Could you LOVE any adopted child?

Question

I see a lot of PAPs and APs imply that all adoptive families are 'loving', and that all it takes is 'love'.

So are you capable of loving any child?

Answer 1

That is definitely not the case. You would hope that kids are easy to love.  If that was even remotely true there wouldn't be over a million kids abused in the US alone every year.  Those are only the cases that are recorded...so I can only imagine if they weren't related. There wouldn't be adopted children who are murdered or abused if that was was the case. People are sick.

I am not saying that it isn't possible for an AP to love their adopted children because we're all wired differently. I do believe there are some AP's that have the heart to truly love their child as I remain hopeful. I'm not an affectionate type person so my bio-daughter is the first time that I ever felt what it was like to truly love somebody.  There's no words to describe it.  The term love is over used.  Being adopted & knowing the relationship I had with my parents  I don't think I could love a child (like I should) if I adopted them.  There was always a lack of feeling of true love with my parents no matter how much they tell me they love me.  My parents are good people too but love is something that happens naturally, not when it's forced.

I'm a type that believes love grows after time if it is not your 'blood'. Although, maybe some AP's look at it like waiting to deliver & then when they have their child in their arms it's like that first connection a mother has when she delivers her but I honestly don't believe that it's the same feeling.  I know most may think being of the same blood doesn't matter but my daughter is the only one that I have the same biology with & it means much more than I ever thought it would.

Sunny - I read that first link you posted in another thread. It was a great article, explaining how the bond between a mother & child is much more complex & deeper than one could imagine..down to the core of our dna basically.

Answer 2

I'm glad my amom loved me cuz I wasn't that easy to love.  I did everything in my power to see if she would stop loving me and she never did.  That really was unconditional love.

Answer 3

Speaking as an adoptive parent who adopted a little boy with Reactive Attachment Disorder, the all it takes is love business is bull. It takes a heck of a lot more than love. When a child enters a home, you do not know that child. You may love that child intrinsically because he or she is a child and part of the human race, but loving that child for who they are takes time and bonding on the part of the parent. Seeing that my child rejected every effort I made and brought the quality of our life down about 10000000 percent because of his RADs (ie he would scream at the top of his lungs everyday/night for two to six hours at a time) I realized that it actually takes commitment and perseverence and education. I learned to love him for who he is, not who I thought he should be or who I may have wanted him to be.

Adoption is no bed of roses. But the work that has gone into helping him be himself and grieve when he needs to grieve HAS bonded us, and has CREATED love between us.

Many APs don't talk about this aspect. It makes me angry that they don't because I know many experience it.

I can remember sitting rocking my daughter to sleep the first month, while her brother was screaming and banging holes into the wall thinking to myself, I feel like a fake. Now, two years later, it all seems natural and when my son has a hard month, the love that has GROWN between helps us thru. I remember when we had a meeting with our adoption worker 5 months in when we were suppose to sign adoption papers. She asked us point blank if we still wanted my son. As if he was disposable because of his RADS. I was shocked because in my heart, there was no choice to make.

Some people are not capable because they dont try. They see it all as a personal attack or are disillusioned by the fact they didnt get a perfect child. And that sucks.

Answer 4

The adoptive parents of my son would have answered this "yes" but their actions proved that they loved the 2 girls they had of their own more than they loved him or his other adopted sister.  According to him, their "love" was not unconditional and he told me that he never felt that they ever loved him. They had adopted 2 because they thought they were infertile, then had 2 of their own after that (complete surprises).   He says that he actually found out what a real functioning family was supposed to be only after we reunited and he saw what he had missed out on.  

Answer 5

Yes!! a child is a child they're hard not to love!  

Answer 6

My son is adopted and I was in love from the minute I saw his face.  

Adoption however is not for everyone.  Most people I find that adopt truly genuinely love their adopted child as much as any biological children that they may have (or  would have had).  My child may not have been one I delivered myself but I love him more than anything.  I don't see "my adopted child" when I look at him. I just see my son.

Answer 7

Of course! I even love my pets like they're my own children and they aren't even my species!

I never even think about there being any difference between my adopted children my oldest, and yes, one of my adopted children is mildly physically disabled and the other has learning and emotional issues. I would give up my own life for ANY of them if it were required.

It doesn't have to do with being in an adoptive family or not...some people are just more loving with thier families, regardless of where the children came from.

Answer 8

I think a lot of people want to believe that they could love any child, but most folks don't fit into that mold, despite our desire as a society to think it so.  Simply choosing to adopt doesn't make a person capable of this type of love, either.  People who adopt come in all types.  There are those who are quite loving and there are those who are quite lacking.  After all, they are simply human beings.  

If that were the case that people generally could love any child, and that love were enough, then there wouldn't be so many children aging out of foster care.  These children would have been adopted instead, by people capable of loving any child and making it such that love would be enough.

