Could you please correct some grammar mistakes in the message?

Question

< if you would you can rewrite this>:

Dear XX,

I would like to tell you about our little expectation. We hope that x*x School District will place my niece, Yujin, in the appropriate school. As you may know, I just hope that Yujin can go to a school for her to prepare for becoming a school-teacher. We also hope she will be arranged in a school that is not very strict or not conservative. I hope Yujin will get placed in a school that gives students enough freedom at school.

We are not going to be pleased if we had to move to another place due to my niece's requirement for another school in the future. That is why I am so struggling from finding a good school for her. Please don't hesitate if you have any questions regarding on the school for my niece.

I look forward to hearing from you.

PS: I wonder if the office has received the money draft I mailed. The school district was supposed to receive it yesterday according to the post office.

Best regards,

Answer 1

Dear XX

Yujin, my niece, aspires to continue her education and attend a university to prepare her to become a school teacher.  Since Yujin plans to teach, it is my hope that her current school placement provides her an experience which she can model as she becomes an educator.  She needs to be assigned a school which provides her opportunity for academic and personal growth as well and individuality.  It is my desire that she is exposed to a flexible environment that allows freedom to learn through experience.  

I hope that you can find a school that will meet the academic needs for Yujin as well as provide a less traditional setting that is not conservative.  It is important that Yujin is placed in a school and be able to remain in that school until she graduates and is ready for college.

Please do not hesitate to call me if you have any questions regarding her placement.  I have listed numbers at which you can contact me during the day and evening.  I look forward to hearing from you.

I sent the money draft and it should have reached your office yesterday.  Please let me know if you have not received this so that can I can follow up with the post office.

Your assistance in selecting the appropriate school for Yujin&#039;s is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely

(I rewrote this with the assumption that there is only one person involved so if there are multiple people you can substitute the I for we and change your verbs for agreement.  You had used both I and we so I was unsure.)