Could you please comment on the introduction to a college essay to Boston College?

Question

Please don't comment on grammar due to the fact I haven't edited at all.

Here it is:

Over the course of life, humans incessantly ascertain valuable life lessons to have a better and more fulfilling existence. These lessons could span from toddlers learning to share their toys in order to make others just as happy as they are to adolescents and adults learning the value of responsibility at home, the workplace, and beyond. I learned the brightest shining lesson in my universe of them at a relatively young age. It is that no matter how bleak or desolate a situation may seem to be, it is always possible to overcome it with the aid of hard work and perhaps some luck. This idea is eternally valuable to all, and I will no doubt use it to help my peers and myself at Boston College.

Answer 1

Yeah do what Sammy G recommends "right out your essay in normal english".  That is how Sammy got into BC.

Answer 2

i think it's pretty hard to tell how good the paragraph is when it's missing the rest of the essay (i'm assuming you're going on to discuss whatever experience it was that led you to discover ______.  the way it's written right now, though, it's kind of difficult to decipher what it is that you learned the "brightest shining lesson of" and universe of what? exactly.  i think you might be trying a little to hard to sound "smart".  sometimes i think it's better to just right out your essay in normal english, and then if you feel like you need to sound a little "smarter", break out the thesaurus, because sometimes if you're using big words straight off the bat, the meaning gets mixed up in all of them.