Answer 9

I would have to say many pap's and ap's are not capable of that because there wouldn't be so many disabled or special needs children waiting for families. They pay thousands to get someone they feel is "perfectly healthy" and ignore the children desperately needing a family. Where's the love in that.

Answer 10

Of course. My family fostered a baby at 13 days old and were able to adopt him when he was 7 years old. He is now 8 and I still love him as much as I did the day I layed eyes on him. He is my little brother and always will be.  

Answer 11

of course ! anybody could love an adopted child ! i know i could  

Answer 12

Most definately.  My aunt and uncle adopted a little girl 10 years ago, she was four months.  They tried for 3-4 years to have a child and the problem ended up being something with my uncle.  They wanted a child so bad I have never seen them so devestated.  Anyways, they took her into their home, and loved her the minute they saw her.  When unfortunately people like my aunt and uncle, want a baby so bad, and they can't I think you appreciate being a parent more, and know not to take it for granted.  I loved her the moment I saw her also, still do with all my heart.  She is a blessing for our family, and she has made my aunt and uncle the happiest people in the world.

Answer 13

I admit I would have to have a certain connection with a child, just like I must feel a connection with adults if I like or love them...

Answer 14

I like what Looney Tunes said.  I'm a teacher, and I "love" my students.  Not the unconditional, would give my life in a second for you, parental LOVE I feel for my daughter (adopted).  Are there students for whom I would feel that if I became their mother and developed that relationship with them. Yes.  Would it happen with any child, or just most of them.  I honestly don't know.  

As far as the "all a child needs is love" thing.  That is soooo wrong - parenting takes more than love, and especially adoptive parenting.  Pap education should really dispel that myth, but unfortunately it usually seems to transmit it.

Answer 15

I love my children so much.  I couldn't love them more if they came from my womb.

That being said, one of my children has Reactive Attachment Disorder and he has a very hard time loving us back.  A lot of APs find it hard to love a child who will not, or cannot love them back.  Although it hurts me at times, I don't think it has any impact on my love for him.  

And love is not all it takes.  It takes so much more to help kids heal (atleast the foster care route).

Answer 16

Sunny,  correct me if I am wrong.  Would I be capable of loving any child? YES-  I have 2 children that were adopted.  One of them at this time is rebellious and has left home. Do you think that I don't love him, you are crazy.  When a child comes into your life, for whatever reason, through being biological, or being adopted, any parent that has a heart would love that child, no matter what. However I do agree that some treat their children like they don't love them, and that is wrong.

Answer 17

Doesn't everyone need Love?

Isn't that the one common thread that can bind us together.

Answer 18

Am I capable of loving any child?  No... I know a lot of children I don't have any feelings for.  I even know a lot of children related to me by DNA and I don't love them.  I'm fond of some of them, but that doesnt necessarily mean I love them.

I don't take that emotion very lightly, hence the reason why although some may want to insist that I should love every member of my "natural" family.  The reality is, I don't.   I love some deeply and others I don't have any feelings for at all.

Do I love my "adopted" kids?  h**l Yes!!!, more than ANYONE I know, that includes any of my natural family including my mother.  And I do love my mother, I just love my kids more.  Why do I love them so much?  Its undefinable.  The feelings are there in my heart and in my head, I don't question it.

Do I expect my kids to love me back?  No!!

The reality is that I didnt choose them and they didnt choose me.  We were put together by a group of people who made a decision to place us together and for me, it turned out wonderfully.  Whether it turned out great for my children, I will let them be the judge of that.

When I say "love" I mean the "I would die for you in a second, unconditional love" type of love.

Answer 19

Everyone is capable of anything...

Answer 20

I wouldn't. But that's just me.

Answer 21

yes. you can

Answer 22

Theres no way a person could love just any child. Thats why theres a compatibility process. At least in the foster to adopt adoptions i've seen. I had a 6 month period before i was adopted where either me or my parents could have backed out. We found that it was a good match and proceeded. However they have had other children where even just the foster child hasnt worked out.

Noone can expect to be able to love any child.

If a child has a playdate could you potentially see yourself adopting anyone of those kids and being able to love them. Absolutely not.

Maybe it's different with infants or toddlers...

Answer 23

This is interesting, because I think it is alot deeper than the single word - LOVE.

What kind of LOVE?  

- Love of human race?

- Love of mother-to-child or parental love

- Love of all children because they are innocent, young and beautiful

etc.

Let me give an example:

I LOVE all the kids I work with no matter how challenging or difficult or nasty they can be.  

But do I have that mother-to-child (or parental) LOVE for all the children, ....No.  Why?  I don't know.  

But, there are some children that in addition to the general LOVE,  I have a parental LOVE for, but others, I LOVE them, but not in a parental sense.  It is different.

Perhaps this question for AP or PAP would better have been asked "Could you have parental love for any child?"