Could this be the reason? Long but please read?

Question

I'm going to try write this without being too confusing or adding too many details...

OK, if i'm having quite a hard time right now (self harm, suicidal thoughts, drinking too much and always being down/upset) could it have anything to do with something that happened in the past?

I've thought many times about the reasons for why my life is like this but i usually just put it down to me being an idiot and doing everything wrong.

There is something which i think about alot that happened in the past (something that i've never and never will talk to anyone about-well not properly)

I'm even having a hard time typing it...basically the week after my 14th birthday i lost my virginity with a guy i thought i could trust, he was a few years above me in school, i think he was 17 at the time. We'd gone to his house and somehow i managed to get incredibly drunk and i can barely remember how exactly it happened but i remember all of a sudden we were having s*x. I don't remember much of that night, mainly just pain. I don't remember resisting or anything so it wasn't rape...plus i knew the guy.

Anyway i've not talked to this guy since (deleted his number and everything) and i didn't talk to my friends or anyone because i worried they'd call me a s**t or just point out the obvious about how stupid i was.

I've had a boyfriend since but didn't really enjoy the relationship that much...we had s*x (this was after i turned 16) and i really didn't like that much either...just felf like an object being used.

Anyway i know that this all happened because of my own stupidity and i hate myself for getting in that situation so i don't need any lectures about that. Maybe i'm just looking for an excuse to what's going wrong with my life now. It's just SO many people on here have said to find the 'route of the problem' and i'm still trying to do this...wondering if this could be it.

I do get upset when i think of that night mainly because i really liked and trusted the guy i was with...plus i had just turned 14 (wasn't exactly the most mature either). I just can't get it out my head what an idiot i had been!!!

Anyway i know noone over the internet can tell me exactly whats causing everything that's going wrong now but i need some sort of opinion....

How can i just forget that night? I know i'm totally over reacting and theres people out there in SO much worse situations.

Basically what can i do?! I'm in such a rut and seriously have no idea where to go, who to turn to and i'm just so lost.

Seriously anyone got any advice?! I'm 18 now so that was over 4 years ago and i'm still messing up. I need to stop being so pathetic!

Seriously, any advice?!

Thanks

Answer 1

Hello Hmm.... glad to see that you are still hanging in there and trying to help yourself and i feel that this time you have out did yourself and put all the cards on the table. Good move you are getting close to your well desevred selfhealing , by choosing to go deep into yourself where very few are willing to go.

Let me say this ,that everyone has done something that they have regreted or what they couldn't come to face with. There are two types of experiences that play havoc with our lives ,one is the ones we don't let go of  that are eating us away and the other are the ones that we have surpressed because of shame or guilt.

When we keep our mind on our bad experiences we relive the bad experience over and over and we will try almost anything to get rid of them except to stop thinking about them. this problem is known and will be resolved when the person has had enough or when they create bigger problems for themselves..

Now the other type of experience which you have cleaverly figuerd out but are seeking conformation are the ones that are deep seated in the realm of your subconcious and intermingled with your emotions through memory association which activates and rises those suprressed experiences which caause you grief and anguish by not fully rising into your conciousness....

You have made a giant step towards your recovery by recogniizng one of your debilataing experiences ; now it's up to you to let it go and if the thoughts come back let them go again. If they make you feel bad don't let them because what happened in the past is the past this is now and it wont happen again.

unresolved issues are a part of this life  in this not so perfect world we have dreams and social interactions that are meant to help us resolve them and not be overwelmed by them. You see it's not you that's messed up , it's this world. That is why we must create our own world within this world. If we don't this world and its unfairness will consume us and spit us out.

I believe that your experience with this boy is the root of your problem now pull it out and  discard with the rest of the unfriutful events in your live and sow some good seeds that will bloom instead of dieing and decaying in your subconcious.

I hope that the weight of this problem once eliminated will help you takcle the other issues brought on by this bad deep rooted one. Hope this attempt of explaining things will be of help , i know that if it does you will know what to do because you have figured out the hard part already....

Answer 2

Yes , help is available .  What you are feeling is normal for anyone.

  Life goes on and you must focus on what you have learned and thank God you are still ok .

You are an important person, special and there is no one like you.  Don't belittle yourself nor give yourself away. You now know what doesn't work but you can now work on what will work for you to have the best results in every area of your life. This may sound too hard but it isn't that hard.  I would recommend the personalized book that I have that shows you how important and special you really are. It has YOUR own name throughout the book and shows you just how special you are.  It gives you great hope and helps with self esteem and confidence in yourself.  It will help you greatly when you re think things about yourself and see you are wonderfully made and have a great future by loving yourself and learning how to love others. Nothing can keep you down.  This book is highly recommended by celebrities you would recognize.  It is a great way to help yourself feel good about yourself and gives you direction to live a happy and fulfilled life by knowing who you are. You can learn how to be the kind of happy person you want to be....Not hard ! It will change your life forever, in my opinion. It is very personal for You. It will build self confidence which you really need. You have a great future ahead of you !  

You can get your book at the site on the source line below. I promise it will help you in so many areas.....I love mine..........

God bless !

Answer 3

This might not be the answer your looking for but i say you have to tell the guy that you forgive him for what he did to you. or find some kind of inter peace about the situation. I dont konw what you think about religion but i say pray or go to church and find someone you can talk to.

