Could someone please advise me on husband???

Question

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now (I am 24 and he is 25) and usually things are great. We get along pretty well, barely ever fight but the problem is he is a giant slob. I am always cleaning up after his messes and when I try to confront him about it (i.e. leaving empty soda cans all over the house, candy wrappers all over the computer desk, crumpled paper towels on the floor and this is just the tip of the iceburg) he becomes sarcastic and just says "That's nice."

I have tried to sit him down and talk to him about how I feel but he never listens, or he'll be good for maybe a day and then falls back into his old habits. I feel like this is ruining our marriage because first if all everything now falls on me. I really don't even ask him to do much, just to clean up after himself but he won't even do that and every day when I am done with the daily chores I feel like I am completely burned out and overwhelmed (Right now I am a stay at home mother so I do have more time, but when he was out of work and staying home with our two young children he never did anything and I had to come home from an 8 hr day of work cook dinner and try to clean). I feel more like his maid than his wife and I've tried everything I can think of to get him to pitch in and help. I feel so resentful towards him that sometimes I consider divorce, but I don't want to go down that road for one it seems silly to divorce someone over not cleaning up and two because of our kids. I just feel like this is putting a giant wedge between us and he doesn't care enough about me to help out a bit. What do you think?

Answer 1

you should write a list of the things that need to be done around the house. Tell him to mark off the ones that you should do and mark off the ones that he should do. Then stick with it. If he wont (cause I've been in that situation before) do what I did (although I can not tell you yet if the effects last because it's only been a week) tell him you're leaving him because you VALUE something such as your time (because you use your time to clean) and that he doesn't make you feel like he values your time, you are a good woman, you give him everything he wants and he is not giving you everything you want. Tell him this seriously and perhaps he will change. So far my husband is doing good but it's only been 1 weeks so I dont know for sure.

Good luck to you, how do we get ourselves into this?

Answer 2

Your husband is selfish and retarded. Have you told him youre considering divorce? How about making a deal with him instead? Something like he will get more in the bedroom if he picks up his c**p daily? Its really silly to have to play these games with a full grown "man" but he sounds like a simple creature, Im sure he will love this idea

Answer 3

You both need to work towards conforming to the way the other lives.  He is more comfortable with a little clutter, you with out it. Your marriage shouldn't be over because of this.

Answer 4

No excuses for him. I would once argue this point with my wife, though not as extreme. Tell him once more how badly this is bothering you and you think your relationship is going to be hurt by it. If he does nothing more then he probably does not care much about his relationship. In which case it is really bad to stay in a relationship with resentment. Especially with children, they can sense it.

Answer 5

I think you're right when you say 'he doesn't care enough to help me'. That also can be shortened to 'he doesn't care' and even 'care about my request'.

I find this most troubling. It takes no effort to pick up after ones self and this places you in the category of a servant. let me guess....I'll lay money he has tossed up in your face the comment 'Well you stay at home all day and I work". right?

That's just downright ignorant. To come home, grab a laundry basket, sort out the clothes and put them in a washer, add soap, bleach if needed and twist a dial is nothing. Forty minutes later go back, place the clothes in the dryer and add the next load into the washer takes no time at all either.

Sadly you're married to an ignorant man who thinks of little more than himself and his own comforts. Sounds almost Victorian. Its also sad that any attempt at relaying this to him falls on deaf ears. So you're right...it's hurting the marriage and when and if the time comes where you toss in the towel he'll be full of remorse. Unfortunately it isn't because he regrets failing to help around the house, it's because the maid, cook, washerwoman, nanny and s*x object will have left.

Best of luck to you. It's sad to think there are men out there too lazy to lift a finger when it comes to housework.

Answer 6

i think he feels like its not as important to pick up candy wrappers as you do.

some people are just sloppy.

often people can nag nag nag on these types of things, if you love him leave it be, accept that he isnt as neat as you. i personally would leave you if you were in my house telling me to clean up, while i supported you.  

Answer 7

Guys, generally, aren't as concerned about "picking things up" as ladies seem to be.  I'd think though that he could help some, maybe if you just left his stuff sitting around for a few days (yes, I know that's asking a lot I live with a neat freak myself) and he saw the clutter he might either ask you about it or just clean it himself.  You guys are fairly young so I'm not sure how long he lived outside of his parents house.  Maybe his mom picked up after him all the time and he just never figured that out on his own.

