Could you ever believe that your husband was in the marriage because he loves you if he had said this......?

Question

"The only reason I am still here is because of my son."

My husband and I had a bad patch a few moths ago due to my depression and his inability to talk to me about what he is feeling, or when he is angry with me for specific reasons. He almost left one time and then months later wanted to again, but changed his mind after I told him it would be the fight of his life to get our son away from me. He would have had just as much time with him as I would had he decided to leave, but not the full custody he thought I would have given up so easily.

I don't believe him when he tells me he only said it because he was angry, I don't know if I will ever be able to believe that he did not mean what he said. I want to believe him, but i just can't seem to and it's killing me. What can I do? marriage counseling, I have no idea.

Answer 1

It is quite possible that he was just angry and wanted to say something hurtful.  It sounds like there is a lot of problems in your marriage right now, and getting some family counseling would be a good idea.  Even if your husband won't go, you go.  If nothing else, it will help you evaluate your situation and make some decisions about how to proceed.  The two of you certainly aren't doing your son any favors by staying together if you house if going to be full of this kind of hateful thinking.  Please seek help.

Answer 2

I'm going to share with you a personal story in hopes that it'll help you and someone else along the way.

My husband and I have known each other for years...grew up in the same town, went to school together, dated etc. We got married and worked together, our relationship was almost flawless. We had twin girls in Nov 1989 and couldn't be happier once we brought them home. I decided to take a part time job so I could be home with them and he took on a higher paying job, which lead us to travel/live all over the country.

We were overall a happy couple until our girls we about 7ish...10yrs into our marriage and moving into our 5th home in the last 8yrs. I settled into a depression state because of all the stress I was going through: trying to find a new job every time we moved, trying to get the girls settled in, take care of their issues (they both had horrible immune systems as children), finding friends etc. Overall, I hate change and by the time I got use to the new enviornment, we were packing to go to a new one.

My husband tried to help me, but eventually grew tired of my depression and shut down. He didn't want to talk, we spent very little time together etc. When we did family outings with the girls, it was almost akward to be together...but we played it off for the sake of our daughters, who had NO IDEA.  For one of his jobs, he offered to move on his own or to move with just the girls so I wouldn't have a "hassle". It killed me to hear him say these things. We never screamed and yelled like other couples do when they get angry, but we would get into some nasty conversations when trying to work out a problem.1yr into the issue, I heard that phrase, "The only reason I'm still in this marriage is because of my daughters. If I leave, their world will fall apart and they'll never forgive me."

With the help of medication, stress management, getting away from work, my girls' health being back to normal and us being in one place for a bit, I started to go back to my regular self. With the change in me came the change in our marriage. We slowly started working out problems, connecting again and going back to that "happy lovey dovey" couple we once were lol. But in the back of my mind, that comment was always there and in the back of his, as I recently found out, was always the fear of me going back into depression.

For years we really didn't trust each other, which is an important thing in a marriage. It's the key block. When he said certain things or went to do such, I had to double check and verify. He had to do the same thing. He couldn't go a day without asking me at least 3-4 times how I was feeling. When we got into an argument, I was always afraid he would leave and he was always afraid the marriage would fall apart.

Neither of us ever expressed our feelings about this until March 2007. My husband and I went to see a councelor about some fears we had for our daughters concerning their health and future. Some how or another, we got into expressing our fears in general, which lead to problems in our marriage...and the sessions switched from our teenage girls to our almost 20 something year marriage, which was dangling by dental floss. Thoughts and feelings we kept inside building up for years came tumbling out: How I feared he would leave and couldn't trust his word of mouth and how he feared I would fall back into depression and he wouldn't be able to have trust in me. After over a year of trying to fix our problems, TRYING to gain trust and erase the fears...we realized we just couldn't. When you haven't trusted someone in a little over 10yrs, it's hard just to start.

We're going through a seperation period now and will see where that takes us. Whether this leads to a divorce or a trustful relationship, neither of us can say. We told our girls in June, who were in complete shock, and they aren't handling it all that well. The stress and fear of leaving home to go to school is on their minds and we've just added to it by making the fear the future of "home".

If I could save someone from this same HUGE mistake, it would be sent them to counseling. It's your first step. You need to express your feelings about this and I'm SURE he has feelings kept up inside too. Your son is young, as I can tell from the picture and if this is a problem you can fix, you want to give it a shot for HIM especially, as well YOURSELVES as a couple.

Depression of one person effects an entire family, as I'm sure you know. When you're cured from it, others need to be too. Don't let this trust issue go on too long to the point where it can't be fixed. The only word to discribe my situation now is Sucky.

