for literally the space of 5mins and all he did was make snide comments afterwards!! I was so angry because all my partners parents do is support myself and my through thick and thin. They financially helped us get our first house together and sorted nearly ALL our furniture for us. My parents offered NOTHING, They didnt even offer to help me move my things out of home. Oh no wait they suppied the bin bags! Money has been tight and we needed a washing machine, so my parents bought us one, but i wish they hadnt now because everytime we argue they throw that in my face!!

I I have always held a grudge against my dad for the things hes done. My mum will always stick up for him though. When hes drunk she says hes JUST TIRED!! We go family meals and my dad turns up pissed and verbally puts me down infront of everyone! My partner has to bite his tongue an awful lot!

It has got to the point now where my partner does not want to make the effort anymore and has suggested I try cutting my parents off to make them realise how much they upset me. I keep trying to talk to my partner about re-locating to try resolve my problems, but dont know if that would help?

The final straw was last sunday, we went to a family bbq for my mums bday and within 5 mins me and my parents were arguing. I was asked if i miss living at home, in which i replied "no i really enjoy my independence" my mum clearly saw her a*se and replied "Well whos to say i want you back!! You'll end up in sheltered homing, theres plenty of sheltered homing for you!!" no-one found her comments funnny and she embarrassed herself more than anything. They are convinced that my relationship is going to come to an end, but they are so narrow-minded that they fail to see that I am so happy and found the man I am going to marry. He is the best thing that happened to me and I am at my whits end with my parents now! I text my mum on Monday to let her know how im feeling and she simply replied that it is my AGE! She has since text me acting like nothing has happened and I have chosen to ignore her and not replied since. It is my dads birthday next week too and I feel like i dont want to celebrate tthat either Any advice ?!?!?!?

Answer 1

To be frank, you are in an awful situation, if i was you i would move out somewhere with my partner. and leave my parents to be it. what kind of rents are they? no offence but that is soooo terrible.

i would start a new life and take my partner with me.

but that is what I would do..

what about U..

Ur choice. This **** life which might make u lose ur partner because he will have enough. or Go be happy with ur partner.

upto u .. BEST OF LUCK x*x

Answer 2

Ouch. And I thought my family were difficult.

Your parents are self-deluding, and really hate that you have found someone you are putting before them, and that you're happy despite them. It must be hard that people you love are like this towards you.

Your partner is right to suggest completely cutting them off, and I would agree with him. This seems to be the only real option. But there is this issue of a washing machine, and I suggest finding a way of paying them back the money for that, rather than getting into an argument about whose parents paid for what in your home.

As for your father's birthday, simply ignore it, and don't take calls from your parents or anyone in your family.

There's 8 years between you and your partner. That's not a major gap at all. There was 18 years between my parents, and for all the turbulence in the home, they loved each other dearly and were married for 35 years until my father died.  

Answer 3

Your parents are out of control, limit your time around them because they are just a negative force.  Stop putting yourself in positions that lead you to be humiliated and also pushing your husband to the edge, he'll end up doing something he'll regret.

Answer 4

Yea I would ties with my parents if they were like that and just bond to your new ones but seek a therapist to work on your neglect and abuse issues

Answer 5

In your situation i would relocate if it were possible. All the negativity will weigh you down and if you relocate you wouldn't need to see your parents as much. You have found someone who cares about you and are starting a new life, talk to your mum and tell her how you feel and that if she doesn't start being more positive then you will not see her as much. You know the saying "You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends" well sometimes family are also friends and sometimes there not.            

Answer 6

Bring him some beer and throw it away or let it all go down the sink or something to prove how much he needs it or is an alcoholic or you could put hot sauce in it =D

or

simply don't come , send him a happy birthday card but , print out a tesco value one from the internet and print a fake ten pound not or something just to show how much you care , I know these tips might not help but they sure will be fun :)

Answer 7

Sounds rather ****** up, i have a lil problem like that myself with my gfs family, my gfs mother gives her h**l, my gf works monday - saturday all day till 10pm on a night sunday is the only night off! and her mum use to make her do all the cleaning and ironing and **** and is really ungreatful to her. my gf moved out 7months ago but still cant escape her mum. and i know it gets her down but wont stand up for herself. so my suggestion is you stick up for yourself you put ya foot down you set scene, if your parents love you they will do anything for you. you need to be abit more agressive show that your hurt which you are for the years of **** you have taken. Id suggest not cutting them off fully but make it that you can go on without them let them see there mistake but explain this to them before you do it so they can reflect over it! cause one day you will have a baby and they will be granparents and if they want part of your life they will have to give you the respect you deserve! and they should start before any of that goes forward! good luck!  

Answer 8

I read the first paragraph and that was enough for me.

Get out and away. your old man's a b*****d and does not deserve any consideration in your future life!. It's your mum i'm worried for. The sooner you can get away, with her if possible then better.

Answer 9

Your boyfriend does have a point of cutting all ties with them. I have cut ties from my mother and step-father after years of seeing them drunk and getting verbal abuse from them. Sometimes it was physical abuse as well. The final straw was when I discovered they had told a debt collection agency my address for a debt of over 8 and half thousand quid that they had got. I had to sever my ties with them as I was threatend with bailiffs and it wouldn't of been their things that would of been taken but mine and my kids stuff. I don't have any regrets at all as I can get on with my life without having the constant emotional blackmail fron her, or the constant put downs that I used to get. I am a lot happier in myself  now for the first time in my 34 years, and I am getting on with my life a lot better as well.

If you don't feel like going to your dads birthday, don't go. Send him a card but just stay away.

Answer 10

i think your parents sound like dysfunctional people who are so wrapped up in themselves that they have lost sight of their responsibility - being your parent.

although i dont think it is a question of all or nothing with them - perhaps middle ground is having them at arms length where their sniping can do less damage

i know what it is like - i was 19 when i managed to escape and go to college - and 20 when i found my now kind and stable husband.  to this day my son has never spent time alone with my side of the family because they can not be trusted to behave themselves.  I know this because they STILL wont admit that 'they' have a problem - plus they still treat others they are related to in the same way.

i know it can be tough but you would be better to build yor own support system away from your parents - they arent even admitting to when they are cruel to you - and until they do they are set to continue.

Answer 11

Your partner is giving you good advice.  No matter how good, faithful, dutiful, or successful you are, your parents are going to be the same dysfunctional turkeys.  Look, your parents, some how, somewhere, deep down inside love you and care for you but the are simply not capable of demonstrating that in any meaningful sense.  You can't forget them but you certainly don't need to punish yourself by going to family gatherings.  Grieve your loss but get on with your life.  

Answer 12

You are in an incredibly abusive (verbally and physically) relationship with your parents.  They may have given birth to you and you may have lived with them your whole life, but do they love you?  Do you love them?  It doesn't sound like your family life is anything to be desired, and not only is it undesirable, it's destructive to your relationships.  

I would suggest relocation as a very good option to getting your family to stay out of your life a little more.  I had some similar problems (though not as severe) with my parents in regards to difference of religious views and we moved 8 hours drive away from them.  The relationship changed for the better almost immediately.  They were able to take a step back (literally) and because they weren't constantly in my life they realized how wonderful my relationship was with my husband and learned that there are certain things parents should not be a part of in my life.  

If you don't have the courage to "tell them off" so to speak (I don't blame you if you don't), then I would HIGHLY consider moving to another town at least and possibly even farther away.  That will give you the independence and courage to start standing up for yourself and your partner.  And continue to grow the relationship with your partner's parents--they will prove to be valuable relationships in the future.