Another thing you could do is pick up his mess and then put it on his chair or spot on the sofa.

DON'T get a divorce over something as silly as this.  There are much larger things to stress over than this in life.

Answer 8

I had this problem. It's not an easy solution. His sloppiness and slovenly habits are his way of controlling your environment. You can try the "Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle" method, (used with humor,) or you can threaten.Threats, as you have seen, don't work. That only leaves the other way.

The Mrs. Piggle Wiggle method is this: clean everything else AROUND him. Clean up YOUR space, your side of the room, collect all his trash all week in a bag and then leave it on his side of the bed for him to take care of, wash only YOUR dishes, YOUR laundry, and organize only YOUR side of the closet, etc. All of HIS stuff, you leave alone, leave dirty and leave cluttered. When he asks about it, smile and tell him you just have too much to do cleaning up after yourself and the kids, and you really just can't work his bad habits into your schedule; and besides, he's an adult, he can do it himself. Always smile--don't nag--and don't threaten or take cheap shots. Just tell him he'll have to take care of his own cleanliness from now on that you really just don't have time to deal with it.

At first, he'll think he's died and gone to heaven--he can do whatever he wants! But eventually, he'll be drowning in his own waste and he'll clean it up.

Bottom line: stop being angry at him for this. Take care of yourself and your kids, teach them to clean up after themselves, (explain that their father has bad habits and that they should not use him as an example!) and let him be responsible for his own messes. If that means living in a divided house for a while, then that's what it means.

There are worse things, really. BUT--if you make an issue of this, it will become bigger than you want it. you said it yourself: it seems silly to divorce someone over not cleaning. It is silly. Time spent together with you and your kids is far more important--but I know you like living in a clean orderly environment, too. However, you didn't get that kind of man.  So---the only solution is to do for YOU and let him do his own cleaning when it gets bad enough to bother him. Once you let up on him, and let up on yourself and your house, you'll both be happier. If your standards are more important to you than your relationship, then that's what you'll end up with: your standards, and NO relationship.

BTW: If you can find a copy of Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle, read it. It's got a lot of good insight for difficult people.

Answer 9

I married this man!!  Unfortunately, he is a mommy's boy.  Mom took care of him, so he believes you should.  I was also a stay at home mother.  When I tried to make my point and not clean up after him, I just cleaned up after my son and myself...I received comments like "you're so lazy" or "you're worthless". It got worse, and I won't go into details.  Although it seems silly to consider divorce over a little thing like cleaning, remember little things add up to big things.  It is more about respect than anything else.  He does not respect you.  The resent you feel, will turn to hate.  As for the kids, they feel and see everything.  You can try to hide the resentment, but they know.  You just have to figure out which is better for your children.  Growing up and learning not to respect you (because there will be a time they expect you to clean up after them the same way) and then their future spouses.  It is a terrible cirlce.  I am still working on my son, and I left when he was 5.  He is now 12.  

Answer 10

as bad as it would probably bug you to do this it does work.... I had that same problem so I said if you don't at least pick up after yourself than I am done doing anything for you if you can't help me at all. Then explain to him exsactly what you are reasonsible for and let him now that he is adult and should be responsible for his c**p! Then if that doesn't work stop doing things for him. Do your laundry but not his. Sleep on the couch and cook for you and the kids not him see how  things are for him when your not there to do the things you do for him. It worked with my boyfriend when he realized dishes don't wash themselves and dinner doesn't just pop up on the table and clothes don't wash themselves. lol do it! It really works. He wll listen then!

Answer 11

its time to kick his as$ out... gee girl get the program right ....one get the bum .in a chair.. 2 pack a bag.. and give it to him .. and say the door that way.. or you start to clean up after you.  or the door .. you pick .. the game is over now  and you won t put up with this anymore ... good luck..  

Answer 12

He makes no effort because none is required; he knows you're going to pick up after hhim. Stop picking up after him, leave the soda cans, etc and don't touch a thing. After a week or so, when his area is a pig sty, then he will be forced to clean it up.