Good luck (and very cute kid btw)

Answer 3

This is your hurdle to jump.  You have to look at the preponderance of experiences you've had in this relationship & judge this for yourself.  And, because it hurts so much, you'll likely revisit that place, that phrase, again & again.  

I know that, if she hadn't left him, my husband would have stayed in his marriage to his ex until his daughter was grown.  So, of course, there are times when *I* am feeling low when I wonder if he's doing the same here - bored with me, but staying just to avoid the hassle of custody & part-time parenting.  

Then, he'll usually do something, very unintentionally, that lets me know that I'm crazy to even think that, that reminds me that this is right.  

You've got to talk this out.  He sounds like he keeps his emotional feelings to himself.  Probably for fear of hurting you or the relationship.  

And, not having been privy to the original conversation myself, I'm wondering if he might have meant "The only reason I am still here (right now, in this room, at this moment, willing to keep on talking & working on all of this with you) is because of my son (and I'm so glad that we've got him, to keep us working this all out, because I'm glad to have you here, now, even at times like this when it's hard)."

Answer 4

Yes 1st try marriage counseling.  You both need to talk about your problems in an open atmosphere, with someone neutral to listen.

Answer 5

People say stupid things out of anger.  I very seriously doubt he meant this.  However, he can't take those words back and things usually escalate once this type of behavior starts (more hurtful words).  Marriage counseling would be a very good idea for both of you.

Answer 6

Hun my husband did the same and in the end he was only

staying because of the kids,~

Try marriage counseling its relate in the UK,but my husband only said it the once and he said he said it out of anger,relate said you don't say things you don't mean whether in anger or not as you cant take them back

Answer 7

Yeah, that would be a hard thing to hear.  But it is true that people say stupid things in anger.  And he may have felt that way at the time - but doesn't now that things are better between  you two.

But you know, you need to make a choice here.  You can either choose to believe him, and continue to work on your marriage and be happy.  Or, you can continue not believing him, and this will chip away at your marriage until it ends.  Trust me.  If you want to continue in this marriage, you need to let it go - both of you need to put the past behind you.  It wasn't that long ago, so its still raw to both of you.  I really think marriage counselling would do wonders for you both.  

I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 8

I've said something similar in the heat of the moment but I do sincerely love my husband and what I said wasn't true.  I had to apologize and be extra nice for a while and I think he's over it but he'll probably never forget it.

Answer 9

I think your husband meant what he said, but denied it when you got upset over it.  

You say:

"then months later wanted to again, but changed his mind after I told him it would be the fight of his life to get our son away from me"

Of course he meant what he said....duh.  If you have a history of depression, don't be so quick to think *you* would get full custody.  Lawyers can use that against you to the fullest.

Answer 10

How could I believe that?  Anyway, you might want to give marriage counseling, but for the sake of your child, DO NOT stay in an unhappy marriage.  People sometimes stay together for the sake of their children, but this is nonsensical seeing as staying together creates a hostile environment for raising children... not a good idea.

Answer 11

That sounds very sad.  How awful for you both.  I tend to think that people say what is really in tieir hearts when they are angry.  I can't speak for your husband, obviously, but that's how I feel about things that are said out of anger.

Sometimes I wish I could slice off a tiny eensie weensie piece of my relationship with my husband so I could share it with a couple that is hurting.  I always know that there is just this invisible little line that has to be crossed over in a marriage for the couple to make it.  I can't really put it into words.  

I will give you my advice based on my own great marriage, but it comes blindly.  Meaning I don't know a thing about you or your husband and I have no idea where you are in your relationship.  But I know this advice will work for most couples who really use it.  

My advice is to make him love you.  Really.  I know it sound stupid, but bear with me for a moment.  I'll give you an example of something I read one time that rally makes sense.

Imagine you both have a bank account for feelings.  Everytime  he (or you) says something mean or hateful, you make a withdrawal.  Everytime  you (or he) does or says something kind, you make a deposit.  The object is to make more deposits than withdrawals.  

Deposits are things like, hugging him when he gets home, complimenting how well he gave your son a bath, squeezing his muscles and commenting on how strong he is.  Withdrawals are things like complaining about his shoes lying in the middle of the floor, turning him down for s*x, talking about his mom.  These are all just examples and remember I admitted to knowing nothing about you or him so please don't feel offended.

If you are constantly making sure you keep his bank account full (or pretty close), he will not have much to feel negative about in the marriage.  

This is a two way street obviously and your own bank account might be a little low.  Trust me, if you start filling his up, he'll start filling your up pretty soon, too and he won't know he's doing it.

Like I said, I don't know your marriage, so if you have greater issues than you stated, you might need a little more work than this, but I know firsthand that keeping your man happy and contented is a  SURE way to keep him in  love.