Could everyone read my poetry? I need advice on whether it great, ok or really bad?

Question

This is one of the best ones i've written. My favourite one is another question i've asked if you want to read it! This one is about sexism and how the idea that man is superior is simply not true :] I need critism, i need to know if im crappio or great.

There is a pulse

Pushing and beating

Sleeping and breathing

s*x is competing

We woman provide to sleep too late

Circulating and taking

Softly cleaning the blood you leak

Wiping the sweat from our bruised brows

While men raise theirs while ours face down

Mighty and proud

Shadowing the fragility with masculinity

Beating down on our productivity with their blow

Pound. Bruise.

These visions of the most perplex

And take us

While the fabrication of the future is exposed bare in our hands

Mans hands lay vacant with precedence

Synonyms of “women” are indefinable, odd

Where synonyms of “man” are to operate and

To take charge of

Why so says she?

Her baring and labour holds life

Living – left up to feminine and less superior statures

Why so she says?

Preciousness and perfection could not

If she would stand down.

I bow to you and spit

Think deeper next time the title of lesser s*x is placed on women

It is clearly a mistake, sir.

Answer 1

urmmm

its not clear, i dont get all that much of it, well i kidna do but dont.

haha,

than again i'm 16.

Answer 2

It was a lot better than I expected it to be.

I was slightly put off by the beating/competing rhyme in the first verse and the 'Synonyms of “women” are indefinable, odd/Where synonyms of “man” are to operate and/To take charge of' bit is a good point but seems slightly shoehorned in.

But overall I think its pretty good and makes a very good point.

Answer 3

Honest... it is ok.  Needs work, shows promise.  You are over complicating this poem, maybe trying to be to clever.  Your first 4 lines locked me in for the rest of the poem.  But I found myself waiting for you to dazel me again.  

There was no follow through with the first 4 lines, you over complicated it...  Which are feminine traits.  (come on I had to).  

You are a formidable opponent and it comes through in your writing.  Try to rewrite this but simplify.  

I also like the line "Her baring and labor holds life"  But I think it could be simplified maybe say "In her labor there is life"-

You don't need to change a thing if you like it.  This is one MAN's small opinion.  I did like it.  

Answer 4

i found it so boring i stopped reading halfway.

Answer 5

Listen to Plat, ignore the one who claimed this is boring. You certainly have the talent to become a first rate poet and you can improve upon this poem.

Try to look at it as impartially as possible, as detached as possible. Look for what I found: A phrase here and there that interrupted the flow, a word here and there that seemed out of place and could be corrected with a slightly better word substituted.

I don't rate poems, but it's far from being bad and has the potential to be first rate. Edit and listen to Plat and don't over explain and this poem will be fine.

Answer 6

You have a good vocabulary, and you avoid spurious emoting (by far the commonest failing among poets here).

But on the basis of work like this nobody can have a meaningful opinion whether you are talented or not.

Your poem is about what MEN are like, and about how MEN think about WOMEN.

But there are no MEN in the world, and no WOMEN either.

You are a young woman - but you are yourself first. You are an individual - as different from most other women as you are from me. And everybody else you know is just as unique as you are: we are all people first - our s*x, our skin-colour, our language, our political affiliation:- all of these things come later (often much later).

....

When you are starting out in poetry it is nearly always a bad idea to tackle big abstract PROBLEMS. (When you know more about poetry, you will know better than to do this ever). Instead of writing from an Idea, you should write about a Thing. The best poems are nearly always about something you can see / touch / taste / feel.

Look at some Keats, look at some William Carlos Williams - or some Larkin or some Robert Frost. The best poets don't write about what they are thinking, or what they are feeling - they write about things you can hold in your hand, or drop on your toe.

....

I hope you will post again soon - I would like to know what level of talent you have, and what sort. But I hope it will be a poem that if I needed to I could draw a picture of.

Answer 7

Wow, it really is FULL of potential!!!!

The story behind it really shines through

I can imagine someone writing this poem at 5 o clock in the morning full of inspiration and having to structure it into art.

ryan m, its not the type of criticism that someone asks for. Okay, you didn't like it, but at least read it. Not just half. i think its not needed.

quackakeri- keep it up, your talent has yet to show its full potential! in a nice way