Answer 13

Gather all his mess and put it in a corner of a room and just let it pile up, sooner or later he will have to clean it up. Do this often and he will get the message. As long as you continue to pick up after him he will have no incentive to change. Either that, or hire a maid to clean his mess. Paying the maid should come out of his allowence lol. If he wants to act like a child then he needs to be treated like one. Good luck!

Answer 14

You are being taken advantage of because you are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. If you want this to stop there are several things you can try. 1st of all, stop picking up after him. Once it piles up and he sees that it is all his then he may change his way of thinking. If a friend comes over you can explain that you do your best to clean up but the slob comes through and does this. It could shame him into doing better. 2nd, Cut off the s*x! Explain to him that you are simply too tired to perform for him after you've had to pick up his c**p all day. I know that would change my attitude. 3rd, you may have to threaten divorce. Explain to him you can't live this way, that you cannot put up with his constant display of clutter and that if it isn't changed you will have to divorce. Now here is where things are tough. If he cares about the marriage he will do whatever it takes to make things right. You may even have to endure a small separation. IF he decides to go forward with the divorce then you are better off without him. NEVER say you are staying for the kids or say that you do not want to divorce for the kids sake. The kids are important in the relationship but they do not determine the relatonship of the parents. If he is sleeping with your best friend in your bed and you have to wait until he is finished each night before you can go to bed, are you gonna stay together for the kids sake? Straighten him out!

Answer 15

I know exactly how you feel and if anyone else has info I will be glad!

I blame the mothers who think they are doing well for their sons but teach them to have no clue about running a home and sharing chores equally. I'm pretty much at the end of my tether so I am going to sit him down and explain how serious I feel the situation is!

Answer 16

i know how you feel but being a slob is a lifestyle that hardly ever changes it seems.i am a very clean person and my house stays spotless with help from no one else of coarse,it seems like its a never ending battle don't it.I'm 29 and had two girlfriends and they both have been slobs,i left the first one over it after almost 11 years.you need to talk to him about it (seriously) and mention divorce if he doesn't change. if he loves you enough he will fix it, if he doesn't then get a divorce it is not like you didn't warn him.

Answer 17

You probably don't mind working hard at keeping up your home as long as you feel like it is appreciated.  You need to try a new angle at getting thru to him that it is no longer just annoying to you, but it is developing into feelings of resentment.  Ask him if it is okay for him to be in a relationship with someone who resents him, and ask him where he sees your relationship going from here.  Make him accountable for the way he makes you feel, not necessarily just picking up his mess.  As long as he is not conscious of your feelings he will never see a need to change.  Don't split up over this.  It is worth working out.  Can you imagine explaining to your kids when they are older that you got a divorce from their dad because "he was messy"?  

Answer 18

I had this very same problem with my husband when we first started living together.  I asked a good friend for advice and she told me this:

There's one thing you can use for leverage in a marriage and that's s*x.  If he isnt listening to you, and not doing his part, than when he starts rubbing up on you at night asking for it- tell him he hasnt earned it!

I did this for about 2 weeks (my husband is borderline nymphomaniac lol so this was h**l for him) and in 2 weeks he was washing dishes, cooking AND cleaning...

I know it sounds silly, but when men act like children you must treat them like children...

Answer 19

I think you have every right to feel the way that you do.

My partner and I have only been together for 7 months and when I go to his place and it's a mess I go crazy at him over it! I used to just ask him to clean before I was over there but now if I get there and it's like that I threaten to leave and only come back again once the place is spotless and that didn't work until I did leave! Now whenever I go over there the place is spotless and if not he cleans as soon as we get there.

The only advice I could give you is talk to him and tell him exactly what you have just said and how you feel about his sarcasm. If he continues to be sarcastic I suggest you pack a few things and stay with your parents with your 2 children or someone for the weekend to try and teach him a lesson of respect. Simply say "I'm not living in a pig sty so do something about it for once" and off you go. Tell him to call once it's clean and you'll come home...If that doesn't sort him out then nothing will... If losing his wife and children doesn't get him up then he isn't worth it and you have every right to consider divorce.

It sure seems like a small thing but living with it for 5 years and the rest of your life isn't so small.

Good Luck!