Could her childhood affect her parenting?

Question

My fiancée is an amazing woman- she's compassionate, down-to-earth, witty, and everyone has nothing but nice things to say about her.

Although, whenever we talk about her family she becomes overwhelmingly bitter. She grew up in an abusive household and rarely speaks to her parents. Her mother will call her occasionally, but ends up criticizing her or insulting her over the phone and my fiancée ends up being upset or angry for the rest of the day. I try not to ask her about it that much because yet again, she becomes emotional, not towards me but towards the situation.

I was curious; could this foreshadow what she'd be like with our kids? She's not the type of person that would be abusive, but I read this article in Time Magazine and it said something along the lines of "All children end up raising their children the way they were raised." Maybe mentally abusive?

This may sound like a stupid question, but I was just curious what others thought.

Answer 1

Honestly there is no "pat" answer to that question. Have you ever seen your fiance around other people's children? Does she get nasty or irritated by things that normally would not bother other people? Have you even discussed having children with her? Her bitterness may be only directed at her parents. Many times parents who came from an abusive household are wonderful parents because they have vowed never to repeat their childhood. I would suggest maybe meeting with a marriage counselor and having your fiance maybe meet with a separate therapist to help her deal with any residual resentment she has towards her family.

Answer 2

Yeah, her child hood could very well affect her parenting and her mental state as a whole. Kids who grow up in abusive households, tend to repeat the same actions when they are adults.  

Answer 3

Time Magazine is hardly something to sight as correct information as far as that goes.  All children do not end up raising their children the way they were raised.  My father grew up in a non-Christian home, with an alcoholic father that thought a p**n video was reasonable family entertainment.  My father does not drink, he is a strong Christian man and does not find p**n tasteful so he does not view it.  Two polar opposites!

To a degree your childhood does influence the way you parent.  But ultimately you choose how you will parent.  She has the power to break the cycle and I'm sure she will be an excellent parent.

Answer 4

I agree with most answers above, it depends on the individual. Those who had a tragic past may and may not repeat that with their own children. It all depends on the state of mind of that individual. We humans are very unpredictable by all means, unlike the animals we call animals which are much more predictable. So to answer your question would be impossible due to the fact is you may discuss this with your fiance and everything may seem to be fine, but only time will tell once the children arrive. Just by observation and past experience, people can put on a gr8 front, but do we really know that individual. In most cases those children who have been raised in an abusive environment don't repeat the cycle because they know and understand how it felt at the time this was all happening. I'm not being pessimistic, just realistic. All you can do is wait and see what happens.

Best to you and yours!

Answer 5

We need so much more information. Some people are able to break the cycle and be the parents they wished they had. Others find themselves repeating their parents mistakes because they don't know what else to do. The key to this is education and really knowing yourself and what triggers you. It's also possible to have had great parents and be a lousy one yourself. Is your fiancee a really self-aware person? If so, you probably won't have any problems. But you two do need to talk about parenting and children before you have them.

Answer 6

It absolutely COULD affect her parenting, but there's only one way to find out for sure. And that is having a kid. Every person and every situation is different, so I wouldn't take the article in Time too literally. Generally, good people raise good children and bad people raise bad children. But your fiancee has already proven that wrong by turning out to be an "amazing woman." Give her the benefit of the doubt. Get married, have kids, and live happily ever after.

Answer 7

It is not a rule that your parent's parenting methods determine your own, but it can be a good indicator. Now this is not to say that she would be abusive verbally or otherwise. It just states that people that come from abusive households are more likely to be abusive parents than those that came from non-abusive households.  

Answer 8

I completely disagree…..we all have a choice in who we want to be as a person and it’s up to the person on how they go about doing that.

My father was a scumbag growing up. He would belittle us, scream at us in public, scare all my friends away. He’d get up in my sister’s face and they’d come d**n close to a fist fight. My father actually abused my mother from what she says (only found out about this a few years ago) and she took quite a bit of nasty forms of abuse, mostly verbal and emotional.

I still am a bit bitter regarding my father. I don’t talk to him often but I try to be somewhat civil when he does call me. He’s never apologized and if he ever speaks to me over the phone or via email, you can instantly sense that “tone” he used on us when we were little.

However, growing up in an environment like I did, I learned what NOT to be. I watched and witnessed what that behavior did to my family. I saw all the other loving families around me so it wasn’t like I didn’t see what GOOD can be like. Again, I had a choice and still have a choice….

I married a GOOD man, not a man like my father as everyone seems to believe happens. This man is a GOOD father to his kids and he takes care of me. I consider myself to be a d**n good mother. I don’t scream at my son because I know what it feels to be screamed at. I don’t hit my son, because I know what it feels like to be smacked.

Everyone has a choice, your fiancé included……

Answer 9

Most people raise their children the way they were raised. It's what comes the most naturally to them, and so in times of stress they are more likely to fall back on that. A lot of the people who really disliked the way their parents raised them and who are determined to be different might just take the opposite extreme, which isn't ideal.

There are people who really do manage to change things for the better. My grandmother was a very different kind of parent from her dad, who was the "Hit first, ask questions after," kind of parent. She wasn't perfect, but she made huge changes, and is an amazing woman. She has continued to change as she grew older and got grandchildren and great grandchildren.

My mom parented very differently from her mom as well, and is an absolutely incredible mom, whom I hope to emmulate in my role as a mother.

Change can be very hard, especially coming from an abusive family, but it isn't possible. Perhaps a more relevant example would be my cousin. My uncle was abused as a child, and when he became a father, he was ver abusive towards his first two children. His oldest got the worst of it.

In spite of this, he (the oldest) is an incredibly sweet and caring father, and is nothing like the kind of parent his father was.

I guess my point is, if your fiancée wants to be a better mom, and she is willing to work at it, her odds are pretty good. The way you've described her, it sounds as if she's pretty much already there, it will just be a matter of having a plan of action before hand, so that she doesn't have to fall back on the way she was parented.

Good luck, and I'm sure you will both be great parents.

Answer 10

i personally believe that people going through horrible situations themselves are extra sensitive and develops a greater sense and understanding of the pain and suffering it causes to the victim.

so, if the fiancee herself had a terrible past, she would definitely make sure that her children are brought up in an educated, mannered environment/culture. The only problem however would be, "over protective" attitude. now we need to understand why our parents are always telling us what to do and what not to.

Answer 11

well let me just say my mom was verbally abusive and just a very negative person.still is.and it has not at all affected by parenting.if anything it has made me better at it.

Answer 12

If a person desires to raise, love, and nuture their own children, they can be great parents. People inevitably act like their parents (in small OR big ways) but humans have the power and will to change...her parenting style depends on what kind of parent she wants to be..do y'all talk about havin kids??/ do you talk about how you'll raise your kids?? if not, do it b4 u get married!!!

Answer 13

Yeah I dont agree with that, my mom is a great mom and she came from a horrible abusive alcoholic father, (she doesnt drink either) I have a great mom but feel Im inept at raising my own son. I would talk to her about how she feels, then if you decide to have children maybe take some parenting classes I have a firm belief that some people are naturally good parents and some just arent. I wish I had taken parenting classes earlier b/c it doesnt come natural to me My intensions are great and I love my son dearly but parenting is hard work if you strive to do it right. I think that its something you dont know until it happens. If you have children be aware and look for signs of being abusive and seek help if needed she may be the opposite and never be abusive (like my mom) because she knows what it left her with. good luck