Answer 4

when we are young things happen.  What you have to do is forgive yourself.  Only have s*x when you are ready and when you know that you are in a commited relationship.  I would advise you to stop drinking.  You need to think of your self and what you find comfortable.   If you are with a man that wants s*x and you are not ready then tell him that.  He may not want to stay int he relationship but that is fine.  You will find someone that is right for you .  A man that is willing to take things slowly and do it right.

I do thin you need to talk to a therapist about this.  If you can not talk to someone then print off what you wrote on here.

Please stop hurting yourself.  you did nothing wrong.  you were young and made a mistake.  that is all.  forgive yourself .. you are not a s**t:)

Answer 5

Just because you don't remember resisting does not mean you were not raped.The fact that you knew the person has nothing to do with it. This person, I believe, saw an opportunity and milked it. A male of 17   yrs who supplies a 14yr old female with so much drink that she's out of it has one thing on his mind. The responsibility of this action lies with him. You were a minor. You trusted him because he led you to believe that you could. Then he took advantage of that. Stop beating yourself up about this. You need to speak to a rape councellor, or the police. Don't think just because it was 4 years ago that you can do nothing about it. You need to lay it to rest.

Answer 6

We have all done things that later we wished we had handled differently.  But the past is over, it is done with, and the future is the way forward.  See everything you have been through as a learning experience, and move on.  To stay rooted in the past is to stay blind to the opportunities that are waiting for you now. Many schools and colleges have counsellors.  Take all the help that is available out there.

Part of the trouble is you are 18, still finding your feet in the adult world.  Get involved in your education or career, with enthusiasm.  Things will look very different when you are 20 or 21.

For my money, any 14 year old that is blotto is not capable of consenting to anything.  And s*x without consent is  .....  not very different from rape.  He was older, he took advantage of the situation, and proved himself to be only an opportunist.  Don't waste any more thoughts on him  -  he is not worthy of your time or trouble.  

Some day soon you are going to meet the right person for you.  Take your time, don't be pushed into anything you don't want.  When you are ready, you'll know.

Good luck!!

Answer 7

I think that the situation with the guy when you were 14 is a RESULT of the actual problem that is still affecting you today. Getting drunk and having s*x, like you've admitted yourself, isn't healthy behavior for someone that age. That leads me to believe that the issue that is affecting you now is related to the issue that caused you to get into the situation with the guy. I don't think that the guy situation is a cause of your problems, although im sure it hasn't helped. I would continue to even go back further into your life to try and find the source of your emotional sadness right now.  Try to think about what state of mind you were in when that happened with the guy. Maybe you will find that that was the beginning of it all, all your symptoms of sadness, but not the cause.

I could be very wrong, but its just a hunch,  

Answer 8

This will sound clique...but first of all, you need to accept what has happened. You need to face it and say "yes, I did that and it was a stupid thing to do" and what is important is that you learned from it. You're better than some people who continued on that path. You knew something was wrong with it so you tried to get out. You should feel proud of yourself for doing that.

After you have accepted that what you did wasn't a good thing, stop calling yourself an idiot. What you did was what you did. Regretting and beating yourself up is not going to change things. Negative thoughts about yourself is only going to make yourself feel worse. I know it's hard to not say it to yourself and stop thinking about it. I go through that a lot myself.

I don't know what you mean by "I'm still messing up." Do you mean you're still getting drunk a lot and having s*x or something else? Well, whatever it is, exercise some self control. Use your will power to stop yourself when you recognize the situation you're in. As depressing as it is to hear it, you're the only one who can take care of yourself and you can't depend on anyone else to do it. You need to do it yourself.

Sorry if this isn't much help, but your problem is rather very complicated and can't exactly be "solved" by just what you wrote (even though it's already long)..You should look into getting counselling..I get counselling and it really helps.

Answer 9

The painful memories of your past can definitely affect your future. Having s*x and having it not be the way you wanted it to be can be truly devistating and I'm really sorry that it had to happen the way it did. I would say the best way to get over this, is to forgive the boy for well, being a teenage boy...forgive yourself for making a mistake that you can no longer chance, and think of it as a learning experience. You now know that you shouldn't jump to having s*x with just anyone, and that it is a sacred experience to be shared between 2 lovers. Lots of things that happen in our lives affect who we become, but just because that happend it doesnt mean you have to relive the negative experience everytime you think about it. It seems like your depression and suicidal thoughts and such is because you cannot forgive yourself for the mistakes you made.

just remember everyone makes mistakes, and in order to be loved by others, you should love yourself first. try getting into some counseling to help you get ahold of your past, and stop it from making you so sad and upset.

god bless you.

Answer 10

sounds like a lot of the problem stopping you moving on from that night is because you are afraid to accept the fact is was a rape ( a date rape )...

you were 14 he got you drunk .. wether you fought him off or not is irrelavent... he made sure you were in a condition not to fight him off... you were underage to concent even had he not gotten you drunk and had merely preassured you into s*x it would still be rape as you were concidered too young by law to be able to make an informed decision on wether or not to have s*x... it might not be nice to accept the fact you were raped but untill you do you will be unlightly to fully recover from it or to move on in life and relationships