Could you comment on my introduction to my college essay for Boston College?

Question

All the inhabitants of the earth whether human are not will, at one point in their lives, learn a lesson that will stick with them forever. These lessons could range from toddlers learning to share their toys to adults learning personal responsibility at the workplace, home, and beyond. Personally, the lesson that I have learned over my 16 years of existence that shines the brightest compared to all others is that no matter how bleak a situation might be, it is possible with the aid of hard-work and even some luck that it could turn around. This lesson is eternally valuable to all and I will no doubt use it to help my peers and myself at Boston College.

Answer 1

Hi bosoxnm3,

What I am going to do is copy your essay in this space, and then make corrections.  Check the corrected copy with your original rough draft, so you get a sense for why I made the changes.

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All the inhabitants of the earth, whether human or not, will at one point in their lives learn a lesson that will stick with them forever. This  lesson could be anything from a toddler's learning to share toys to an adult's learning personal responsibility at the workplace, at home, and beyond.

Personally, the lesson that I have learned over my 16 years of existence is that no matter how bleak a situation might seem, it is possible to turn it around through hard work--and maybe a little luck.   This is the lesson that shines brightest for me compared to all others. It is a lesson with lifelong value for all, and I will no doubt use it to help my peers and myself at Boston College.

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There were some changes I made to word order that you may not want to keep, but do keep the corrections to commas, possessives, and the deletion of the hyphen, etc.

Hope this helps!

Answer 2

i think its pretty good but there are definitely a few mistakes that you should edit. revise it a bit and maybe think of better word choices you can make

Answer 3

If I were on the admissions staff reading applications, this essay would illustrate to me that you need serious work on your writing skills.  There are lots of grammatical errors and the theme is poorly developed and not well supported.

Answer 4

It's okay.. but I feel it's missing better and more college bound choice of word terminology.

And, I spotted a few mistakes =]